Why I F**cking Hate Starbucks

After all these years, I've reached a very important conclusion: I'm a simple kind of girl. I like my produce plain and unadorned. Most days, I only wear sunblock and lipgloss. I have never owned a blow dryer. I truly believe that sunshine and a long walk does more for your spirits than any self-help book.

This, I suspect, is why I hate Starbucks. Oh, don't get me wrong. 3 out of 7 days of the week, you will probably find me at a Starbucks. I wish I could be more militant about it, and be one of those people brews their tea at home to bring to work. But I don't. I'm lazy. And Starbucks is so ubiquitous. Which brings me to my first point:

1. Number of branches
There are 7 (count them, 7) Starbucks on South Beach. Do you know how small South Beach is? You can never have a secret hookup with someone and not run into them at your gym thirty minutes later. I know all the homeless people by their smells. Gossip travels at the speed of light. THAT'S how small it is. So why are there 3 Starbucks on Lincoln Rd alone? Is it because we have all suddenly developed a taste for Javanese coffee roasts? No, my friends. It's called being a "loss leader." Starbucks doesn't give a shit whether they make money or not, because this is a publicly traded company with deep, deep pockets. Their only goal is to grow and expand as quickly as possible, so that eventually all mom and pop businesses get edged out of market share. The kicker is, the bigger something gets, the shittier the quality becomes. Like McDonalds. Which brings me to my next point.

2. Quality
A rose by any other name doth smell as sweet. Especially if you're on the Starbucks marketing team. Brazil Ipanema Bourbon? Joya del Dia? Guatemala Casi Cielo? Are you fucking kidding me, people? Your coffee SUCKS. The best coffee that I have ever had was at a lowly hawker stall in Singapore. It was rich, black and gleaming. It smelled full-bodied and robust, and it woke your ass up at 6AM , a full-on caffeine extravaganza. And it was called, simply, "coffee." Your Mocha Sanani Cha-cha-la-la by comparison, tastes like a cross between drain cleaner and flat Pepsi. The fact that you are exploiting Third World Countries and militia-led countries to harvest cheap beans doesn't make my cuppa joe taste any better.

3. Music
Enough with the lesbian folk singers and the Miles Davis already. We get it! We, your target audience, are supposed to be sophisticated and discerning connoisseurs of world music. So why is that that every time I walk in, some Jewel rip-off is warbling in the distance? Did anyone at the mothership do their market segmentation research? Are you guys aware that Miami is 80% Latin, and that you'd be better off playing Suenelo Sound System or at the very least, classic Celia Cruz? Must you subject the entire world to what sounds like the Dawson's Creek soundtrack? I have news for you - THERE ARE NO WHITE PEOPLE IN MIAMI. THEY HAVE ALL FLED TO BROWARD.

4. Pretentiousness
Of all the things that piss me off most, being pretentious tops the list. This is why it irks me to no end, when people do things like perfume their dogs and bring them to pet yoga. That's called "being an asshole." On this note, the "The Way I See It" ad campaign has raised Starbucks' asshole-ness to an unprecedented level. It is bad enough that self-help gurus and life coaches clog the airwaves. Must we now suffer the travesty of having dimestore philosophy on our coffee cups? And it's a "medium" chamomile tea, not a "Grande." You're headquartered in Seattle, not Florence. Oh, and you want me to TIP YOU for this holy annoyance? No thanks. Give me my change, all of it. The next time I'm feeling introspective and want to read someone else's rhetoric, I'll crack open my copy of Hume.

Comments

[bsuzz]

I read this post a couple days ago at work and wanted to put my 2 cents in.

I was a long time cheerleader of Starbucks until this fall. I had stopped by for a latte and pumpkin loaf every morning before work – for years. Despite their constantly rising prices, I was still a faithful customer. Then it started happening.

I received a stale piece of pumpkin loaf. I chalked it up as a fluke. Then another. And again another. I began asking the help before I ordered if the pumpkin loaf was "fresh". Then - and only then - would they check the quality of the pumpkin loaf. These are barristers I have ordered from for years. Suddenly, I was responsible for the freshness of the goods they are serving me. Makes me wonder if I should ask about the expiration date on the milk they use in my latte.

I thought I had developed good relationships with the barristers over the years - and yet they were serving me bad products. I always tipped them well and was a pleasant customer, so I didn't understand the change. I started going to a different Starbucks and again received stale products and less courteous services.

I wrote to the company 3 times and never received a reply. I called both of the Starbucks who served me the stale products and was treated very rudely. My only other (pre-fall 2007) complaint when I was served the wrong drink. That time I was dealt with courteously and respectfully. Today, I'm ignored and dismissed. This has made me a Starbucks hater as well.

[BlackJAC]

The only time I have been in a Starbucks is to use their bathroom after attending the Battle Of Lexington Reenactment. The only time I've had their coffee is two cans of espresso I bought at a 7-Eleven to keep me awake for the aforementioned reenactment because I couldn't find my preferred stay-awake­-at-4:30-A­M beverage of Arizona energy tonic--you know you've got the effective stuff when your eyeballs are burning.

[OtayPanky]

For a consistently good cuppa Joe, I recommend Dunkin' Donuts.

And their Donuts - even though they're no good for you - are fresh all day long...unlike the upscale carb hockey pucks at Starbucks.

[1will]

I don't mind Starbucks. The coffee is ok and I'm not usually in there long enough for the music to get old.
The one thing I wonder about is the piercings and tattoos. When did it become a requirement that you have to look like Marilyn Manson's roadie to serve coffee. It seems like everyone working at Starbucks now thinks they are a rock star and must be pierced, tattooed and have several hair colors not found in nature.
That's just an observation not a condemnation. As long as the coffee comes quickly I don't care if the server files her teeth.

[Crowhaul]

Any company that requires the use of the word 'venti' should be avoided at all costs.

My personal boycott of starbucks began when i attempted to order, simply enough, a 'large coffee please'. The girl behind the counter stared at me like i was a jaundiced leper invading her space. At length she decreed that it was better to persuade me to use her jingoistic coffee-speak than to give me my effing large coffee.

[1will]

Here's a thought. If you don't like Starbucks then don't go there. Every 7-11 and almost every gas station brews coffee and the wait is a hell of alot less. 7-11, WaWa and Sheetz have better coffee anyway.
Starbucks coffee is ok. The music is secondary. It's kind of like suffering through elevator music or listening to wait they play while you're on hold. It's just background noise.
If Starbucks is your biggest complaint then life is pretty good.

[Fuji]

Dear Beverly,

I love you, and if I weren't already married, I'd ask for your hand.

[sandhi]

Everyone I know hates Starbucks. I hate Starbucks.
Negative press concerning Starbucks abounds. So why does this chain proliferate?

I live in a small suburb right outside of Chicago and within the limits of our village there are THREE Starbucks!! Yuck!

I never patronize them. Even though it would be quite easy enough for me to do so. Dunkin' Donuts has way better coffee than $tarbucks, but I guess it's just not cool enough for the masses.

I did enjoy this post and the profanity didn't bother me at all, as it's in the line of my way of thinking, especially regarding $tarbucks. The only thing that bothered me is that she acts as if there are no other places to get a nice hot cup of coffee when there clearly are MANY other places to give business to.

[pkohan]

Look - complaining about too many Starbucks is passe for anybody living in a major American city. They're ubiquitous; unless you can find original humor in that (as they did in the movie "Best in Show"), then just don't go there.

I do know some people on the Starbucks music team, so I forwarded this post onto them. Give 'em something to think about.

[WTFbush]

Oh my God! You are awesome Beverly. I only wish that you had suggested that they change thier name to 'Five Bucks'.

By the way, marry me? ;o)

[QueenCeleste]

It is disheartening to see many posts now liberally peppered with profanity. Don't you realize that swear words lose all impact when used so often? I know it takes creativity to think up other words to state your position. But good writers should have no trouble with that.

However, I do share your loathing of Starbucks!

[MajorKong]

I enjoyed the coffee in Turkey. The Turks say coffee should be "As black as death, as hot as hell and as sweet as love."

[texanna]

In the background?! What Starbucks are you going to? The ones I visit you can barely place your order over the volume of the music. When Starbucks first appeared on the scene, those of us who don't have an office to meet people in could use them as meeting places. Since they started selling music the music is overbearing.

[NABNYC]

I sure hope you've seen the Kid from Brooklyn's video on Starbucks -- "seven bucks for a cup of coffee and some poundcake." If you haven't, go find it and watch it.

[GQTaste]

You're my kind of lady! I"m glad I came across this post. It's too bad they're aren't more women out there like yourself!

as ever
GQtaste