(Marty Fleck is a self-help guru, the author of the international bestseller Where Can I Stow My Baggage? and the syndicated column "Baggage Handling." He is also the pseudonymous protagonist of Bill Scheft's new novel Everything Hurts. He has generously agreed to answer questions from readers of the Huffington Post every Wednesday and Friday.)
Dear Marty Fleck,
On behalf of my fellow inmates throughout the country, I don't appreciate the arrogance of those who laugh when they read Saddam Hussein's letters complaining about noise in prison. This is a real problem. It is cruel, inhuman, inhumane and causes severe sleep deprivation. I thought the US doesn't torture.
Debt Server, Kentucky
Dear "Debt Server,"
Marty Fleck cannot wait to tell all his readers -- "Hey, everybody. Michael Vick wrote me a letter!"
Michael, I appreciate your candor and eloquence. That said, on behalf of sports fans and animal lovers everywhere, let me say, "Stay....Stay....Stay....Good....Good....What did you do?....What did you do?" Cheap shot? Well, walk off 15 yards and replay the down.
In one paragraph, you used the words "cruel," "inhumane" and "torture." You've got quite a pair on you....still. We need to get you a conjugal visit with Bob Barker.
Saddam Hussein complaining about not being able to sleep in prison because of the noise? well, of course. It's a racket compared to the lullaby of bomb-raided Tikrit. Or the tranquil comfort of pulling the covers over your own spiderhole.
Look, I think we went a little too far with Saddam. Not the imprisonment, but the photographs in his underpants. Nice u-trou. What's the brand? Fallujah of the Loom? Or BVWMD?
The guy couldn't catch a break. He was heckled at his own hanging. Heckled. "Hey, nice noose.What happened? Couldn't guess your weight?" Say what you will, though. The boys at Halliburton can really build a no-bid gallows.
Michael, I wish you well. I hope you get some sleep. I hope they let you it back into the NFL. But mostly, I hope you have enough in your canteen account to buy a copy of my international bestseller, Where Can I Stow My Baggage? Especially, the chapter I just added, "Does My Baggage Contain An Electronic Ankle Bracelet that Repels Fleas and Ticks?"