Black Women Find Love, Too

As mainstream coverage of black women goes, the last few weeks haven't exactly been a love fest.

First, National Public Radio featured a Los Angeles entrepreneur named Fleace Weaver, who dates men of all races and encourages other successful African-American women to do the same. Weaver says she's seen too many of her friends go through life unhappily single and considers racially indiscriminate dating the best way to fight the odds of ending up alone. "Some of y'all out here have gotten some signals, and y'all blew him off because he wasn't chocolate," she said during a recent dating seminar. "But we've gotta get over that. Unless you want to be home with chocolate cats."

A few days later, I was bombarded with a link to an MSNBC.com story announcing that "Marriage eludes high-achieving black women" -- as if marriage were an animate object that sees us coming and takes off in the other direction. Friends posted it on Facebook, retweeted it on Twitter and sent mass emails, usually highlighting the story's most jaw-dropping statistic: Thirty-eight percent of black women have never been married, almost twice the percentage of white women.

The writer cited research that black women's increasing educational achievements -- we comprise 7 of every 10 black graduate students according to the Council of Graduate Schools -- may cause our "marriage chances" to decline. Since most Americans tend to marry partners with similar educational backgrounds, "you either have to find another group you can marry or you are out of luck," the research study's author is quoted as saying. "You have nowhere to go."

"Wow," I thought. "There's nowhere to go? Perhaps in 20 years I'll be rich and living by myself, sharing tuna with a cocoa version of Garfield."

And then, I remembered that I'm engaged. To a wonderful man who boils TheraFlu when I'm sick and whips up blueberry-stuffed pancakes with one of those cratered pans from Williams-Sonoma. I remembered that all of my best friends are either in serious relationships or happily juggling multiple suitors, and thought of my dozen or so college buddies who have accepted proposals or tied the knot in the past seven months. I thought of my former advisor, who married for the first time at age 37 and could not be happier; my grandmother's friend who wed her high school sweetheart in her 70s; and the husband and wife I saw mulling cilantro at Harris Teeter, holding hands as their sundress-clad daughter toddled at their feet.

Black love is alive and well in my day-to-day life, though I realize that the macro picture isn't as pretty.

There are almost 1.8 million more black women in this country than black men, according to the latest Census Bureau data. In plain terms, that means that even if every black man in America married a black woman tomorrow, one out of every 12 black women would still be left out. So my problem is not with the notion that black women could benefit from racially diversifying our dance cards or that pursuing postgraduate degrees and profitable employment might make dating complicated.

But I do worry that stories like these -- without a counterpoint for context -- can imply that the trends they discuss are unavoidable or, worse, somehow our fault.

Buried towards the end of the MSNBC.com article, with no attribution, is the following paragraph:

A sociological line of inquiry called "exchange theory" suggests that in the piggy bank of goods each of us brings to a possible relationship -- money, smarts, sense of humor, looks, family background, education, gender -- African heritage is devalued compared with European or Asian heritage. African-American females, even with lots of education, do not fetch as much "value" in the marriage market.

Blanket statements like these are troubling. First, the writer's definition of social exchange theory is arguably a bit off. The theory posits that humans have an economic view of social kinships, which means we weigh the quantifiable benefits and costs before entering into new relationships. So, as Judith A. Howard and Jocelyn Hollander write in their book Gendered Situations, Gendered Selves, because social exchange theory is based on the give and take of transferable, external resources, inherent qualities like race and gender become irrelevant.

But let's say for a minute that we accept the author's definition, and that race does count. Forgive the cliché, but this is the age of Michelle Obama. To say that all non-black men will downgrade a highly educated (positive), well-respected (positive), driven (positive) black woman to an overall negative "value" solely because of her African heritage is, well, ludicrous. And I think it insults the judgment of non-black men.

I'm not saying that black women are perfect, or that it's easy for us to find the right person, or that all of us are looking in the right places with the right attitude. But I do think this debate deserves some perspective: Not only do smart, educated, organized, hard-working black women in healthy, loving relationships exist; in my life, they're everywhere.

And in fairness, all of the women I know - white, black, Latina, Asian, Indian, Australian, French, British, Pakistani - have had trouble at one point or another navigating the dating pool. Finding love is one of life's universal odysseys. The chips aren't stacked in anyone's favor, but I'm a firm believer that making yourself the best person you can is an essential part of being ready when the right mate does appear.

No woman should feel that the pursuit of higher education or a high-powered career is going to ruin her chances. I believe it's just the opposite: An innate drive to be better, to sharpen your skills and never settle, is one of the things that make "high-achieving" women attractive. As long as somewhere along the road to success we keep our eyes open to love and make time to embrace it -- wherever and whenever we find it -- we'll all be fine.

And if not, of course, I hear cats make really good pets.

Follow Beth Perry on Twitter: www.twitter.com/BethCPerry

Comments

[Bobby09871]

We all know that we can't help how, where, or with whom we fall in love, and we all have to remember that love is a personal thing that cannot be applied as a general rule or standard to ANY group of people. The most important thing I am taking away from this piece is that these generalizations we always see about distinctions between groups of people (sex, race, religion, sexual orientation) are never complete nor considerat­e--they're attempts to do something that's impossible; designate individuals by their distinguishable characteristics like we're all one-dimensional, hollow beings.

Thank you, Ms. Perry (soon-to-be Mrs. Bennett) for illustrating this point to all of us. Also, for MSNBC, I would expect better: understand what you're citing before you cite it. This isn't amateur hour.

[taitafalcon]

I don't wish to indict all black women.. but the last one I dated a few years ago told me I was too 'dark'... I was a successsful engineer with a yacht living in California and 1/4 American Indian... but.... I was too black.... Last time I heard from her, was to ask me for a ride to the airport to go see her new boyfriend ... she was too embarrassed to ask him for the parking money.... I found something else to do that morning....

[urnumbersix]

"...most jaw-dropping statistic: Thirty-eight percent of black women have never been married, almost twice the percentage of white women."

Seems to me people are missing the point of this debate by doling out anecdotes about black marriage. The point is - black women are DISPROPORTIONATELY impacted in the marriage game. Yes the statistic means 62% of black women do marry, but that's compared with nearly 80% of marriage for white women.

Please tell me you "get" that if nearly 40% of any population, the highly educated portion, does not marry and a large proportion of that remains childless (unable to pass their gains on to the next generation) -- then there results a Cultural impact on that population! A 20% outlier effect may be absorbed with little impact on a community, but 40%? That's gonna hurt.

This marriage gap is changing us black people as a population in the United States - regardless of the anecdotes of those who you personally know who have successful marriages. We are ostriches with our heads in the sand on this one people. Wake up....

[SaltySaltillo]

wake up to what? Is there something that can change this?

[Beth Perry - Huffpost Blogger]

This is a crucial point. I do understand the importance of the statistics and trends discussed in both of these stories. But I think that black women who are happy with their love lives are often underrepresented or not discussed at all. Thirty-eight percent is indeed a jaw-dropping number, as I mention. But in 2000, the percentage of black women who had never been married was 42.4: http://www.jointcenter.org/DB/factsheet/marital.htm. The numbers are actually declining. That is important context that was not mentioned in either story.

The point of sharing my lived experience is not to pretend that the macro picture doesn't exist; it's more to highlight the other side. No discussion can be fruitful if only one side has a voice.

Thanks for your comment,

Beth

[lennix]

i wish for once someone gets the black man point of view its not just the black women point of view all black men are not morons and love thier black women, my father and mother loved each other i have brothers who love thier wives and i have never been married but i respect my black women the msm have never put the real black man in a good light and we dislike rap music also and crime .this post seem to me is that this black woman she thanks like the rest if you have i good job great education you deserve love becuase of that, thats not life thats some tv show and people in other races would be better then a black man is a myth also if that was so why are they looking for mates all the time too, this is bs black wemen turn off the tv stop reading the so call reports becuase what you got don't make you happy no matter what race you are from and if you think this about love bs this is about social status and its about you not love and this is not the black man fault but as always make the black man the scape goat and this gos for black men too who cliam that they can't find a good black women the truth is you doint what a black man or women thats ok but don't blame the black man .

[faith2hope]

Lennix, please don't view this article as a put down to black men, but the people and stories she reference are the reason for the blog. She is speaking to the fact that love is still attainable even if you are a educated black woman. She speaking to the black woman to say there is marriage material in black men and asking our black women to keep the lines open to attracting and marrying that black man while others speak of seeking it elsewhere.

She speaks of not apologizing because we are educated or the very fact that we are being ask to choose between love and education. If you choose education you can't have a black man or the only way to get a nonblack man is to be educated, as my grandmother would say "the devil is a liar and the truth ain't in him". Don't fall for the hype we black women love us some black men.

[db08]

The problem with the color blind view is that it is blind to the problems inherent in our society based on color. If the view toward black women is negative or limited or both, (which many could rightfully argue that it is) how does it affect interactions and opportunities for those women. Men who are not African American may see black women through stereotypes and as a social liability and, unfortunately, some African American men would agree. There is some validity to the social exchange theory in some communities.

Let's be honest. The Michelle Obama age is less than a year old and still fraught with negative attacks directed toward her and what she represents. The overwhelming compositon of interracial relationship that I see and are part of my social and professional circles involve men of color and white women with a smidge (not even a sprinkle) of African American women and men of other ethnicities.
Having said that, people should love and marry who they chose regardless of ethnicity and let the chips fall as they will for any relationship. This sentiment should not only be directed toward African American women but toward men of other ethnicities who are concerned about family members, friends and business asociates who may not embrace a MIchelle Obama as part of their social and professional circles. African American women should, as you suggest, follow their dreams and explore healthy alternative paths embracing the history and values that make them who they are..

[PresidentRobertBooth]

Forgive me if I'm generalising without cause, but is it not possible that black women have bought into this Beyonce-esque "I'm An Independent Woman!!!" or "Put A Ring On Mah Finger NOW!!!!" mindset where they either A- feel like they don't actually need a husband or B- they put too much pressure on their boyfriends to marry them, which may cause the boyfriend to run?

[faith2hope]

You are excused. Black women have always been independent women and knowing your worth and what you want out of a relationship should in no wise equate to not wanting or needing a husband.

It should, however be a sign to any man that he has met and is in a relationship with a intelligent, independent, passionate woman with a level head and goals and a path to acheive such. Should he in some way feel "pressure" then this would indicate his is not ready for a real woman and it would be best that he leave, not run but strongly be a man and step out of the way.

Perhaps this will lower the divorce rate which I'm sure if we listed to satistics and the media will some how come out higher in the African American race then others. Now that's some thing to think about, we can't get married, but we also led the race in divorces. I'm with "Sayitloud6546" take a breath and turn off the tv and live.

BTW I'm a married black woman to a black man year #23 love is still alive in the black community

[RobinSeattle]

"Black love"

Just what is THAT? Love is love no matter what the ethnicity of the people involved is.

Stop overthinking stuff like this and just go with whoever makes you happy.

[ThePeacemakers]

After reading some comments, I go back to the original question...

What if the problem has never been with "the love"....
What if the prolem is an institution, like marriage, that still tries to be "one-size" fits all with so many varying personal desires, cultures and tastes?

[KenG76]

preconcieved notions on who we should be and who we should be with is the reason women from all races have issues finding a suitable mate. Race does not sustain relationsh­ips/marria­ge but it is consistently used by most of society to either pick or eliminate a potential partner.

[larry278]

Typo: insert, the way, between, like & they.

[larry278]

A bit off thread, beware of seeing yourself caring for any man. I've divorced 2 women because I didn't like they cared for our kids. Yes, I also cared for our kids. Anyway, I didn't want either of my ex's caring for me. There can be peace in dying alone. There wasn't & wouldn't be peace at anytime with my ex's.
I didn't ask any of our kids why they left Mom at age 18. I knew the answer. If you say, "My way or the highway.", be prepared for an empty nest. If you can't or won't negotiate-don't marry or have children. Husbands & kids usually have feet & brains. They use their brains to learn when they need to use their feet to leave. Even disabled people will leave.

[sdskelton03]

Black women do have it tough when it comes to finding a good black man.

The hip-hop culture that too many young black men ascribe denigrates women and treats them solely as sexual objects to be used and discarded.

That same culture espouses values that are counterproductive to a solid marriage relationship. It glorifies crime and the criminal lifestyle, mainstreams horrible english, denigrates work and values wealth and possessions without regard as to the manner they are obtained.

In my racially mixed St. Louis neighborhood, well spoken and achieving young black men are at a premium. I just wish there were more of them and fewer of the other type.

[suavecitomama]

I totally disagree for the idea that we have to "marry within our station" or race for that matter.

I went to an elite undergrad institution, have all of my master's coursework completed while my husband never even considered college until AFTER we were married. I didn't marry him for "credentials"...I married him for "potential". Because he is a smart, witty, talented individual and it didn't matter that I had been in school almost twice the time he had. My wonderful black husband is a terrific father raising our two young children while I work my three or four jobs. Everytime our financial situation improves, he goes back to school as long as he can. He is within a year of graduating with his secondary education credentials and I couldn't be more proud.

And sdskelton03, don't trash Hip Hop at face value. There are always "bad" components of any cultural influence and those are the things that the MSM like to latch on to. Try to listen to Common, Talib Kweli, Roots...and so many more. You may find there are threads of strength and consciousness in Hip Hop that you never knew existed. Just like "Rock" was once thought of as the Devil's Music, we have all benefited from the Rock likes of Bruce Springsteen, the Beatles, The Dead, and Hendrix to name a few. Lighten up...you're "judging a book by it's cover"...you wouldn't want it done to you, now would you?

[DocMo76]

As a black man I have observed that part of the culture problem with the black female culture (not always) is the religious test in dating. I have spoken to so many females and as soon as they here that I am athiest it is the end of the story even though I am stable and sane. Our religous culture is separating us into Christians v/s evil when it comes to black women. White women i have talk to tend to be less judgemental about religous affiliation. Not one has ever put me down for my stance. Just from my experience.

[Thinklongterm]

IF white men are so great, why are white women avoiding marrige too? They have the same complaints that ALL women have about men. These types of articles come around from time to time and all they do is cause yelling and screaming between black women and men. And what kind of bozo goes to a seminar that encourages you to discriminate against your own race? If a women has so much education and wealth that she feels that no man can have her then she gets what she deserves: a tub of Hagen das and a vibrator.

How do Asian men feel when they see their women with white men? Do they get upset? Latino men aren't too happy when they see a black man with their women. Lets see more articles about that. How do white women feel when they see them with a a non-white? Do they call them a sellout too?

In a time where you have an explosion of online dating sites filled with frustrated women of all colors looking for love and marrige I find it curious that this topic continues to come up in the MSM. In other words "leave black people alone"! WE have enough problems in America.

[noudidnt]

lol

[faith2hope]

Thinklongterm I co-sign on this. When was the last time you read an article that speaks of the good in black relationships. With the exceptions of the recent articles on our President there haven't been many. When its negative you can find "Black America" written all over it.

Like you I'd like to know how other races are dealing with this very same thing both men and women but its always black and white.

[Pippen]

Here's my problem with your write up:

".......But I do worry that stories like these -- without a counterpoint for context -- can imply that the trends they discuss are unavoidable or, worse, somehow our fault........"

A.) Unavoidable = yes. It's math unless you have alot of divorce and remarries or polygamy. The alternative is exactly what the story on NPR was suggesting, dating candidates of different ethnicities.

B.) Somehow your fault = yes, in part. All relationships whether married, living together, color, ethnicity is 50%:50%. Period. If your relationship is not working out, you have to take 50% of the blame. That's how it works. Any other perspective is a recipe for future doomed relationships.

I think everyone has overlooked a male perspective in this thread. The majority of males marry the secretary but dated the Exec. Why ? Men are MEN. They want to take care of feel needed not just wanted. We're protectors and providers and Knights in shining armor.

Thats what we want to be. Kinda hard to be all of those things with a "Queen" who rules her world making the same coin or more as her object paramour.