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Entries by Bill Maher

New Rule: Conservatives Who Love to Brag About American Exceptionalism Must Come Here to California

(5225) Comments | Posted September 27, 2013 | 9:00 AM

New Rule: Conservatives who love to brag about American exceptionalism must come here to California, and see it in person. And then they should be afraid -- very afraid. Because while the rest of the country is beset by stories of right-wing takeovers in places like North Carolina, Texas and...

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Donnie Dorko

(810) Comments | Posted February 9, 2013 | 12:34 PM

New Rule: Now that he's suing me for five million dollars because he says he's proved that he is not the love child of an orangutan, Donald Trump must learn two things: What a joke is, and what a contract is.

Now, let me catch you up on how all...

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Won Direction

(2184) Comments | Posted November 21, 2012 | 8:05 PM

Cross-posted on HBO's Real Time With Bill Maher site.

New Rule: Now that he's been reelected, President Obama must get back at all those right wing hacks who tried to paint him as an angry black man pushing a liberal agenda by becoming an angry black man who's...

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My New Rule for Todd Akin and the Republican Party

(4973) Comments | Posted August 24, 2012 | 9:40 AM

New Rule: If your entire party tries to get rid of you, and you stay in, you can't talk about how easy it is for a woman to push a stupid prick out of her body.

I don't want to waste another second thinking about Todd Akin, and his...

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Celebrating 20 Years of Free the Animals

(415) Comments | Posted April 30, 2012 | 2:30 PM

Congratulations to PETA President Ingrid E. Newkirk on the new release of her radicalizing book Free the Animals.

For those of you who didn't read the book when it first came out 20 years ago, Free the Animals is written like a novel you might take to...

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L'avantage d'avoir été pauvre

(39) Comments | Posted March 2, 2012 | 12:00 AM

Si vous avez grandi aux États-Unis, il est probable que vous aimiez l'argent. Le plus vieux souvenir dont je peux me rappeler est celui d'avoir été puni pour avoir subtilisé un billet de cinq dollars qui traînait sur la commode de mon père. J'étais si jeune que mes notions du...

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The Great Thing About Having Been Poor

(1649) Comments | Posted March 1, 2012 | 12:00 AM

If you grow up in America, it's pretty rare if you don't love money. One of the first things I ever remember being punished for was stealing money. Five dollars, off my father's dresser. I was so little, I don't think I even knew it was wrong to take something...

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Republican Debate Review

(3697) Comments | Posted February 23, 2012 | 7:55 AM

The Republicans sure have the right symbol with the elephant. Republican debates are nothing but elephants in the room.

The biggest of which must be: to someone out there who's hurting, they spend the whole two hours yammering away about earmarks and illegal immigrants and contraception and every other peripheral,...

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TV: A Box Full of Good Memories

(325) Comments | Posted December 14, 2011 | 12:00 AM

On the inevitable occasion of the Huffington Post's entrée into television, it behooves me to say a few words about the business, and occasional art, of television. Because if HuffPost's getting into TV, really, how much longer before Arianna takes that over and I'm working for her full-time? Five years?...

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On Being Over 50

(1285) Comments | Posted October 3, 2011 | 1:00 AM

I almost cried the other night when Arianna mentioned that HuffPost was launching Huff/Post50, and did I have any thoughts about being over 50...

Any? Unfortunately, I have nothing but thoughts about being over 50.

I remember seeing Alan King in Atlantic City in the '80s (when I was a...

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New Rule: Americans Must Realize What Makes NFL Football So Great: Socialism

(2188) Comments | Posted January 28, 2011 | 5:45 PM

New Rule: With the Super Bowl only a week away, Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, for all the F-15 flyovers and flag waving, football is our most successful sport because the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives it to the...

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New Rule: Christine O'Donnell Has to Stop Saying "I'm You" in Her Campaign Ads

(725) Comments | Posted October 22, 2010 | 7:54 PM

New Rule: Christine O'Donnell has to stop saying, "I'm you" in her campaign ads. It doesn't get truer the more you say it. Because it's not a spell. And also because a recent poll by Harvard confirms that my views are actually more aligned with America's views than are Christine's...

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New Rule: If a Woman Rejects Your First Dozen Advances, Don't Send Her a Picture of Your Penis

(1069) Comments | Posted October 15, 2010 | 6:46 PM

New Rule: If a woman rejects your first dozen advances, don't up the ante by sending her a picture of your penis. This week, we found out that Vikings quarterback Brett Favre allegedly tried to get with a young woman by sending her MySpace messages, voicemails, and notes through a...

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New Rule: Rich People Who Complain About Being Vilified Should Be Vilified

(3726) Comments | Posted September 24, 2010 | 9:50 AM

New Rule: The next rich person who publicly complains about being vilified by the Obama administration must be publicly vilified by the Obama administration. It's so hard for one person to tell another person what constitutes being "rich", or what tax rate is "too much." But I've done some math...

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New Rule: Nurse Tacky

(245) Comments | Posted June 15, 2010 | 4:21 PM

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New Rule: Al Gore Must Come Out With a Sequel to His Film and Call It An Inconvenient Truth 2: What the F*ck Is Wrong With You People?

(3556) Comments | Posted June 4, 2010 | 6:30 PM

New Rule: Al Gore must come out with a sequel to his movie about climate change and call it, An Inconvenient Truth 2: What the Fuck Is Wrong with You People? A bunch of depressing new surveys reveal that people in droves are starting to believe that global warming is...

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New Rule: Politicians Must Be Informed of Their Rights: "Everything You Say Can and Will Be Used Against You in a Google Search"

(425) Comments | Posted May 28, 2010 | 5:10 PM

New Rule: Before running for office, politicians must be informed of their rights: that "Everything you say can and will be used against you in a Google search." Now, of course, we all embellish our resumes a little. In college, I described my job of pot dealer as "regional sales...

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New Rule: Girls Gone Riled

(40) Comments | Posted May 25, 2010 | 3:24 PM

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New Rule: The Republican Leadership in America Must Produce Their Birth Certificates

(2072) Comments | Posted May 21, 2010 | 5:55 PM

New Rule: The Republican leadership in America must produce their birth certificates! Not because I doubt they're Americans, I just want to make sure they're not eight-years-old. I mention this because a major talking point on Fox News and hate radio these days is that, after a year and a...

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New Rule: Jersey Snore (VIDEO)

(161) Comments | Posted May 18, 2010 | 4:52 PM

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