Two months ago, outgoing New York Governor Paterson made what I consider one of the biggest mistakes of his career: He signed legislation making New York the 50th and final state to sign on to no-fault divorce -- the kind where both individuals must consent to tie the knot, but only one need choose to sever it.
I was heartsick and wrote about my own divorce experience for
The Daily Beast. After 20 years of marriage and two children, eight years ago my husband had begun having an affair and unexpectedly walked out one day. I was devastated, but thought he'd eventually come to his senses. Family isn't something to be thrown away overnight and, while I may have been naïve at the time, I fought to save mine.
The day the story came out all hell broke loose.
"What's wrong Mommy?" my youngest daughter E. asked when she saw me burst into tears. We were on vacation, and I'd decided to check the computer before we headed to the beach.
"Nothing honey," I said, quickly steeling myself. "Just that article I told you about. Some people didn't like it."
Hate mail had already begun rolling in to the website. Eventually, there were e-mails and messages waiting for me on Facebook, too. I never expected such an outpouring of venom from total strangers. More than anything, though, I was bewildered, as baffled perhaps as I'd been the day my ex announced his departure.
What was controversial about a woman who loved her husband and children more than anything and wanted to save her family from the heartaches of divorce? Was she really an "idiot," a "psycho" bent on "revenge," out to hog-tie the man who freely said "I do" into "forced slavery" because of her hard-headed sense of right and wrong? That's what some anonymous commenters thought. Maybe divorce brings out the worst in people.
"It's okay, Mom. You're a good writer," E. said as I swabbed my eyes and put on my swimsuit. "You're always telling me not to worry so much about what other people think." True. My daughter and I went off to the beach for the next few hours, me arm-in-arm with the child the naysayers said I'd have been better off spending my legal money on. As if yet another pair of Doc Martens could somehow ease the pain. E. and I returned to our friend's apartment later in the day, fortified by gelato. By then, I'd missed the opportunity for one national radio spot, but when Fox came calling, however, I'd shored up my jujitsu.
As the week wore on, many supporters weighed in, too. Children of divorce whose first-hand experiences confirmed that their parents' decision to break up the family hadn't been the best thing for them. Supporters who felt standing up for principles didn't warrant putting me under lock and key. Even people in no-fault states who were refusing to accept the odds. Women -- and men -- who had also been suddenly disposed of, and understood the anguish, the financial hardship, the fallen dreams. I'd also written the article for them, so they'd know they weren't alone. Their touching messages had me tearing up all over again: Divorce can bring out the best in people, too.
I wonder now what the cynics were afraid of. Was it guilt over trivializing their own failed marriages? Inability to confront the undeniable -- and painful -- truth about how divorce had negatively affected their children? Perhaps some were domestic violence victims who misunderstood me -- I'm certainly not against divorce in those cases. I'll bet, too, though, that more than a few responders had never walked in divorce shoes.
But they will. Roughly 40-50% of married couples will one day be pulled into the vortex of no-fault divorce, if they haven't been already. For many, it will be unforeseen, against their will, and whether they like it or not. Many will be innocent offenders. Stay-at-home moms will be among the hardest hit.
I logged onto my friend's computer again when I returned from the beach that day. It was hard at times to read between the lines, but some critics and fans seemed to share common ground about at least one thing -- we've made a shambles of the state of marriage in our culture.
And research shows allowing rampant divorce hasn't solved the problem. I'd thought maybe sharing ideas could help us come up with solutions to ensure less of them, and that writing the article might set the ball rolling.
For years, New York was poised on the precipice of enacting no-fault divorce, and defeat of the recent bill, which was hotly contested, might well have started the pendulum swinging on our country's grand divorce experiment gone bad. Instead, New York lost its toe-hold and, with it, its dignity.
But I got one thing wrong in my article. I was disheartened at the time and thought that with the eradication of fault-based divorce in America, standing up for marriage and family was surely now an impossible dream. I couldn't have been more mistaken.
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Breach of contract is a tort and should be treated as such. The party that dishonors their obligation should bear accountability and suffer the consequences.
Parental Rights are a "fundemental liberty interest", Troxel v. Granville, 530, U.S. 57 (2000).
"Though marriage ostensibly falls under civil law, the logic quickly extended into the criminal. The "automatic outcome" expanded into what effectively became a presumption of guilt against the involuntarily divorced spouse (the defendant).
Yet the due process protections of formal criminal proceedings did not apply, so involuntary divorcees could become criminals without any action on their part and in ways they were powerless to avoid. In some jurisdictions, a divorce defendant is the only party in the courtroom without legal immunity.
Contrary to the assumptions of "change the culture" thinking, these laws were not enacted in response to public demand: No popular clamor to dispense with divorce restrictions preceded their passage; no public outrage at any perceived injustice provided the impetus; no public debate was ever held in the media.
Legislators "were not responding to widespread public pressure but rather acceding to the well-orchestrated lobbying of a few activists," writes Christensen. "Eclipsed in the media…by other issues -- such as civil rights, Vietnam, Watergate, and abortion" -- the new laws rapidly swept the nation "with little publicity and no mass support." http://www.stephenbaskerville.net/no_blame_game.htm
Simply put, no fault divorce creates an atmosphere of criminality around the non-custodial parent through "no fault" of his own, virtually destroying his relationship with his children, and putting children at risk to most of societal malpractices.
Don't get married. Worked for me so far.
Now that I have been divorced (ecstatic; oh joy, oh FREEDOM!) I just don't know why divorce was ever a nono where I grew up. Why oh why did those barbarians feel that easy betrayal (oops, I meant passionate search for freedom!) should be frowned upon by families, neighbors, and by society at large? Those backward folk should learn from our most enlightened culture that betraying your partner (oops, I meant nobly seeking your happiness from an unhappy marriage) is a glorious thing! I mean...how wonderful a divorce is! What joy it brings! How beautifully it cements the relationships our children will form in the future!
Americans truly value marriage (until it becomes righteously inconvenient for freedom-loving natures to accept), and that can be seen in the fact that, though 40% of all marriages might end up in sacred freedom for all, Americans spend the equivalent of a downpayment on a house for their marriage receptions. Surely, that money spent on canapes shows Americans are romantics at heart, so long as it's convenient to be so, no?
There is a reason, you know, why most other nations on earth look upon this country with utter contempt.
The fact that someone needs to have grounds for divorce has absolutely nothing to do with custody, child/spousal support, or property division. It is a totally pointless exercise in which nobody but the attorneys come out on top, and it delays substantive settlement discussions.
In nine years of working for that divorce attorney, I never once saw a divorce not granted. Every client we had either got their divorce or had to give up because they ran out of money. Most clients settled, and a few went to trial, but if they didn't run out of money, they got a divorce, whether they wanted one or not.
I don't know if you are a parent and this is my opinion based on being a parent. My peace and contentment comes from knowing I've lived in a way that has promoted peace and contentment for my children. That is neither forced or done out of stubbornness, it is done out of love.
I'm a realist, not into new age, be happy at the sake of all others crap. I became a realist when I became a parents and realized that my child's needs and happiness came before my own. My children have taught me that putting others before myself is the answer to finding true peace and contentment...for me anyway.
These statistics / studies are disheartening and an indisputable fact:
http://fatherhood.about.com/od/fathersrights/a/fatherless_children.htm
Or am I wrong in thinking that?
Reflect on your day-to-day life, the effect on your children and yourself for the better.
Talk to family members, friends, clergy, your counselor, or someone else whose judgment you respect, about your decision to start a divorce proceeding.
Research the names of lawyers in your area who are experienced, organized, tough, compassionate, and recognized in independent reference sources.
Prepare for your first conference with the attorney by listing all questions you have and all fables you have heard from others. There is no such thing as a “stupid question.”
Take a friend or family member with you to your first conference so that he or she can take notes while you concentrate on the answers to your questions.
Have your attorney clearly define his or her role, your role, the strategy he or she intends to follow on your case, and any plans to modify the strategy as the case evolves.
Prepare, prepare, and prepare! Trace your premarital assets, establish your standard of living, organize financial records, and do your “homework.”
If you blink, you lose. The lawyers still get paid. Be ready from Day One to settle or go to trial, using the dual-track strategy.
After the divorce, follow up to make sure you receive everything you’re entitled to as determined by your agreement or, in the absence of an agreement, by the judge.
Resolve to maintain your independence.
It helps tremendously if the goal is to avoid or radically reduce any emotional responsibility. Humans will always avoid pain if offered the opportunity.
The fact is, there are cruel spouses and abusive marriages. But there are also cheating spouses and the devastated families they leave behind. The desperate way in which so many people jump to defend the right to "walk out" without anything resembling an apology or an explanation tells me that there are many who desperately want to avoid, hide, or deny emotional responsibility.
Irrespective of whether they are running from an abusive spouse or running from the responsibility of having cheated on an innocent one, it certainly looks like the popularity of NF divorce arises largely from our "me-first" culture of emotional unaccountability.
i am a child of divorce. my mother delayed her divorce for religious reasons and the sake of her kids...and now we (adult kids) both feel super guilty and bad she did not live a better life because of the sacrifice she made for us. We both wish she had done it sooner for everyone's sake. She deserved better....and so did we...any issues i had i have dealt with and moved on to adulthood and do not blame my parents divorce for anything...
i am now in my own situation where my husband cheated and mistreated me in many ways (no abuse) ....we have both tried to work on it for years but have to accept that fact that its over....we cannot keep living this way....quietly desperate while our kids witness it...we deserve better and so do they....
we are separated but trying to spend time together with the kids and enjoy eachother's company. after all there is still love there it is just now different ....