Tantrums: Doing What Comes Naturally

There's nothing like a toddler's tantrum or an older child's meltdown to bring a parent to her knees. It's one of those behaviors that makes you feel inadequate and helpless, to say nothing of incompetent.

Put that tantrum in a public place -- a restaurant, the grocery store, the school lobby --and you can add embarrassment, fear, and frustration to your own list of feelings. The ante is upped.

Believe it or not, tantrums are typical of children all over the world, and they look pretty much the same wherever you go. I have never heard of a child who makes it through childhood without having at least a few.

At its root, a tantrum is a result of frustration. Whether it is something the child can't have, can't do, can't express, or just can't tolerate, he is frustrated. His aspirations outweigh his ability. He wants to make all the decisions. He wants what he wants right now!

Couple that with "Lousy Local Conditions" and it's the perfect storm. Lousy Local Conditions occur when the environment sabotages the child's ability to be his best self. Whether he is tired or over-tired, hungry, exhausted from your errands, tuckered out from too many birthday parties, too many playdates, not enough naps, or just missing his traveling parent so much, he is spent. We all know how it feels when your resources are exhausted.

Tantrums rarely occur at convenient times or locations. And they are usually cumulative. The last straw is just the right excuse to let off steam.

Just remember, more often than not, your child did not choose his agenda. His agenda chose him. Tantrums are a part of normal development.

Here's how to deal with tantrums (when the train has left the station):

 

 

 

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Comments

[Melissa Irlandez]

03:20 PM on 03/16/2012

I think I was blessed with my two. My son had maybe a handful of mini meltdowns, my daughter tried it once -wearing boots and stomping, had to walk away because I started laughing. I think the reason why they had soo few tantrums is I always kept them fed and hydrated, would never take them shopping close to nap time and limited their activities to maybe an hour or two. But over all I feel like kids are born with a certain temperament. I have witnessed extreme tantrums, even helped try to get a toddler in a stroller- felt horrible for the mom. My rule is if a toddler starts to unravel, time to go- and never speak to them until they are over their fit- this just makes it way worse. Be there, but no one can "talk" a toddler down. I see moms with their little ones shopping, the kid is crying - they yell at the child, hit the child, the child sounds hungry, I don't know what people expect from little kids. Parents need to run down the checklist- hungry? Thirsty? Wet? Tired? Strapped down and frustrated? Just take the time and see the world from their eyes before you start smacking.

[legaleagle4]

08:45 PM on 03/15/2012

Ken7, you are just wrong, plain and simple, at least when it comes to special needs children. I'm autistic and grew up autistic, and I still have meltdowns from time to time. It's not me being a brat - it's that I'm so full of frustration or fear or anger (or all three) that I need to do something to let it all out. If I'm told I can't have a meltdown, the eventual freakout is far stronger. I'm like a soda can being shaken sometimes - I NEED to either go somewhere to relax, or I will overflow.

[Ken7]

03:18 PM on 03/15/2012

Had four kids and not a one had a tantrum. You will get many more trantrums by thinking that they are normal. They are not. Tantrums come from kids who have not been trained early on that they will not get their way by misbehaving. This article does a huge disservice to parents by teaching them it is normal. It's not normal... it generally comes from poor parent discipline at a young age.

[Patriot28]

09:16 AM on 03/17/2012

How right you are. I had 3 and not one tantrum. Tantrums were not tolerated. And no matter what the 'experts' say, they are normal.

[bmitche]

02:57 PM on 03/15/2012

"Ignoring it" is the perfect cure for tantrums.

[coldroses]

02:25 PM on 03/15/2012

I work with special need toddlers, hearing or speech impaired. So they have a difficult time communicating. I agree with most things in this article though. In my classroom, we have a crying corner, that is padded with those floor mats. When a child starts to throw a tantrum, he/she is put in the corner and is told, "when you are done crying, you may get up". Then I continue about the activities and ignore the child. When they try to move before their tantrum is over, they are moved back in the corner and told the same thing. No eye contact and nothing else is said to them. As soon as the fit dies down, no more screaming or crying, even for a second, I automatically remove the child from the corner. With certain children, this has caused their tantrums to go down drastically. Other children will put themselves in the crying corner when they have a fit. I'm not sure but I think it is comforting to them to know they have a safe place to go and get it all out.

[brendaf031266]

02:15 PM on 03/15/2012

Ha Maybe we need to start spanking our children again, and this wouldnt be happening. Back in the day our moms would slap us up beside the head if we even thought about acting like that. Come on people, dont act like disciplining our kids is or ever was a bad thing. Our parents whipped us (im not talking about abuse here) and we turned out like good law abiding citizens. Its the kids that are "given the choices" that always make the wrong choice! If you grow up understanding that this kind of behaviour will NOT be tolerated without consequences, you wont act like that when you get older. Simple fact. Simple truth.

[beninabox1]

12:36 AM on 03/17/2012

Maybe back in the day kids actually had physical ways to let stuff out. Not in today's hypersheltered environments. Parent's won't even let their kids walk the neighborhood unescorted or driven to a 'play date'.

[Sonya Parker]

01:53 PM on 03/15/2012

I have no advice to give on this topic. My kids never threw tantrums. I think they thought about it a couple of times, but they knew I would make it uncomfortably clear tantrum behavior would not be tolerated.

[map71]

01:50 PM on 03/15/2012

What do you do when a child is almost 7 & still throwing tantrums?

[brendaf031266]

02:17 PM on 03/15/2012

Spank them and send them to their rooms. Stick to your word. Dont back down. No matter what. Let them know they will not treat you with disrespect in your home and that you would rather sit in jail for spanking them than allow them to act the way that they are acting. They get a choice. Stop or get a spanking.

[legaleagle4]

08:46 PM on 03/15/2012

If they are not special needs, I would think about behavioral therapy. If they are special needs, that's another issue entirely.

[BetsyBBraun]

01:31 PM on 03/15/2012

Isn't absolutely amazing and at the same time wonderful that there are some many different ideas about how to raise children! There is no one size fits all answer. Of this I am really sure!

[ondrey]

01:27 PM on 03/15/2012

I am curious if, in the future, these techniques will work on the adults these same strategies have fostered?

[narmatis7]

01:15 PM on 03/15/2012

I want to know what to do when my children age 3 twins have tantrums when I have to leave from the park my other children did this to and all I could do was escort them to the car and listen to continued screaming and kicking the car seats while driving home and this causes a scene in public , I am not the only one I seen the same problem with other parents are having while leaving public places and telling them that you wont take them there unless they behave wont work with mine took away toys to I found with my older children that did the same thing when they were little they grew out of the tantrums , as they got older they got better.

[franks1996too]

01:12 PM on 03/15/2012

We as adults, parent,roll models, and guardians must never lose control of our owne self esteem. Get involve with our children, know their likes, and dislikes, be their friend as much as a parent, and most of all communicate with them. that will bring a healthier relationship between us and our children.

[mumbuzz]

01:11 PM on 03/15/2012

When my son was young 2-3 years old, I remember him having a meltdown in the grocery store. I left my cart, picked him up with out a word, carried him to the car, strapped him in the car seat, drove home without talking, pulled into my driveway, unbuckled him and took him out of the car, carried him to the kitchen where my now ex husband was sitting, and said: I'm going back to the store alone, see you two in a bit." Seriously, it's the only meltdown I remember, my son will be 25 this year, on his own for several years, works, votes, and crusades for equality, & mumma couldn't be prouder ; )

[Chris Mehlan]

12:54 PM on 03/15/2012

Thank god I don't have Children. I'm almost 26 now and have known since I was a teenager that I don't want any. It also helps that my wife can't have any more and her children live with their dad so I only have to deal with them every 2 weeks. Perfectly content with my 2 cats and the dog. This sounds like a nightmare!

[microbe42]

02:26 PM on 03/15/2012

Sorry Chris, you sound like a teenager ! Once you understand that you cannot go back and redo what you haven't done you may regret never experiencing the JOYS of raising your own family.
I hope you are not a lonely old man at the age of 42 ! It could happen !

[Chris Mehlan]

08:54 PM on 03/15/2012

haha well that's your opinion I dated a girl before I met my wife and she had a baby long story short she strung me along for a ride and then ran off. so don't judge me and don't tell me what I will regret later in life because I dont' live my life with regrets..anyway it completely turned me off to the whole idea of children in general. granted I didn't want kids anyway.I enjoy my kid-free life and wouldn't have it any other way Have a great evening :)

[Gregg-O]

09:05 AM on 03/20/2012

I felt the same way...at 43 I met my now wife, with her 4 little kids, ..the rest is history 13yrs later and 4 good kids....I guess i could say ..never say never. But , i got to say, I never wanted kids either.

[dv9tck]

12:39 PM on 03/15/2012

I onlly remember one tantrum - the first when my father was present. Previously, I was able to do about whatever I wanted with my mother (poor, long suffering woman). However, my father was a different matter. I went into my routine and he lifted me up to his eye level, with one hand, by the front of my shirt - and looked into my eyes. There was such a message in those eyes - and that was my very last tantrum. I decided control was infinitely preferable to that look!

[Gregg-O]

09:08 AM on 03/20/2012

I've always said " a little fear goes a long way' with kids. Not that you want them afraid of you, but just enough that they think twice about doing something they know will upset you. I know it worked on me...even though I knew my parents loved me, I knew better than to piss them off...LOL.