Do We Really Want To Know Dick Cheney's Secrets?
According to several news sources, Attorney General Eric Holder is considering whether to appoint a special prosecutor to conduct a criminal investigation of interrogation techniques used during the Bush administration. In other words, Cheney-gate. Or "Saw VII." Sure, the American people need to know what Cheney did and what he's still hiding. But the bigger question is, do we really WANT to know? I, for one, am scared as hell to find out the truth. What if we open Pandora's Box and find the dismembered remains of Pandora?
Here's why we may not want to know. Maybe, just maybe, it's not only torture secrets Cheney has concealed under his freshly skinned fur cloak. Maybe there are other things. Things as innocent as a secret candy stash or as horrifying as a laser mountain destroyer which also kills puppies. If we learn the truth now, it's like finding out after you've left the restaurant that the waiter spit in your food. What good does it do?
Also, why do we need a special prosecutor to determine that Cheney has been a nefarious threat? It's the worst game of "Clue" ever. Who killed the Constitution? It was Vice President Cheney with the lead pipe in the White House. There. The American people just saved millions of dollars in investigation and court costs.
I'll give Cheney this. He's a master of deception. At the White House, they're still finding Easter eggs he sadistically hid from President Bush. Yes, he's damn good. But, then again, the lawmakers he "allegedly" was deceiving weren't exactly keeping their eye on the ball. I imagine the conversations in Washington during the Bush administration went something like this.
Senator: "How are you this morning, Mr. Vice President?"
Cheney: "Well, I'm not hiding anything, that's for sure."
Senator: "Okeedokee."
Let's hope Attorney General Holder considers what he's about to uncover, if anything, for our emotional well-being. Besides, how can Holder really expect to successfully interrogate the former Vice President? In addition to his deceptive, tactical moves, it's impossible to tell what Cheney's been up to, because he always has a look on his face like he knows the darkest secret in the world or like he just had a premature ejaculation. Whatever the case, for all that is holy, don't tell us.
Yes, Americans need closure on this issue, but we also need to be able to sleep at night. So, here's a solution. We cut a plea deal with Cheney where he goes to prison for only one or two years, and, in exchange, he doesn't tell us the sick details. Then, our government can spend the time and money formally investigating the "techniques" used in the sex scandal at the "C Street House," a Washington row house owned by a religious group where powerful, Christian politicians have been playing Hanky-Panky for Jesus. Now, those are secrets we REALLY want to know.
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We may not want to know. But we want the International Criminal Court to know.
Very funny. I agree "Cheney gate" is one circus I can pass on...
Hilarious! Even Cheney's family must be secretly chuckling over this one...
Very funny. I'm happy you actually made me laugh about Cheney. He is truly scary.
Another hilarious post. You keep tellin' 'em what's what while we keep laughing.
I don't understand the logic that we should not cross-examine Cheney because he is just too good at fooling us. We can get our own Cheney to use against Bush's Cheney and then dismantle him after the trial. Also, I would not assume Bush is so innocent as the article suggests. Many thought that Cheney sent Alberto Gonzalez to the sick bedside of George Tenet to get him to sign an extension of the illegal wiretapping program. Recently, it was disclosed that Gonzalez was ordered to go by Bush. There are jail rooms big enough for both Cheney and Bush.
This essay was HI to the LARIOUS! I love the dismembered remains of Pandora line. But what's with all the debating in this comments section? People are acting like this is some kind of real argument when clearly this is a comedic piece. It says directly under the writer's name "COMEDY WRITER".
I tend to think of Huffington Post readers as sophisticated enough to get a smart joke. Just goes to show every group has its party poopers. I recommend readers cadawa and Mason try The New Republic, or something less taxing on the funny bone, if they are going to get their knickers in such a twist over a what is clearly (at least to the rest of us) a joke. Or maybe just up the Prozac dose a tad. Keep up the funny work, Ms. Armogida. Most of us love and NEED a good laugh.
There are already enough facts to know the Cheney and others broke the law, a reasonable person knows that. Investigating to produce more information will never change the minds of unreasonable people.
There are still those who do not believe we landed on the moon, think OJ was innocent, Nixon did nothing wrong, President Obama is not an American citizen and Sarah Palin is smart enough to hold National Office.
Bothering with Cheney will change nothing. Oh by the way, Ensign, Stanford, Newt, Bill Clinton are of high morale character.
Does everyone think Cheney will go quietly into the good night.
Or will he attack. Many do not like his views but I have not read anything that shows he is stupid or that he will be outsmarted by Holder.
You don't get it. We need to investigate and prosecute Cheney (and Bush, Rumsfeld, Gonzales and whoever else has broken the law) because that is the only way to keep it from happening again.
Obama is simply wrong on this. You can't look forward without also looking back.
We DO need to prosecute Cheney et al, but it won't keep it from happening again.
...i think he should be investigated and, if he has nothing to hide, what's he got to worry about???..
if he goes for the two year deal that will be fine, but it wont be fully operational for the first twenty-five .so in year twenty six it starts to count
Whether we want it or not, we need the truth. We need to know just how low we sank, how we sank that low, and what we must do to prevent a repeat. The cowardice of denial is a luxury we can no longer afford, if we ever could.
You don't think the author wasn't just trying to be funny?
' What good does it do? '
The good that it does is to hold HIM responsible for HIS actions and their consequences.
The good that it does is to uphold the rule of law.
Fun is all well and good but when it's about gross abuse of power, murder, crimes against humanity, war crimes, torture, breaking international and domestic laws, I don't think it's something to joke about.
It's the kind of black humour you hear by repressed populations in nations controlled by a military juntas. It's the humour of the powerless. Is this the way we think about ourselves?
The fact that we endured eight years of an illegitimate criminal administration and the current administration appears uninterested in holding them accountable is a subject for anger and tears, not laughter.
You can mention it was humor?
I can't.
You left war profiteering off the list. That is still a crime, isn't it???
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