I'm 56 years old and twice divorced.
So what the hell makes me qualified to give advice about how to find your soulmate? Because this March, after 86 first dates with Mr. Wrong, I finally met Mr. Right -- the man I've been looking for my whole life, but didn't know how to conjure up.
And now that I've found the partner of my dreams, I want to share what I've learned along the way. Turns out, there really is a recipe for success.
In my professional life, I have no issues rocking a boardroom, leading a seminar, or schooling an executive team. But I had to face that in the area of love, I was a complete idiot. I needed coaching, so I hired the best... my two sisters: life coaches Lauren Zander and Marnie Nir.
The truth is they were sick of seeing me failing at love. Both of them have exquisite marriages; Lauren has been married for 15 years, Marnie for nearly 20. So they made me a deal. The only way they'd coach me was if I did every single thing they said, and followed every bit of advice. I agreed, and waited to hear their rules.
RULE 1: TELL THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE FREAKIN' TRUTH
Shortly thereafter, I had a first date for drinks with someone I met online. I arrived looking for the guy from his photos -- a man with a full head of brown hair. I walked up and down the bar, but the only guy there was nearly bald, with a little silver around the sides. It was chilly in the bar, so I ran back to my car to grab my jacket. And when I walked back in, the bald guy said, "Beth?"
Now, in my head, my inner dialogue is screaming, WTF! Those pictures must be at least 10 years old! Where's your head of hair? It wasn't that he was bad looking, but I was totally offended by his insincerity. I endured a polite drink and left as soon as I could. I called Marnie from the parking lot to tell her what happened. The nerve of this guy!
Marnie said, "Sorry, that sucks. Did you say anything?" And I paused. "Huh? Say something about his hair?" Then she nailed me. "Beth, why didn't you ask why his photos don't look like him? He's lying, sure, but so are you! Why couldn't you speak the truth and be honest with him?" I thought it over and realized she was right. But Marnie wasn't done with me yet. She continued, "Think about all the women you could have saved from this guy! You don't ever get to go out on a date again and not speak the truth. That's the rule. In fact, if you do, you need a consequence."
For those of you who are new to the Handel Method, we make promises about how we're going to behave, and create a consequence to keep us on the hook. A consequence is something you agree to do that is annoying enough that you keep your promise.
So right then and there, I made a promise to tell the truth on my dates.The whole truth, no withholding. And if I didn't, I had five minutes after the date to call or text the guy and set things straight. Otherwise, I had to throw $10 out the window as the consequence. The bottom line was this: If I wanted to meet a truth-teller, first I had to be one. I am proud to say that I never had to pay that consequence.
RULE 2: LEARN TO SAY A BEAUTIFUL NO
At HG, we teach that what you receive from the universe is equal to what you're creating. So if I wanted to find love, I was going to have to BE love. That meant that instead of being annoyed when I found myself on a date with a guy who wasn't a match, I had to take care of his heart. I had to learn to be truly flattered that he was into me, to appreciate the glass of wine he bought, to thank him for driving 45 minutes and be grateful for his attention. And I had to mean it. What I got in return was incredible -- texts, emails and calls -- people calling me a "breath of fresh air," thankful for my honesty. I never once had a bad response. I got back exactly what I was putting in.
RULE 3: SKYPE FIRST
I literally almost fired my sisters over this one. Skype him before I meet him for a drink?! Are you kidding me? That meant having to care about my hair, put on makeup, change into a decent shirt! Not very convenient. But, as it turns out, it's totally worth the work. Skyping first definitely saved me from more bad first dates.
RULE 4: LIVE FROM A STATE OF AWESOMENESS
Remember that you get back what you put in, I had to commit to being the the best version of myself in order to attract the partner of my dreams. This meant making sure I was rocking with my company, with my family, and with my friends. In any areas that I wasn't the BEST Beth I could be, I had to get to work immediately and put my whole heart into it -- fixing old relationships, working on my bad personality traits, and making sure I was taking care of myself so I would be ready when the right one showed up.
Now that I was telling the truth, truly being the best version of myself and yes, even Skyping, Lauren gave me my key assignment: writing up his Soul's Ingredients.
As far as the universe was concerned, I was looking for a man, and it was sending me all kinds of men. Problem was, my order needed to be more specific.
So I made my list, and it looked like this: he's smart, powerful, and successful in his career. He's built something, and cares deeply about people and the world. He loves communicating with me. He loves kissing and is an incredible kisser. And on and on.
And in three weeks, I met him on Match.com... the guy I ordered. We Skyped. I could tell immediately he had many of the things on my list, so we made plans for a drink. At the drink, I discovered that he had even more of the Soul's Ingredients I asked for. By our second date, I was shocked to find that this man had every single thing I had specified! (with one exception: I listed an amicable divorce as one of the ingredients. As it turns out, my guy is a widower after a happy 30-year marriage. Needless to say, I let that one slide!)
P.S. Want to learn more about how to be the best you, tell the whole truth, and call in your soul mate? Come to our Design Your Life Weekend and learn the method we have used to help thousands of men, women, couples, executives and companies around the world. Take it from me: It's never too late to make your dreams come true and fall in love with your life!
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