New Rule: Now that he's suing me for five million dollars because he says he's proved that he is not the love child of an orangutan, Donald Trump must learn two things: What a joke is, and what a contract is.
Now, let me catch you up on how all this got started: during the last week of the presidential campaign last year, Donald Trump, who previously had been a one issue candidate obsessed with Obama's birth certificate, announced that he would give five million dollars to charity if Obama produced his college records -- because a black guy getting into college? Something fishy there.
So, playing on the fact that the only other thing in nature with the same color hair as Trump's is the orange haired orangutan, I joked that Donald Trump needed to show me his papers to prove he wasn't hiding a bad secret about his birth -- this is known as "parody," and it's a form of something we in the comedy business call a "joke." Naturally, I also aped, if you will, Trump's offer of money to a charity of his choosing, which I identified as the Hair Club for Men. This upset the Donald so much they could barely get him to stop flinging his feces.
Now, public figures of course don't always like everything that's said about them, but that's how we roll here in America -- just like we're the gun country, we're the joke country; we love our free speech, and we love celebrities getting taken down a peg, so Don should just suck it up like everyone else does.
But not Trump -- his lawyer Scott Balber sent me a letter -- I shit you not this is real -- that says:
"Attached hereto is a copy of Mr. Trump's birth certificate, demonstrating that he is the son of Fred Trump, and not an orangutan."
Do these morons even know it's impossible for people and apes to produce offspring?
So, I ignored the letter like I ignore all letters I get from crazy people, and I forgot about the whole thing until this week, when Trump and his lawyer actually sued me for the five million -- and don't forget, this is not a libel case. They seem to be trying to set a bold new precedent that jokes on late night talk shows are now legally binding agreements between the comedian and the person they're making fun of. Yeah, I'm sure this'll go all the way to the Supreme Court.
The legal system in this country is not a joke -- it's not a toy for rich idiots to play with. And frankly, what they released raises more questions than it answers -- at least it does to a growing chorus of patriotic Americans who call ourselves "Apers" and we're just asking questions!
Questions like -- well, what they put out: It's the short form "Certification of Live Birth," not a birth certificate. It was clearly made on a dot-matrix computer printer and includes a scannable bar code, two technologies that were hardly around in 1946. Where's the original, long-form certificate? Because a short-form copy of a birth certificate unsigned by an attending physician isn't proof of anything. You know who I learned that from?
I learned that from Donald "But I'm White" Trump, who wouldn't accept the exact same document from the president.
But remember who we're dealing with here: a man who, for a little extra publicity, will happily keep alive a debate over whether his family reunions are held at the zoo.