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Beth Armogida
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Beth Armogida is an Emmy-nominated comedy writer whose credits include The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Monk, The Academy Awards, The Emmy Awards, the British National Television Awards and Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Entries by Beth Armogida

'The 12 Days of Shutdown' Sing-along

(2) Comments | Posted October 14, 2013 | 2:47 PM

"The 12 Days of Shutdown"

On the first day of Shutdown
my Congress gave to me
A big, lame-o, stinking House of Turds.

On the 2nd day of Shutdown
my Congress gave to me
Two panicked parties
And a big, lame-o, stinking House of...

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Budget Deal Before the End of the World?

(3) Comments | Posted December 19, 2012 | 4:39 PM

President Obama and Speaker Boehner are trying to reach a budget deal before Christmas and the fiscal cliff. Screw Christmas and the fiscal cliff. They better hurry up before the Earth explodes on Friday.

If you haven't heard, the ancient Maya prophesied that the end of...

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Rick Santorum Was Six Shots of Jäger Away From Being President

(8) Comments | Posted April 13, 2012 | 10:05 AM

Yesterday, Rick Santorum succumbed to the inevitable and aborted his presidential campaign in its fourth trimester. What happened? Some people say his message was undisciplined. Some say he was outspent by Mitt Romney 10 to 1 in campaign ads and 5,500 to 1 in hair care products. Some, like me,...

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Mid-Terminology: Guide to 2010 Election Slang

(6) Comments | Posted October 20, 2010 | 11:45 AM

Third-Party Group - 1. Creepy organization supporting either conservative or liberal candidates that won't tell us which individuals or corporations are involved or where its money originates. 2. Douche bags.

Pledge to America - (Google "Contract with America 2" and "Big Corporate Wet Dream.") Calculated Republican agenda gambling on American...

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Letter to Masturbating Opponent Christine O'Donnell

(84) Comments | Posted September 21, 2010 | 11:44 AM

Dear Ms. O'Donnell,

I would like to give you a two-finger salute for bringing to the attention of our nation that masturbation is a sin. It seems like America is caught in a wicked hurricane and you're all alone paddling the pink canoe of morality.

Fifteen years ago, you...

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Steven Slater: Flight Attendant and Role Model

(36) Comments | Posted August 12, 2010 | 11:01 AM

The story is all over the news. Steven Slater, a flight attendant who worked for twenty years dealing with the possibility of terrorists, a plane crash or, God help him, bad-mannered passengers, lost his temper after a female passenger ignored his instructions, prematurely retrieved her suitcase from the overhead compartment...

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Switzerland and Polanski

(15) Comments | Posted July 16, 2010 | 1:26 PM

The Swiss authorities have decided not to extradite popular film director and talented child rapist Roman Polanski to the United States. In 1978, Polanski pleaded guilty to unlawful sexual intercourse with a thirteen-year-old girl and then fled the country. Even Lindsay Lohan wouldn't ignore the court's ruling on this case....

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How to Piss Off Crazy Teabaggers

(64) Comments | Posted June 9, 2010 | 12:15 PM

Are you tired of getting upset over the ignorant, racist rhetoric of the Tea Party radicals? Of course, the best thing to do is to ignore them, but that's no fun! Why not embrace the American way and get even? Following are ten fail-safe tips on how to piss off...

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Not So Fast, Rand Paul!

(74) Comments | Posted May 25, 2010 | 12:06 PM

Rand Paul, the son of Ron Paul, just won the Republican primary for the open Senate seat in Kentucky. This is irritating, and not just because Rand sounds like the name of a preppy bad guy James Spader would play in a John Hughes movie. In his victory speech, he...

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My Review of Sarah Palin's New Book Going Rogue Without Actually Having Read It

(25) Comments | Posted November 11, 2009 | 2:34 PM

Former Governor Sarah Palin's imperceptibly anticipated memoir called Going Rogue is out in stores and churches on November 17th. Of course, there's no chance in hell I'm reading her autobiography. But, since I feel indebted to Governor Palin for inspiring Tina Fey's awesome impersonation, the least I can do is...

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Michele Bachmann Could Use a Good Sex Clinic

(14) Comments | Posted October 10, 2009 | 2:40 PM

Why is Michele Bachmann obsessed with sex clinics? The Republican representative from Minnesota is so infatuated with the subject of sex clinics, she can't stop talking about them. And if that's not weird enough, Bachmann actually has taken a lot of time to make up elaborate untruths about the proposed...

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Does This Misspelled Tea Party Sign Make My Butt Look Big?

(9) Comments | Posted September 26, 2009 | 2:50 PM

When I watch news reports on television or online, the information mostly goes in one ear and out the other, like a light aimed at Sarah Palin's head. I hear the headlines and think, "Sure, this could be bad for the stability of the Earth, but does it really affect...

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Rush Limbaugh's Big Fat Republican Health Care Plan

(7) Comments | Posted September 15, 2009 | 3:01 PM

Some people see Rush Limbaugh as a successful entertainer, some see him as a conservative prophet and some see him as the mighty king of all douchebags. No matter what you think of Limbaugh, it's fair to give him credit for his staying power. Like herpes, he never goes away...

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Excerpts from Dick Cheney's Upcoming Book

(17) Comments | Posted August 24, 2009 | 8:08 PM

I was hatched on a cold, Nebraska day, January 30, 1941. It was the first of two fateful events for our country that year. The second took place in December.
--------------------
I remember the spring of 1951 when I was 10 years old. My strategy to invade the...

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The United States of Yelling

(5) Comments | Posted August 13, 2009 | 2:05 PM

Why are we surprised that some Americans have been yelling at town hall meetings? I'm assuming they are Americans - from the looks of them, they could be illegal Scandinavians. Americans are yellers! Speaker Nancy Pelosi was crazy when she said, "Drowning out opposing views is simply un-American." Has she...

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What We Learned from John Hughes

(9) Comments | Posted August 7, 2009 | 2:28 PM

Although most of us never met John Hughes, he seemed to know all of us. Can you imagine growing up in the 80's and 90's without John Hughes' movies? His stories defined the coming of age of a generation, showing us how to laugh at our own angst and insecurities...

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Get in Line, "Family Guy"

(17) Comments | Posted July 30, 2009 | 7:46 PM

Recently, "Family Guy" creator Seth MacFarlane told an audience at Comic-Con that Fox is not likely to air a new episode about abortion. Apparently, 20th Century Fox had green-lighted the episode entitled "Partial Terms of Endearment," but then Fox later got cold feet. Sure, it's disappointing, but...

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A Letter To That Nutty Birther Lady

(16) Comments | Posted July 26, 2009 | 2:35 PM

Dear Nutty Birther Lady,

I saw the video clip of your passionate speech to Representative Mike Castle on YouTube right after I watched a cat do the Riverdance. What a great moment it was when you questioned President Obama's citizenship and held up your own birth certificate with the...

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Do We Really Want To Know Dick Cheney's Secrets?

(39) Comments | Posted July 17, 2009 | 6:04 PM

According to several news sources, Attorney General Eric Holder is considering whether to appoint a special prosecutor to conduct a criminal investigation of interrogation techniques used during the Bush administration. In other words, Cheney-gate. Or "Saw VII." Sure, the American people need to know what Cheney did and what he's...

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Theories as to Why Sarah Palin Quit

(12) Comments | Posted July 13, 2009 | 11:47 AM

I was sitting in my pajamas at my desk and thinking, as writers do, about possible reasons why Governor Sarah Palin would quit her job to go in a "new direction." When you're a Governor with the goal of a national office, you don't throw in the towel. Sure, you...

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