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Bill Matthews
Bill Matthews is a freelance writer living in Brooklyn and Editor in Chief of The Peoples News satire website. He’s written for Emerge,, and many now defunct publications and websites. In his spare time, he performs improv comedy, sometimes in front of an audience. For more on Bill, go to

Entries by Bill Matthews

NFL Allows Lions to Play With 12 Men

(0) Comments | Posted October 22, 2009 | 4:23 PM

(DETROIT) Following their 26-0 defeat at the hands of the Green Bay Packers, the Detroit Lions have been okayed by the NFL to play with an extra man on both offense and defense.

"With the extra man, we think the Lions might actually be competitive with other teams in the...

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NASA Joins Search For Kanye West's Mind

(0) Comments | Posted September 15, 2009 | 10:52 AM

(NEW YORK) Three years after it was first reported missing, the mind of Kanye West is the subject of an ever-increasing brainhunt.

This morning, NASA pledged use of the Hubble Telescope to see if it could locate the gray matter.

"If Kanye is allowed to remain mindless much longer, it...

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Two Years Before it's Discovered Usain Bolt Is Doping, He Sure Is Fun to Watch

(0) Comments | Posted August 31, 2009 | 4:40 PM

(MADRID) In a couple years, we'll find out he's been doping. But in the meantime, Usain Bolt gives us all something we can temporarily believe in.

"I'm really enjoying being a role model for kids, showing them what you can do and how the possibilities of life are limitless as...

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It's A Law: Everyone Must Carry A Gun

(2) Comments | Posted August 19, 2009 | 2:57 PM

(WASHINGTON D.C) Finally accepting that gun control is un-Constitutional, Congress convened a special session this morning to pass a measure requiring everyone to carry a gun at all times.

After seeing a dozen people in Phoenix carrying guns during a visit by President Obama--including a black man strapped with an...

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Bush Breaks Silence, Nation Wonders Why

(0) Comments | Posted June 18, 2009 | 12:03 PM

(ERIE, PA) Former President George W. Bush has been little heard from since leaving office, but the ex-Commander in Chief decided Wednesday it was time again to publicly not make sense.

"After eight years, everyone deserves my silence, but now it's time for the Bushmeister to be heard again," he...

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Brad and Angelina Set To Adopt Two More Black Children

(2) Comments | Posted June 11, 2009 | 12:40 PM

(HARLEM) In the race to keep their family more ethnically diverse than Madonna's, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have announced they're adopting two more children. And unlike with their other children, who they found overseas, this time, the Hollywood power couple simply went to Harlem and Chicago.

"Sure we've gathered...

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World Breathes Easier Now That Susan Boyle's Reign of Terror Ends

(6) Comments | Posted May 31, 2009 | 5:56 PM

(LONDON) There were celebrations around the world this weekend as Susan Boyle lost on Britain's Got Talent.

"I"ve never been so happy about news on someone who I care nothing for," said Ishmael Valdez of Mexico City. "Thank the gods she lost. I'd rather catch the swine flu than have...

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Baseball Suspends Everyone

(0) Comments | Posted May 7, 2009 | 1:51 PM

(NEW YORK) Just hours after slugger Manny Ramirez was suspended for using a banned substance, Major League Baseball said it will cease operations for 50 days after discovering that every single player was on steroids.

"It's unprecedented, but necessary for the good of the game," said baseball commissioner Bud Selig,...

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GOP Disarray All Part of Michael Steele's Master Plan

(2) Comments | Posted May 5, 2009 | 11:29 AM

(WASHINGTON D.C.) Arlen Specter defects to the Democrats. Americans thumb their noses at the Republican party. Barack Obama is more popular than ever.

And all the while GOP head Michael Steele strums his fingers together like a comic book villain. That's because the Republican disarray is the fruit of a...

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Robert Downey Jr. to Play Obama in Biopic

(1) Comments | Posted April 30, 2009 | 4:44 PM

(BROOKLYN) Fresh off an Oscar nomination for his comedic turn as a white man wearing black face in Tropic Thunder, Robert Downey Jr. will again cross racial barriers when he portrays Barack Obama in a star-studded movie.

"Playing the president is a challenge, but I know I can pull it...

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Nation of Islam Bars Members From Contracting Swine Flu

(2) Comments | Posted April 28, 2009 | 9:57 AM

(CHICAGO) Saying it must strictly adhere to the rule that no pig shall pass their lips--or enter their bloodstream--Nation of Islam leaders today told members they should not contract the swine flu.

The NOI prohibits members from eating pork because it considers the pig to be an 'unclean' animal. It...

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