08/21/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Stephen Colbert in Death Match with Black Barbie


A few weeks ago, Stephen Colbert had me on his show. He was trying to get me to confess the numerous ways that ACORN is working to undermine the principles of capitalism. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Now, you know I'd love to tell you everything about the interview, but I don't know what the editors are going to allow on the air, so how about I just share a few bits and pieces from the interview?

Right when I sat down and shook his hand he asked me if I'd helped any poor people that day, and I said, "Of course!" Then he took out his Purell, squirted it into his hands and told me that it was nothing personal, but "poor" seemed to be going around these days and he had a family to think about.

Then he tried to take down my information for the "census." His first question was "how many sexual partners have you had!" Now it seemed only fair that I got to take down his embarrassing information as well, so I took one of the forms from his lap and asked him just how many sexual partners he had had. You gotta tune in tonight to find out how we answered!

At this point he tried to call me out on ACORN's Grand Plan for Worldwide Socialism and the People's Fight Against Capitalism. He tried to get me to give up the secrets of how helping low-income citizens with affordable housing, registering the disenfranchised, and conducting a fair census is leading to a socialist takeover. Let's just say it got to the point where I took out a black Barbie doll, he took out a transformer and we just started dueling. Guess who won that fight?

Join me tonight to see for yourself!

The Colbert Report tonight, Tuesday July 21st at 11:30 PM on Comedy Central!

The website is