Cheney to Undergo Waterboarding

05/19/2011 05:38 pm ET | Updated Jul 19, 2011
  • Bill Allen Retired Editor-in-Chief of 'National Geographic'

Former Vice-President Dick Cheney will undergo waterboarding at the conclusion of his scheduled fishing trip in Montana this weekend. A spokesman for Cheney noted Thursday from an undisclosed location that Mr. Cheney has requested the waterboarding session to squelch rumors that he consistently overstated the success of his previous fishing trips on the Snake River in Montana.

Cheney, who is known as an ardent hunter and fisherman stated, "I'm tired of every liberal, socialist, pantywaist Democrat questioning the size of the trout I landed. This should shut them up. Waterboarding isn't torture and never fails to lead to the truth."

Experienced interrogators from the FBI, CIA and every branch of the military unanimously dismissed Cheney's conclusion as nonsense. FBI terrorism consultant Michael McKinney noted that the person subjected to waterboarding gives inaccurate and misleading information that actually delays finding the truth. "None of us would ever buy a used car based on what we might learn from waterboarding the salesman," stated McKinney.

Doctors expressed concern for Cheney's health if he should undergo the procedure. Dr. Norman Feldstein of the Narov Clinic in Mineola, Texas, stated, "Mr. Cheney has undergone six heart attacks and is a candidate for a heart transplant. We definitely recommend against his proposed waterboarding."

A former hunting companion of Mr. Cheney's refused to confirm that he would take part in it in any way or whether he would even be present for the session.

Cheney dismisses all objections and remains adamant about proceeding, contending the concerns are overblown. "The dangers of waterboarding are grossly overstated. As I have said, it's not torture, and I just want everyone to know that when I say that I caught a 24-inch trout, that it wasn't some puny 13-incher."