The Official All-Jacko 24-Hour Cable Channel Girds Its Loins

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

You can hear the salivating over at Headline News, the tabloid cable channel that's about to become All-Jacko, All the Time, if it hasn't already.

The same folks who gave us well-dressed humanoid Robin Meade have truly hit paydirt this time. The network needed a new story to obsess over. The champagne corks are popping at HLN.

So forget Natalee Holloway, the pom-pom girl/coed whose disappearance has been milked for months on the downmarket cable channel Ted Turner probably wishes he'd never started.

And forget poor little Caylee Anthony and her skull-fixated Mom, a murder case whose every detail has been an obsession on "Head" Line News for months.

This is the golden age of TV pandering, and Michael Jackson's death is pure gold, as the past week's appalling, bloated-like-a-poison-toad paroxysm of Jacko overcoverage has demonstrated beyond doubt.

This past weekend's insta-panderers like CNN, MSNBC, and Fixed News will be forced to return soon to covering actual news like health care, Iran, global warming, and yes, The Amazing Disappearing Governor. (Bo-ring!).

But not Headline News, which was doing "Special Reports" on the singer's unexpected croaking within minutes of the 911 call.

As the hack comic famously told Seinfeld, "It's gold, Jerry, gold!"

The possible angles on the Jacko-death story boggle the mind; they're more than enough to last Nancy "Lacking" Grace, Jane Velez Mitchell, and the rest of the HLN Fun Bunch at least through Christmas -- and probably well beyond.

The HLN assignment desk has more action than Vegas right now.

Michael's chimp. The hyperbaric chamber. The drugs. The obscene shopping sprees and disastrous finances. The loutish father. The exhibitionistic sister. The dangling baby. The molestation trials and payoffs. The plaintiffs' lawyers. The drugs. The Liberace-like addiction to cosmetic surgeries. The nanny. The biological mothers of Jacko's alleged kids, whomever they are. Elvis' spawn, the ex-wife (Bonus!) .

Long after the absurd, mawkish and self-serving tributes to the arguably talented singer/dancer are (blessedly) done, there will certainly come the extended slimefest. And it won't be half as pretty as Michael.

It also won't just be on HLN, of course. But if you want the latest dirt, that's where you'll go first. Maybe Headline News will incorporate The Gloved One into its on-screen "bug"/logo.

The mother lode of sensational stories to come, I'm guessing, will center around the autopsy (autopsies?) and Michael's Grenada-educated physician. (Is there a possible Natalee tie-in?). We're spitballing here. But, leaden as it may seem to me, it's gold to others.

HLN has a big advantage over the National Enquirer et al - the Perspirer and all the tabs aren't on the air 24 hours a day, like the TV is. This beast must be fed - and will be, even if it's empty calories.

Elvis and Jackson fans are largely the same commodities, er, people. And Headline News' account execs know who you are -- and more important, what you buy.

At Headline News, it's a no-brainer - in so many ways.

Follow Bill Mann on Twitter: www.twitter.com/newsmann

Comments

[CanisLatrans]

02:53 PM on 07/01/2009

Only Headline News? I was under the impression that everything had become "the Michael Jackson show" the last few days. PBS? Check. NBC? Check. CNN? Double check. I've learned that when people like Jackson, Anna Nichole Smith, et al, die, it's best to just turn the TV off for a week (or dig out a favorite DVD TV series --currentl­y, "Stargate SG-1" is seeing me through this crisis) until it blows over because there's nothing you can do to escape the celebrity-­obsessed drool.

Maybe I should make a tearful YouTube video? "Leave Michael aloooone!" (sniffle, boohoo!)

[Kevvboy]

12:50 PM on 07/01/2009

Bill, you're wrong on several counts. First off, Natalee disappeare­d in Aruba, not Grenada, and Dr. Conrad Murray was only born in Grenada, grew up in Trinidad, and was educated at Meharry Medical College in Nashville, Tennessee.

If you're wrong about all this - and these are just a few off the top of my head - I imagine most of your other fervent declaratio­ns are wrong, too.

[copestir]

10:57 AM on 07/01/2009

Michael Jackson was all about Michael Jackson. The Jackson family was about the Jackson family. They have a rather extensive PR machine that feeds the headlines. Michael Jackson is a star because his machine says so. All we have to do to stop this is stop listening. Can we enjoy his music without all the" song and dance routines" fed to us by his own PR?

[Badger84]

01:29 AM on 07/01/2009

But Bill, there is nothing else happening in the world that merits the public's attention.

[slaxx]

09:57 PM on 06/30/2009

neh, greta van sustren will be all over this. i've only flipped by HLN but it looks like they never have any good or very knowledgab­le on that channel.

i also think that the hailing of michael as some kind of civil rights hero ala al sharpton is quite ridiculous­.

[aaronr2000]

05:52 PM on 06/30/2009

"Clearly South Carolina's governor Mark Sandford's biggest mistake wasn't cheating on his wife, it was admitting it one day too soon" - Stephen Colbert

[raker]

10:10 AM on 06/30/2009

Michael Jackson overkill isn't strictly a cable news phenomenon­. Cable news is unwatchabl­e no matter what junk they're sensationa­lizing to fill their turgid day. There are idiotic Jackson stories all over TV land. The normally barely tolerable Toady Show has gone around the bend with Matt and Meredith putting on their serious newsperson voices to pretend they're honoring his talent but are really capitalizi­ng on the icky dead pop star and his icky family and icky parents and the assorted piles of ick that were his life. This could go on for years.

Why do so many people treat cable news like church, a daily obligation they must fulfill even though it's clear that it does more harm than good. Stop watching. I quit long ago and it feels great.

[newsmann]

11:08 AM on 06/30/2009

"Toady Show" -- nice turn of phrase! Can't believe I hadn't heard that one.

[raker]

12:29 PM on 06/30/2009

I was here at Huffpo ranting about Matt Lauer's interview with Ann Coulter, the one where she said the 9/11 widows are a bunch of greedy harpies who are glad their husbands died. Lauer chuckled and told Coulter she's always "fun." She didn't sound like fun to me. The letters just seemed to jump into place on their own: The Toady Show.

[RBN]

12:16 AM on 06/30/2009

I agree with Jon Stewart tonight when he aptly pointed out that we should show some respect and stop calling him "Jacko".

[Northreader]

11:23 PM on 06/29/2009

I made a quick pass tonight by Nancy Grace on HLN on my way to BBC World News. But I must admit I watched Larry King on regular CNN earlier with Miko Brando and John Landis. And I've read the Huf Post story on Rowe not wanting the kids more than once. Now I read the London concerts promoter recorded Jackson's rehearsals and has a wealth of recent material. I guess we should all throw up our hands and surrender. This is part James Dean, part Monroe and part Presley and none of us are above or can escape it.

[eleanorhawking]

11:37 PM on 06/29/2009

I personally find the reactions of various people to the news of his passing more telling, and more mind-blowi­ng than the sordid details of his sad, wasted life. Absolutely amazing.

[Josh Popichak]

08:03 PM on 06/29/2009

Not everybody wants to hear about politics, economics (ie. money), world news, or the generally grim prognostic­ations for all of the above, 24/7. A lot of people just want to be able to "escape" by tuning into some entertainm­ent news, and so I don't think there's anything wrong with having a channel like HLN, even though I'll admit that it does get a little salacious at times. Nancy Grace gets on my nerves, but I actually like Jane Velez-Mitc­hell. She's a smart cookie, and she's able to be succinct. She's got a legal background­, and her insight into various stories has really helped me understand them better, and think about them more comprehens­ively. I guess to make a long story short, yes, it's sad that HLN is going to milk the Jacko death story forever and ever, but they're really only offering a certain group of people what it's been PROVEN those people want: escapist TV.

[SaltySaltillo]

06:21 PM on 06/30/2009

What!?!? If you want escape, how about NOT turning on the news! OR how about turning on the E! channel. News is for news.

[Melissa]

04:54 AM on 07/02/2009

I finally turned off the "Jackson News" and watched the whole first season of "Mad Man".
I will return to the news as soon as the funeral is over. As far as HLN, Nancy Grace and her ilk, this will go on for the next year unless of course, another really big muurder happens.

[KCC1]

08:54 PM on 06/30/2009

I liked HLN a lot better when it was Headline News and just carried the news. It was someplace you could go and get the news of the day.

[DonTampa58]

06:46 PM on 06/29/2009

The only good thing to come out of this is that I didn't hear Fix Noise trying to make this Obama's fault too. Maybe I missed that part.

[mdacmac]

04:32 PM on 06/29/2009

As a fan of Michael Jackson I'm hurt by this blog. Though I understand the frustratio­n of not getting, over the last few days, ample domestic and internatio­nal political and economic news, I also know that the greatness of this man requires this sort of coverage. I'm watching and listening to more BBC than ever b/c they manage news differentl­y than we do in the US.

That being said I think Mann's comments are mean-spiri­ted, unkind, inhumane and callous! And by the way...what have you done lately? You sound to be a tired, old has-been and the mere idea of someone -- anyone -- achieving so much in such a short time -- just set you off! Get over it. You don't have the "it" factor MICHAEL JACKSON did!

Damn it man...MJ has given over 300 million to humanitari­an causes...d­oesn't that tell you something?

[salamfall]

04:42 PM on 06/29/2009

Thank u Sir!.

[littlepuffycloud]

05:27 PM on 06/29/2009

I think Mann's comments are aimed at the media, not Michael Jackson. His fans have loved him since he sang 'ABC'..the media rode his wave of immense popularity but loved ripping him to shreds even more. I don't know whether Michael was guilty of abusing kids; I do know he was a tormented tortured musical genius who left the world with the greatest legacy of all. His music. His dancing. RIP Michael.

[BeachBubbaTex]

06:40 PM on 06/29/2009

Agreed. Common problem with many of these MJ posters. My indifferen­ce to the ridiculous coverage of this man's untimely death has nothing to do with my respect for his talent or contributi­ons to pop culture.

[kittyonice]

07:13 PM on 06/29/2009

Mann called Jackson "arguably talented", which makes pretty clear to me that this man isn't qualified to discuss Michael Jackson in any context. Clearly he doesn't understand music, entertainm­ent, or artistry if he can only refer to Michael's genius as "arguable"­. If this article is about the MEDIA (which I doubt, again, based on how he refers to this brilliant man), why didn't he attempt to portray the artist as the person who he was, who attracted loving admirers simply by singing his songs and moving his body to the music -- something ANYBODY can do, but NOBODY has ever, nor ever will, do it like MJ did. Very cynical blog that doesn't give the man the credit he deserves, regardless of what Mann intended it to be.

[salamfall]

03:47 PM on 06/29/2009

those who are starting to get tired of the coverage of MJ in the media, I have one word, "you aint seen nothing yet!" . I have been living in the US for the past 15 years and was surprised at how much attention was only given to negative stuff about him, because abroad, Michael is LEGEND, I mean HUGE!.
And get used to him being praised, because he will become bigger than Elvis/ and the beattles combined. the next few years will confirm what I am saying, I only hope that a good manager handles his estate and pays back what he owes. Yesterday I was watching a tribute to him with my son (7 y/o) he started crying, I have never ssen my son cry because of anything sad or happy he watched on TV.
I was a bit surprised but not that much, because MJ has entertaine­d us all at any given time of our lives, and has donated 300million dollars to charities, and is on the guiness world record for the most charitable pop-artist­s. He deserves every bit of a good coverage he gets, because the media has destroyed this man, and never forget he was nevr found guilty of anything!. The media and tabloids cant be the new courts or justice system, it has got to stop.

[cgracec]

06:15 PM on 06/29/2009

Good comment. I can't agree more. I like seeing the special Michael tributes, but I hate how virtually NONE of them talk about his amazing humanitari­an spirit and everything he did for his causes. I also hate the fact that the media are simply exploiting MIchael for their own gain. They have done this before, eviscerati­ng him over and over again. They made tons of money off him during his trial, and now through his death, they are making more money off him. It's despicable­. I think this is why Michael didn't have his comeback concert in the US. You are right - abroad he is a freaking legend. At least he knew that people all over the world loved him.

[stevestrange]

05:50 PM on 06/30/2009

I agree, the American media decided to label Michael Jackson, public freakshow no.1, years ago. And alot of people made money in the demonizati­on of the man,...It became it's own cottage industry. I've already seen the likes of, Dianne Diamond, and Maureen Orth, on t.v. reminding people not to celebrate the mans impact on the world, without rememberin­g that he was a monster pedophile, and world-clas­s-weirdo, and Oh!,..You can read about it in the books they've written, and articles they've published,­...They'll probably revisit their contempt for the man again,..An­d GET PAID!, CHA-CHING!
In reality, I found alot of, M. Jackson's behavior weird as well,..Esp­ecially his appearance by the end of his life. As a Black-Amer­ican, it had a reek of self-loath­ing, and I totally understand peoples concerns over alleged pedophilia­, that's nothing to take lightly. But he was never convicted of anything, and I always found the american medias tone to be that he had. That was wrong.

[eleanorhawking]

03:18 PM on 06/29/2009

Thank you, thank you! The article was terrific and right on target.

[appacom]

02:54 PM on 06/29/2009

His name was not Jacko. Enough about the molestatio­n accusation­s. They came from the same evil as those who began to, and continue to call him Jacko. People of good heart always saw his purity of soul. People who are insecure writers always resort to snarkiness­.

[Bill Mann]

04:03 PM on 06/29/2009

What, pray tell, does calling him Jacko have to do with molestatio­n?

[eleanorhawking]

11:18 PM on 06/29/2009

Bill, for what it's worth, I loved your article, as I have said before. I've read pages and pages of comments lately, and no one wants to hear about the molestatio­n accusation­s, and in their eyes it's heresy even to bring it up. They don't believe it, they would never believe it. If they witnessed it with their own eyes, they would still excuse him for it. They only want to dwell on how he has influenced their lives - how they will never be the same. I read with absolute amazement that there have been at least 12 suicides as a result of Michael Jackson's death. I appreciate­d the music of the Jackson 5 when I was younger, and Michael's when he did Thriller. He was an entertaine­r, one of many. I, frankly, don't understand it. I have never been obsessed with a celebrity, and nothing a celebrity has ever done has either influenced my life, or changed it. I won't be one of those hanging on Headline News, or any other news outlet to get updates.

[SaltySaltillo]

06:52 PM on 06/30/2009

Jacko is not the nickname he embraced, used or went by. It is a disrespect­ful, crude nickname that was coined by tabloid journalist­s because it rhymed with "wacko" and so reinforced their sustained 20 year profit-dri­ven character assassinat­ion project (because Michael Jackson scandals sold copies of their magazines)­.