The Betrayed
The headlines are abuzz with the gleeful news that yet another man has betrayed yet another woman. Governor Sanford let loose with a 20-minute statement that was as selfish and self-pitying as any I have heard, well on the nightly news that is. I have unfortunately heard it before and I can tell you from experience that the pain is excruciating, the shame enveloping, and the damage immeasurable. Those thoughts and prayers that we are urged to hold for the wife and family? Well, you'd best plan to keep them coming for the next several years, because that is how long it will take them to recover if indeed they ever do. He will be of no use in that process as was made clear by his actions as well as his apology. Clearly, the only person the Governor is sorry for is himself. He seemed to revel in the fact the he alone had the capacity to hurt so many. His Mistress, his Wife, his Sons, his Staff, his State, his Party...they were all given equal value with perhaps a smidgen of empathy for the mistress, she of the" beautiful handheld body parts". Oh the importance of the man! Let us all behold the glorious power of him and his own now infamous body part.
Many people seem baffled by the fact that he concocted such an elaborate lie in order to cover his tracks. This does not surprise me at all. It is the hallmark of narcissism, this belief that if he says it then it must be so. Hiking for six days in the Appalachians? Hilarious, really, and doubly hurtful, insinuating as it most certainly did, that we are all fools and that the great legend of his complexity should suffice to explain any action he chooses to take. The larger point it makes is that we really do not matter. The story will keep changing to fit his impression of himself. That loyal wife and those four perfect boys are no match, for the ego of this man...the next JFK no less. What was good enough for Jackie and her kids is good enough for them. They will not get the truth, not ever. They are expected to be consoled by their proximity to the great one.
He made a fool of himself to be sure, but she of the" tender lips and gentle touches", that gal made an ass of him. Any woman willing to be an accomplice in the affliction of so much pain upon so many is in it for one thing and it's not a body part. Two words...meal ticket. He reeked of cashola with his two houses and his expensive suits and his penchant for bad poetry. He was an easy mark and she definitely made hers. This woman may or may not be heard from, but you can bet someone is being asked to buy her off and shut her up. It remains to be seen if they will dig down deep enough and soon enough to silence her. The folks around Edwards seem to have made the nincompoop who trapped him and bore his child disappear. I hope for everyone's sake that the team around Sanford will draw the wagons and pony up.
When will men ever figure out that this big swinging dick action only makes them into midgets? That the capacity to give and receive love is the only legacy we leave. Ryan O'Neal has proved himself a giant of a man in this same week. He has writ his legacy large with tenderness and courage. He did what a man is supposed to do, what each of us hopes we will do in the face of death. He looked it in the eye and said "no dice pal". You can claim her, but you cannot take her from me. She is the woman I love and she will forever be mine. We grieve with him, but we are happy for them both. We will all die and we all hope that it will be in the embrace of love. That is the one abiding and amazing grace of life on this Earth.
Sanford and his ilk will leave a legacy, but they have lost their grace. "I made a mistake" he will say as they all do, and then hang their heads while we are asked to respect their honesty and admire their humility. A word of warning gentlemen, when we say that you are forgiven, we are lying. You have shown yourselves to be true cowards...no amount of prostrating and praying will convince us that you are anything, but weak and careless. There is an old saying in business: "Never trust a man who cheats on his wife". Now this is not meant to apply to the moron who goes to a strip club in Vegas and finds himself carried into the night by a pasty-clad specter of his fading youth. No, they are talking about betrayal and if you will do it to her, then you will do it to them, clearly you will do it to anyone.
By now it should go without saying that I have a dog in this hunt. Or rather I married a dog. He has been out of my life for some time now, but I am still struggling with the shame and the sorrow of being lied to for years. I am left to wonder if every instinct I possess is flawed. We are told repeatedly that we make choices in life and that we must take responsibility for them, and so I try to hold myself up to the light to see what darkness lies within that could have drawn this man to me. How stupid must I be to have bought into the lies, worrying for his well-being while sacrificing my own? Pretty damned stupid is the conclusion I usually draw and then I try to forgive myself, try being the operative word here. Mostly I just get on with it, with the business of the every day and I do that pretty well. I continue to care for the people I love and dedicate myself to the work that inspires me and I try to laugh as often as possible at myself and at this crazy mixed up world. Life goes on and I am grateful for the love and support of so many in mine. I am lucky and I know it, but I am not over it and I wonder will I ever be?
Watching that press conference was a trip down a highway of hurt. I have stumbled through the last two days with my gaze averted, trying to swallow the lump in my throat, trying to breathe through the re-awakened agony of it all. This much I know. He will say that he loves his wife, but she will never believe him. He can say that he never meant to hurt his sons, but he left them fatherless on Father's Day and so they know that is not true. I actually feel sorry for my ex-husband as I do for this Governor and for all of the men who have shamed themselves and their families, because they will be haunted by this fact for the rest of their days. We do not know you and deep down we now believe that we never did. How sad that in the pursuit of your ego and the vision of yourself as a man of power, you have lost both. All eyes are on this poor wretch from South Carolina, but he will soon find that he has become invisible.
It is he who has been betrayed.
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If I were Beth, I'd be angry too -- at the spouse who betrayed me -- not necessarily with every adulterer around. Certainly, not with a governor of some southern state who may or may not have done the same thing -- in the same way -- as Beth's husband apparently did. I certainly wouldn't make judgments about people whose moccasins I haven't even tried on. Such is the power of the kind of anger that betrayal begets. An unfaithful spouse harms his wife and children. But a healthy reaction would be to adjust to the way things are. It shouldn't be, but it is what it is.
Great article!!!
Being a christian does not automatically make you a saint. Did he make a mistake??? Only if he is interested in fixing it. Did he use poor judgment? make poor choices? Definitely! It is up to him to seek forgiveness and redemption. Only if he refuses to do so will he be a "hypocrite".
How should we relate his choices to his office of Governor? If someone will lie to and cheat on the people that love him most in the world, why should he treat the rest of us any differently. He did abandon his office without instructions on how to reach him. What if SC had experienced something equivalent to 9/11? Thankfully they didn't.
As for his family, they were already in pain. Having to live this sordid little scenario in the public eye only adds insult to injury. My heart goes out to her and her boys.
Most excellent synopsis of the roadmap of betrayal. Your feelings are articulated so clearly and I doubt that a single person who has been through this will disagree.
This article is SO insightful. I am sorry for your experience, as this kind of insight and knowledge is won at a terrible cost. I agree so wholeheartedly with all you say about ego being the overriding passion of these men. Then, they use the LAME, "I made a mistake" quasi-apology. No, Bucko, you didn't make a "mistake", like an "oops." You made a really lousy choice. Now, live with it.
What was hardest for me (for I too have been through this) was understanding the other woman. What kind of "love" is it that is willing to be the grenade thrown into someone else's life? I have had male friends who, in the right circumstances, I might have cheated with -- except for knowing that it would have destroyed their lives, and in some cases careers as well. So you make sure never to be in "the right circumstances" where bad things might happen, for his sake as well as your own integrity.
In my case I strongly suspect the other woman was lied to also, that she did not understand the true situation and believed whatever he told her. They have been together at least 10 years now, and perhaps she still believes and trusts him. I choose not to have anything to do with them, because I can't believe anything he says so there's no point having a conversation. My grown children do see him, but the affair shattered their respect and sense of rootedness, as he was not the father they believed he was.
Part 2of2
Here is another overlooked matter. Many public figures of Sanford's generation and older display a naive regard for public sentiment in the internet age. They fail to adequately understand the internet's power in revealing secrets and disseminating information. George Allen found out the hard way with his infamous macaca moment. Mitt Romney, Sarah Palin and others were surprised by how much was dug up from their past. Even media members have been caught off guard. Short memories are easily replenished.
Before the internet many politicians had a firmer grip on public opinion because the number of media outlets was considerably smaller. Powerful politicians in cahoots with local or regional media hid scandals more easily. No more.
It's not just that "he concocted such an elaborate lie in order to cover his tracks" as Beth Broderick stated, but that Sanford thought he could get away with it in the internet age. Only a fool leaves tracks in emails on a government network. Reportedly, he even placed a letter from his mistress in a work related file. Ironically, his wife found the letter. Then he took a government vehicle, the black SUV to the airport for the flight to Argentina paid with state money.
Finally, Sanford draws no respect for my gender but men aren't the only culprits in troubled relationships. Divorce courts frequently hear cases involving cheating wives.
Part 1of2
This is a very interesting article related to a very interesting scandal. Agreeing with the gist of the article doesn't preclude me from opining with counterpoints.
Pundits and others immersed in their world of conventional wisdom, norms and practices heavily criticized Mark Stanford's press conference but overlooked one significant difference. As shoddy or unprofessional as it was, Sanford deserves credit for speaking off the cuff, even taking questions. He could have prepared a scripted sanitized version of his scandal but didn't. My credit in no way absolves him of his foolish and deceptive improprieties. It merely addresses his willingness to bravely put his thoughts out there, most of them at least. As disingenuous as he was, I believe Sanford's apologies have some authenticity. However remorseful he is, it doesn't mean the love for his wife will be restored. Most likely the relationship was over before he trekked to Argentina. Most likely, he is going through a mid life crisis.
Whatever motives Mark, Jenny and the Argentinean mistress have, they are no different from those experienced in love triangles throughout history. Their circumstances and struggle aren't unique. Those three are compelled to follow a script written by destiny and human nature. Only details differ.
Shakespeare wrote centuries ago:
"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts..."
***When will men ever figure out that this big swinging dick action only makes them into midgets?***
When women figure it out too in regards to their body parts.
Hopefully this betrayal will demonstrate to voters the dangers of mixing too much religion, too much money, too much ignorance and too much selfishness.
They thought they were King and Queen of South Carolina!
Just another, "Sexist, Egotistical, Lying Hypocritical Bigot."
Except, in the past, he called so loudly for the resignation of other politician adulterers. A man with integrity - whose words match his actions - would immediately resign.
And, he professes to be a Christian. how many of the Ten Commandments did this guy work hard at breaking.
Beth,
Thank you very much for saying what so many women would like to say but do not have the strength to do so or the place to do so. While I have never been married and not because I did not consider it, I was just lucky enough to find him out for the worthless womanizer he was before I said "I do", I continue to Pray for those that have been hurt by a worthless spouse/lover/friend and like you, while I carry the hurt with me through out my life, I laugh as much as possible and whenever possible and I do what I can to make this a better world.
I have enjoyed watching and respected your work in so many movies and TV shows and I equally enjoy reading and more than equally respect your comments and involvement in so many important issues our world is facing.
I hope this did not come through twice but something happened to my system when I was sending it the first time.
Beth,
Thank you for saying what so many women would like to say but do not have a place to do so or the strength to do so.. While I have never been married, and not because I never want to be, I guess I was just lucky enough to find him out before I said "I do". While I carry that hurt with me every day of my life, I do go on with life, laugh as much as possible and Pray for those who continue to be hurt by a "cheating spouse/lover".
Whether man or woman, betrayals such as these cut to the bone and despite what experts might say, it creates a wall that keeps us from ever trusting completely again (in our own judgment and in other's character) and while that wall may become thinner over time, it remains standing. Doesn't mean you won't smile again. Just means you will always have doubt.
I speak from experience.
Beth,
It's not just men, my wife betrayed me for years and I felt the same way you described when I found out, it almost killed me literally. The shame and betrayal you felt and the feeling of never getting over it is the same with a man. The humiliation alone is enough to drive you to drink or worse.
You are correct that his wife will never truly trust him again, how could she, how could you with your husband, me with my wife? We couldn't. When someone you love and share a life with looks you in the eye and tells thousands of lies about what she/he is not doing there is no way to ever have trust again. In my case my ex convinced my mother that I was crazy, that I was obsessed with her relationship with her boss and that they were "just friends". Yep, friends who rented an apartment to have sex in several times a week for over 5 years.....
Sanford is a lowlife and he should be removed from office by resignation or legislative action.
I appreciate you telling "the story" that some of us know too well.
best,
DC
I thew out my cheating ex years ago and then divorced him. For a couple years I blamed myself and then I realized that:
1. I was much, much better off without him. Had I stayed married, I would have been trapped in a boring town in a boring job.
2. It was not my fault. I was not responsible for his bad choices.
3. He was always going to cheat. It was only a matter of time. The reasons he gave me were excuses and not the causes.
And.. it did get better. It really did. I woke up years later and realized I didn't care anything about him. I didn't care what he was doing. Who he was with. Whether or not he was alive. How liberating.
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