The above almost reads like an Onion headline. Almost. During this past Wednesday morning, a squirrel ran inside a San Jose elementary school and, according to the San Francisco Chronicle, "went on the attack, bloodying an 11-year-old girl and a parent in a slashing, biting assault and injuring a second grown-up before making its escape."
The attack occurred as the first-graders were preparing to go on a field trip. As a safety precaution, the school went into a lockdown. (Perhaps understandable after Virginia Tech, but still...)
I wish I were making this all up. I'm not. Truth is always stranger than fiction. The squirrel story became big news for a day or two in the Bay Area. The incident even led the evening news on several local television stations. One would think that the FBI had just uncovered another terror plot like the one exposed earlier in the week in which a homicidal group of Al-Qaeda wanna-bes planned to go on a killing spree at the Fort Dix army base in New Jersey.
Unlike the captured Dix Six, it's uncertain whether the squirrel was a jihadi. And who knows, but except for hiberation, could this squirrel have belonged to a sleeper cell of likeminded animals?
Local authorities in San Jose, according to the Chronicle, "acknowledged that even if a squirrel is caught, it will be hard to verify whether it's the right critter." You hear that America? That rambunctious squirrel out by your backyard bird feeder just might be a terror squirrel? Don't you want to keep your children out of harm's way?
In order to play it safe, maybe all squirrels should be nabbed, quarantined, or even locked away forever as enemy combatants. In post 9/11 America, we can't afford to take chances with crazy, dangerous squirrels running around and causing harm to innocent people.
Is Homeland Security doing anything about this growing threat to civilians? And shouldn't TSA authorities now insist that airline passengers will be restricted to no more than one carry-on acorn?
Bill Katovsky is also the editor of Politixxx.com which debuted in March.
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