06/14/2010 02:29 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Gulf Oil Spill Damage Reaches South Africa

Damage from the massive Gulf of Mexico oil spill due to the explosion and collapse of a BP oil platform has reached the World Cup in South Africa. Sources on both sides of the Atlantic confirm that British Prime Minister David Cameron ordered England's soccer team ("football side" to the English) not to defeat the U.S. team in its opening round match in World Cup play.

A high-ranking White House official confirmed that President Obama had pressed the Prime Minister for a U.S. victory as a partial payback for the devastating damages caused by the British company. The Prime Minister adamantly refused, noting that the humiliation suffered in 1950 when the U.S. defeated England in World Cup play "...still pains all England as if it were an exposed nerve in a front tooth."

A source at 10 Downing Street explained that since pension funds hold large amounts of BP stock, pensioners could suffer if the stock price and earnings of BP decline. Despite that, the same source explained, "The psychic damage done by another inexplicable loss to the Yanks would crush the life out of every pub in England and be far worse than the loss of a few pounds out of a household budget."

Faced with intractable opposition, President Obama agreed that a one-to-one tie would be an acceptable compromise at this point. The Prime Minister's note to the team ordering the resulting tie ended simply, "England expects every man to do his duty."

The White House confirmed that the meeting in Washington between the President and the Prime Minister was scheduled for Tuesday at the request of the Prime Minister so that he could avoid appearing in the House of Commons for the Wednesday question time when he could have faced intense condemnation for the agreement.