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Mid-Terminology: Guide to 2010 Election Slang

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Third-Party Group - 1. Creepy organization supporting either conservative or liberal candidates that won't tell us which individuals or corporations are involved or where its money originates. 2. Douche bags.

Pledge to America - (Google "Contract with America 2" and "Big Corporate Wet Dream.") Calculated Republican agenda gambling on American voters' ADD and inability to recall anything besides the last season of Dancing with the Stars. Success inevitable.

Summer of Recovery - June, July and August of 2032.

Man Up! - 1. Expression used bizarrely and illogically by female Republican candidates about male Democratic candidates. 2. Alarm sounded by New York GOP, homophobic, Governor-wannabe Carl Paladino when there are men in Speedos grinding against each other nearby.

Deficit Spending - Tactic to spend borrowed money to stimulate the economy. Unfortunately, the economy being stimulated is China's.

Virtual Tie - When two candidates suck equally.

Enthusiasm Gap - A significant shift in attitudes resulting in a lack of enthusiasm among those on one side and the fanaticism of the other side. Traditionally associated with politics or marriage.

Delawerewolf - The next candidate to run after Christine O'Donnell.

Whore - 1. Not the biblical definition of whoredom, but the asexual, business definition involving soliciting money. 2. An insulting word occasionally used when you're too stoned to hang up the phone.

Minimum Wage - Q&A topic that is the equivalent to a pro-wrestling Body Avalanche with a Sleeper Hold and illegal Testicular Claw for ultra-right conservative Senate candidates.

Incumbent - Puppy killer.

Immigration Reform - A hot topic for religious, conservative candidates who bounce back and forth from "Am I My Brother's Keeper?" to "Is She My Illegal Housekeeper?"

Progressive - 1. Ideological label alternative to "liberal" that covers a wide range from conservative-moderate to the ultra left. Picture James Carville on a mixture of Valium and Viagra. 2. Insurance company with those annoying commercials.

Cap and Trade - Climate and energy bill designed to regulate and reduce the amount greenhouse gases emitted into the atmosphere by Glenn Beck fans.

None of the Above - Ballot choice for frustrated citizens in Nevada who don't have the option to vote for Reoccurring Genital Warts.

Likely Voter - Anyone who doesn't answer "f**k you" to a pollster during an 8 a.m. telephone survey.