My Review of Sarah Palin's New Book Going Rogue Without Actually Having Read It

Former Governor Sarah Palin's imperceptibly anticipated memoir called Going Rogue is out in stores and churches on November 17th. Of course, there's no chance in hell I'm reading her autobiography. But, since I feel indebted to Governor Palin for inspiring Tina Fey's awesome impersonation, the least I can do is pretend to review her book anyway.

Sarah Palin's story begins 5,124 years ago when the ancient Maya predicted her presidency in 2012. After that, nothing happened until February 11, 1964. That was the day little Sarah Louise landed on the planet in Sandpoint, Idaho and embarked on an adventure that is nothing less than whacked.

In her memoir Going Rogue, Palin spends the first 100 or so pages sharing memories about her childhood in Alaska. So, you can totally avoid these chapters and skip to the high school years. This is the period when her friends named her "Sarah Barracuda" because she was so aggressive and also "Sarah Blowfish" for other reasons. At least you get to see some photos of her with bad '80s hair.

Sarah's public career took off when she competed in the Miss Alaska pageant. Palin really captures the bittersweet emotions of the contest: sadness when she did not win the beauty title, yet joy when she received the honorable mention of "Miss Camel Toe" in the swimsuit competition. The pageant was a turning point in Sarah's life. It was the first time she learned the value of impressing a group of desperate, horny, old men -- a skill that would later catapult her to the top of the Republican Party.

You would think one of the high points of Going Rogue would be when Sarah met Todd "The Snow Machine" Palin. And you would be wrong. Sarah chronicles the first time she had Todd in her sights. Thank goodness she missed him and hit a wounded deer. That encounter ignited a passion that could only be imagined, because she didn't put any of the dirty details in the book. Sarah and Todd's love story developed into a marriage that produced five kids without any intercourse.

Readers definitely will get a sense of Sarah Palin's unique writing skills. When she expounds on her rise from small-town mayor to governor to vice presidential candidate, she uses no punctuation whatsoever. She covers twelve years in politics with one very long sentence. Palin interjects some humor, including the time when Todd pulled her aside in the Governor's office and said he wanted to secede from the union, and she thought he was asking for a divorce. Yeah, you'll want to jump past this section of the book, too.

When it comes to her vice presidential run, Palin's recollection of events becomes sketchy. For example, there are seven references to hobbits. Also, when John McCain asked her to be his running mate, he was portrayed WITHOUT an erection. Ah, don't think so. And Palin doesn't clearly indicate if it was before or after the convention when she caught Joe Lieberman wearing her designer skirt and heels and quietly sobbing.

Honestly, if I were you, I'd just flip to the end of the book where Palin becomes a grandmother. Her account of daughter Bristol's labor is just how she likes her steak -- raw and moving. She takes us through the nail-biting moments such as when Levi Johnston was dragged out of the delivery room and Todd tried to push the baby back into Bristol.

After not reading Sarah Palin's autobiography, I feel like I really know the former Governor better than ever. If anything, Going Rogue shows how a woman from a small town in Alaska can go from burning books to writing them. Would I recommend this to other people not to read? You betcha.

 

Comments

[dowl]

Thanks for the best reasons for not reading this ghastly piece of apparent drivel.

[MOinkslinger]

Great post, Beth. Best review of Palin's book. If Sarah had been half as productive in the Governor's office as she has been in the bedroom, the people of AK would have been better off. I hope Sarah runs in 2012......­runs on the backroads of AK.

[Archivist1000]

Despite Palin’s words: “Don’t let anyone tell you to sit down and shut up” .. Sarah and her Publishers are trying to ’shut up’ a blog that has quoted her from her book …

see … http://www.palingates.blogspot.com

[GoodbyeNatalie]

Two reviews at Amazon's "Goodbye Natalie Goodbye Splendour" page contain comments by readers who "can't shake the story." The book has received scare media coverage causing outraged readers to ask why. One started a petition. Yet the book sells consistently on its own merit. Palin? It was as easy as a whim to become an instant best selling author. Fair? I read at DailyFinance that HarperCollins might end up regretting their investment in Palin. Oprah will help fix that, I'm sure.
Let's get back to reading. Oprah, instead of interviewing Palin, should visit SheWrites online and watch the 200+ books scrolling by at the top of the page, all written this year by dedicated female authors who struggled on their own with words of truth and wisdom to offer, only to be left in the dust by a woman who knows so much about Russia because the country's planes fly near her hunting grounds. Visit SheWrites. There's my plug.

[ShakeYourComplacency]

You mean she didn't even win the pagent? lol.

I'm scratching my head here, what has Sarah Palin actually accomplished in her life other than push out babies and withold birth control from them?

I don't get it.

[OSUgrad1]

Hilarious. And don't worry, Beth. Sarah hasn't read it either!

[skatoolaki]

Hilarious - pure genius. Thank you.

[michiganms]

Hilarious!!

[Schoolgirl666]

I wonder if she's taped the audio version...­...will probably be the first time she hears what's in the book.

[meede]

If Palin does the audio version - she would hear it for the first time.

That would be doing two things at one time. Ain't happening!!

[Soundofthunder]

As non-editor of said book, I must confess your reflections on the content are preternaturally correct. Unfortunately, I'll be skipping the release party, as I've scheduled a series of shock treatments. Not for me. For the person who assigned me the dreadful job of reading and correcting that dreck.

TTFN

S

[cruzking2000]

The Mayan reference to 2012 was awesome. I'm going to steal that one from you when I rag on my conservative friends! Ha, ha, ha!

[iMissMollyIvins]

"And Palin doesn't clearly indicate if it was before or after the convention when she caught Joe Lieberman wearing her designer skirt and heels and quietly sobbing." - That, right there, that's what makes it art, high on the squick factor - Joe Lieberman in a tight, mid-thigh length skirt and those Surrender Monkey DoubleSpeak pumps... EWWWWWW! - but art, nonetheless.

I laughed, I cried, I wet my pants. It was that funny.

[johnmorgan]

Very witty review.

[bedfordny]

That sounds like a pretty accurate description to me. Don't worry about not reading the book. Palin didn't actually write it, so she'll be just as surprised as the rest of us as to what's inside.

[hollyhund]

Waiting to buy my copy for 10 cents next summer at the sidewalk sale! Love your review..to­o funny Beth!