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My Review of Sarah Palin's New Book Going Rogue Without Actually Having Read It

03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Former Governor Sarah Palin's imperceptibly anticipated memoir called Going Rogue is out in stores and churches on November 17th. Of course, there's no chance in hell I'm reading her autobiography. But, since I feel indebted to Governor Palin for inspiring Tina Fey's awesome impersonation, the least I can do is pretend to review her book anyway.

Sarah Palin's story begins 5,124 years ago when the ancient Maya predicted her presidency in 2012. After that, nothing happened until February 11, 1964. That was the day little Sarah Louise landed on the planet in Sandpoint, Idaho and embarked on an adventure that is nothing less than whacked.

In her memoir Going Rogue, Palin spends the first 100 or so pages sharing memories about her childhood in Alaska. So, you can totally avoid these chapters and skip to the high school years. This is the period when her friends named her "Sarah Barracuda" because she was so aggressive and also "Sarah Blowfish" for other reasons. At least you get to see some photos of her with bad '80s hair.

Sarah's public career took off when she competed in the Miss Alaska pageant. Palin really captures the bittersweet emotions of the contest: sadness when she did not win the beauty title, yet joy when she received the honorable mention of "Miss Camel Toe" in the swimsuit competition. The pageant was a turning point in Sarah's life. It was the first time she learned the value of impressing a group of desperate, horny, old men -- a skill that would later catapult her to the top of the Republican Party.

You would think one of the high points of Going Rogue would be when Sarah met Todd "The Snow Machine" Palin. And you would be wrong. Sarah chronicles the first time she had Todd in her sights. Thank goodness she missed him and hit a wounded deer. That encounter ignited a passion that could only be imagined, because she didn't put any of the dirty details in the book. Sarah and Todd's love story developed into a marriage that produced five kids without any intercourse.

Readers definitely will get a sense of Sarah Palin's unique writing skills. When she expounds on her rise from small-town mayor to governor to vice presidential candidate, she uses no punctuation whatsoever. She covers twelve years in politics with one very long sentence. Palin interjects some humor, including the time when Todd pulled her aside in the Governor's office and said he wanted to secede from the union, and she thought he was asking for a divorce. Yeah, you'll want to jump past this section of the book, too.

When it comes to her vice presidential run, Palin's recollection of events becomes sketchy. For example, there are seven references to hobbits. Also, when John McCain asked her to be his running mate, he was portrayed WITHOUT an erection. Ah, don't think so. And Palin doesn't clearly indicate if it was before or after the convention when she caught Joe Lieberman wearing her designer skirt and heels and quietly sobbing.

Honestly, if I were you, I'd just flip to the end of the book where Palin becomes a grandmother. Her account of daughter Bristol's labor is just how she likes her steak -- raw and moving. She takes us through the nail-biting moments such as when Levi Johnston was dragged out of the delivery room and Todd tried to push the baby back into Bristol.

After not reading Sarah Palin's autobiography, I feel like I really know the former Governor better than ever. If anything, Going Rogue shows how a woman from a small town in Alaska can go from burning books to writing them. Would I recommend this to other people not to read? You betcha.