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Beth Woolsey
Beth is the writer and humorist behind the Five Kids Is A Lot of Kids
. She's been described as “optimistic, authentic, poignant and
laugh-out-loud funny, [capturing] the mom experience with all its
pathos and humor,” and was named one of’s Top Five Moms
Who Will Make You Laugh Out Loud.

Beth and her husband, Greg, are parents to five kids. Their kids are
adopted and homemade, singletons and multiples, and some have special
needs. Most importantly, Beth says, “they’re all our very own.”

Entries by Beth Woolsey

What If Consistency Isn't the Key to Good Parenting?

(17) Comments | Posted June 20, 2014 | 2:40 PM

I think I've read it in every parenting book. Heard it from the lips of all the parenting experts. Consistency is the key to good parenting, they say, and there are few principles more important. And I bought that message for years. Like all my friends, I was a hook, line and...

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An Open Letter to Parents From Your Kids' Camp Counselors

(1) Comments | Posted June 16, 2014 | 2:45 PM

It's that time of year again. The time we ready our children... and ourselves... for camp. Camp. With all the camp feelings. Because we parents LOVE camp. Or we don't love camp. We're eager for camp. Or nervous. Thrilled. Or scared. Or all of the above, really, because we're human...

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30 cosas rastreras que hacen los padres y que arruinan la vida de sus hijos

(18) Comments | Posted April 21, 2014 | 1:01 AM

Dicen que las confesiones son buenas para el alma. Que al confesar, nos liberamos.

Así pues, yo confieso que últimamente he estado arruinando de forma extraordinaria e irracional la vida de mis hijos (y que lo sigo haciendo, de hecho).

Por ejemplo:

  • Le dije a mi hijo que se duchara...
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29 unglaublich miese Dinge, mit denen Eltern das Leben ihrer Kinder ruinieren

(2) Comments | Posted April 9, 2014 | 1:30 PM

Geständnisse sind gut für die Seele, heißt es. Geständnisse machen frei.

Ich gestehe, dass ich mich in letzter Zeit völlig unverantwortlich verhalten habe. Und, dass ich damit das Leben meiner Kinder ruiniere.

Zum Beispiel:

  • Ich habe meinen Sohn im Grundschul-Alter gebeten, zu duschen. Er antwortete zu Recht: "MEIN GOTT,...
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30 Totally Rotten Things Parents Do That Are Ruining Their Kids' Lives

(229) Comments | Posted April 8, 2014 | 9:55 AM

Confession is good for the soul, they say. Confession sets you free.

Well, I confess I have been extraordinarily unreasonable lately, and that I am, in fact, ruining my children's lives.

For example:

  • I asked my middle schooler to take a shower even though, "GEEZ, Mom."
  • I asked my daughter...
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Adoption and the 'Real Mom'

(0) Comments | Posted November 22, 2013 | 3:24 PM

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day.

When you're 9 years old and a girl, I suppose being an emotional wreck is to be expected.

Ah, hell. When you're 37 years old and a girl, I suppose being an emotional wreck is to be expected.

Sometimes, though,...

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A Halloween Contract for More Acceptable Working Conditions

(7) Comments | Posted October 30, 2013 | 3:44 PM

Five kids is a lot of kids, man, and that means no matter how frugal (read: cheap) we try to be, birthday parties and Christmas presents and Easter baskets and, oh dear Lord, school fundraisers make our bank balances weep with the pain of it all.

But, there's one...

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The Government Shut Down -- Parents Can Too!

(1) Comments | Posted October 1, 2013 | 4:59 PM

Look, I understand the frustration my fellow Americans may feel about today's federal government shutdown. Truly, I do. I mean, we pay well over 1/3 of our income to taxes, too, and, you know, we'd very much like to see that money used to Keep Doing Stuff, to...

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Dear Mrs. Hall, Regarding Your 'FYI (if You're a Teenage Girl)'

(41) Comments | Posted September 9, 2013 | 4:33 PM

Dear Mrs. Hall,

I saw your letter to teenage girls posted by several friends in my Facebook feed. Friends I admire. Friends with whom I have deep, true things in common. Friends who are strong women who care deeply about the character of their kids and my kids...

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15 Rules for Peeing: A Primer for Kids

(164) Comments | Posted August 8, 2013 | 3:35 PM

We all know the old adage "never pee into the wind," but there are some additional, quality, "how to" ideas about peeing that are not, apparently, self-evident. For those times, here are:

15 Rules for Peeing: A Primer for Kids

Rule 1....

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A Letter to My Teen: I Love You. Now Knock It Off.

(11) Comments | Posted August 2, 2013 | 4:13 PM

To my dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, sweet child, whom I love very, very, very, very, very, very much,

Knock it off.

You are driving your family crazy, man.

Crazy to the moon.

And when I say "your family," I include you in it, 'cause I can see it in...

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10 Essential Summer Lies for Parents

(12) Comments | Posted June 12, 2013 | 10:42 AM

School is almost out. I can tell because my son took a hoe to school for Show and Tell. There's nothing that screams we're drinking the dregs of the school year like the kindergartner shouting "Mom! Hurry up with that hoe!" across the parking lot of the nice Christian school.

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20 choses que chaque parent devrait entendre

(0) Comments | Posted May 24, 2013 | 3:28 AM

1. Vos enfants vous considèrent comme un héros. Si, si. Pour eux, vous êtes ce héros qui va jusqu'au bout, combat les dragons, et qui affronte les épreuves. Vous voir vous prendre des claques rend ce sentiment encore plus fort chez eux. Pas l'inverse.

2. Nous avons tous du mal....

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20 Things Every Parent Should Hear

(85) Comments | Posted May 16, 2013 | 12:23 PM

1. You are a hero for your kids. You are. You're a go-the-distance, fight-the-dragon, face-the-challenges hero for your kids. Taking a beating makes that more true. Not less.

2. We all struggle. Every parent. Everywhere. We all second-guess ourselves. And we all want to quit sometimes. Hold the good times...

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You Don't Have to Choose a Parenting Method to Be a Great Parent

(10) Comments | Posted May 3, 2013 | 12:54 PM

I walked the floor with a baby on each shoulder gently bounce, bounce, bouncing them, my back burning, hoping to ease my twins to sleep. They must've been just a few weeks old, our fourth and fifth kids, recently out of the neonatal intensive care unit, all of us recovering...

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5 Fun Facts About Flying With Santa

(1) Comments | Posted December 21, 2012 | 1:09 PM

Although we welcome Santa into our homes and hearts this time of year, carefully choosing his favorite cookies (chocolate chip, despite the ongoing snickerdoodle rumors) and waxing eloquent on the magic he uses to shove his girth into the chimney, we know very little about Santa in his role as...

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Where Is the Light When Tragedy Strikes?

(0) Comments | Posted December 17, 2012 | 12:05 PM

We sit in this season of darkness. Cold. Helpless. Lost. Afraid. Consumed, at times, with our despair and our weakness and our lack of control over life and death and the events in between.

It doesn't seem strange at all that it's winter. I can't imagine today without gray.


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An Open Letter to New Mama Me

(15) Comments | Posted November 27, 2012 | 6:06 PM

If I could go back fourteen years to the beginning of this Mama Gig, there are things I'd tell New Mama Me.

Things she should hear. Things she should know. Things I'd deliver straight to her heart, like that violent Pulp Fiction through-the-chest resuscitation shot to help her breathe...

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Rejecting the Balance Myth

(8) Comments | Posted October 24, 2012 | 11:12 AM

How do you balance it all?

Other moms ask me this all the time, and as a mother of five kids, I don't blame them for wondering. God knows I've asked busy moms how they do it, too, hoping they'll share the secret. Or the magic. Or the pills. I'm...

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Zipper Penis

(116) Comments | Posted October 16, 2012 | 11:33 AM

This post was written by Beth Woolsey from Five Kids is a Lot Of Kids and illustrated by Amber Dusick from Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures™.

I was halfway down the stairs, one 3-year-old in hand, when the screaming from the other 3-year-old started.

I immediately...

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