Neoconium: The Perils of Politically Radioactive Poisoning

12/11/2006 06:43 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

It once was a baffling mystery why so many government officials and pundits
were quick to rubberstamp Bush's foolish decision to head off to war in Iraq
and bankrupt the nation with ill-advised tax cuts.

Now political scientists have the answer. They've discovered that those
who've had close personal contact with Bush, Rove or Cheney received a
lethal dose of the politically radioactive isotope known as neoconium-2000.

Unlike polonium-210 which causes quick, painful death as evidenced by the
fatal poisoning of ex-Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko in London, the effect
of neoconium-2000 is more long-lasting, and instead of physical death what
usually happens is career death.

How else to explain the sad, pitiful exit of Colin Powell or Donald Rumsfeld
from the corridors of power. Wolfowitz, who jumped ship to the World Bank
somehow escaped the taint of career poisoning because he had long ago built
up an immunity. (It's like homeopathy.)

Others like Richard Perle and Francis Fukuyama have battled against the
perils of neoconium poisoning with a series of public mea culpas that
while repudiating prior views regarding regime change and muscular foreign
policy have failed to fully eradicate the lethal toxin from their bodies.
Their weakened ideological immune system still demands constant monitoring
by outside experts.

Neoconium first spread by direct human contact in political bath houses like
The American Enterprise Institute and The Heritage Foundation in the early
80s. During the Reagan era, it propagated and mutated to more severe
strains. In the late 90s, it spread by airborne delivery via right-wing talk

Is there a cure for neoconium? Or are those who suffer from this modern
affliction forced to spend their remaining days in denial and moral
blindness? It's not as if the offices at the Weekly Standard can be

It's much too late for the Decider-in-Chief and his Veep to take an
antidote. Neoconium has metasized inside their system. It's impaired their
judgment. No wonder they feel increasingly paranoid and isolated. The
disease now carries a stigma.

Despite the exhortations and ministrations of third-party experts like
James Baker, the White House will continue to see its political strength
dissipate right through 2008. Meanwhile, the Oval Office remains politically
radioactive. Truth be told, it's filled with weakened alpha males shooting
off errant alpha particles into the body politic.