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Beth Armogida

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Rick Santorum Was Six Shots of Jäger Away From Being President

Posted: 04/13/2012 10:05 am

Yesterday, Rick Santorum succumbed to the inevitable and aborted his presidential campaign in its fourth trimester. What happened? Some people say his message was undisciplined. Some say he was outspent by Mitt Romney 10 to 1 in campaign ads and 5,500 to 1 in hair care products. Some, like me, believe it's because he was completely sober.

Santorum probably could have become the Republican nominee if he just admitted that he drank a lot. Imagine Santorum stepping out in front of the microphone and confessing that, when he gets wasted, he says some really crazy shit. Americans would understand. "Oh, Ricky just gets that way when he's hitting the bottle. He doesn't really mean it. Let him sleep it off." Instead, Santorum frequently spewed "drunken uncle" rhetoric while he was completely clear-headed. That's what did him in. Five or six shots of Jägermeister before a speech, and he could've been president.

Don't believe it? Here are 10 quotes by Rick Santorum during his presidential campaign that sound like a crazy drunk at the end of the bar:

• "President Obama once said he wants everybody in America to go to college. What a snob!"

• "I have no problem with homosexuality. I have a problem with homosexual acts."

• "I believe the earth gets warmer and I also believe the earth gets cooler." (ADD A BELCH HERE FOR EFFECT)

• "I had the opportunity to read the [JFK] speech, and I almost threw up."

• "[Gay marriage] is an issue just like 9/11."

• "Pick any other Republican in the country -- [Romney] is the worst Republican in the country to put up against Barack Obama. Why would Wisconsin vote for someone like that?"

• "Satan has his sights on the United States of America."

• "I support the Ryan budget plan. I think it's the right direction on the major points. I can't say I've read all of it..."

• "A third of all the young people in America are not in America today because of abortion..."

• "Is anyone saying same-sex couples can't love each other? I love my children. I love my friends, my brother. Heck, I even love my mother-in-law."

If you're still not convinced, go to happy hour at a T.G.I Friday's and ask the intoxicated insurance agent hitting on the bartender to read the Santorum quotes verbatim. Then, sit back in amazement. If these were rants from the mouth of a drunken man, they would be pretty laughable. From an overly serious, conservative extremist man who never touched a drop of liquor, they are proof that America just dodged a bullet.

 

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