THE BLOG
12/19/2012 05:39 pm ET Updated Feb 18, 2013

Budget Deal Before the End of the World?

President Obama and Speaker Boehner are trying to reach a budget deal before Christmas and the fiscal cliff. Screw Christmas and the fiscal cliff. They better hurry up before the Earth explodes on Friday.

If you haven't heard, the ancient Maya prophesied that the end of the world as we know it will happen on December 21st. This begs the question, where are the Scientologists' aliens when we really need them? Of course, the whole 2012 apocalypse thing is a complete fabrication and a chance for a lot of people to cash in. You know, like all religion.

Then again, there's that teeny, tiny chance it could be true. I know, I know, it's completely ludicrous, and the people who believe it are ignorant fools. But, let's not judge. For the fun of it, let's have an exercise in futility. Ignore the facts and pretend the idiocy is true. You know, like Fox News.

Okay. If the Mayan calendar is right, we have very little time left to fix everything. Yep. Those Mayans are real buzz kills. If there's any moment in history when we need to come together as a society and solve the problems of the world, it's when the doomsday shit hits the fan. So, Obama and Boehner have their work cut out for them.

How do our distinguished leaders on both sides accomplish this? For one thing, stop all of the TV appearances with their motivational, preacher-like speeches. Obama and Boehner continue to make their cases over and over to the country about their unyielding positions. Then, they yield. And throughout this stressful process, nothing gets done while Obama gets grayer and Boehner gets oranger. They need to understand we don't care how the sausage is made. We're Americans. We're always going to eat it.

One good thing about the 2012 destruction of the world is it won't matter who is in power. Hell, if we see a meteor headed for us, why not put Sarah Palin in charge? After the great catastrophe, Palin could personally repopulate the planet with her family and shoot any remaining wildlife and abortionists for food. And the rest of us could just wait for the inevitable and recycle old Sarah Palin jokes.

Another positive angle could be we all start living like the world is ending soon. We Americans should be nicer to each other, because we never know from whom we'll need to ask for help during the Armageddon. Sure, some of our neighbors may be complete assholes, but there's nothing like having a group of assholes on your side in a global bar fight for survival.

Yes, it's hard to buy that the world will end before the weekend because some Mayan dude writing calendars got Carpal tunnel syndrome. Still, it's good to focus on how to make things better in this life, which is way too short even without planetary annihilation.

As for me, I've planned a party for the 22nd, the day after "Judgment Day." That way, if the Earth does blow up, at least I get credit for spending lots of money on people without having to pay for it. You know, like politicians.

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