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Bill Scheft

Bill Scheft

Posted: May 15, 2009 12:07 AM

Marty Fleck's Commencement Address


(Marty Fleck is a self-help guru, the author of the international bestseller Where Can I Stow My Baggage? and the syndicated column "Baggage Handling." He is also the pseudonymous protagonist of Bill Scheft's new novel Everything Hurts. Rather than answer questions from Huffington Post readers, he has generously agreed to publish the transcript of his remarks at yesterday's graduation ceremonies at the Leaning Annex.)

Students, faculty, trustees, nere-do-wells, sycophants, ass bandits and fellow charlatans....
It is an honor to be here. Of course, it would have been a bigger honor if I had been your first choice. Or your second. Or your fifth. But the President is only permitted to go to BCS schools, Hillary's at Yankee Stadium, Norman Mailer's dead, John Madden won't fly and you couldn't find a mortarboard to fit Keith Olbermann.

And while we're on the subject, best of luck to Mr. Kool- Milds-in-the-Soft -Pack at Notre Dame. Nice booking. You know it's hostile territory when the mosaic of Touchdown Jesus is retiled so he's now giving a Tyra Banks snap. So Obama's views on abortion gibe with that of a Catholic university. Is he any more out of place than the Pope in Israel ? By the way, I heard the Pope went down to the Western Wall, pulled a slip of paper out and waited for his number to be called. I'm just saying.

This is a rare public appearance for me. Ever since the publication of my international bestseller Where Can I Stow My Baggage?, I have purposely kept a low profile, preferring to travel through the less distracting, more indelible written word. That, and being considered a flight risk. But I came here today because I believe in the Learning Annex. I believe in any outfit that offers course credit for seminars like "Food Poisoning -- Nature's Diet," "Baby Talk Your Way Through an IRS Audit," and "Kabballah for Tone-Deaf Goyim."

This is a great time to be an American. And I wouldn't be saying that if I wasn't Simon Cowell wealthy and I hadn't misnumbered my pages. Hang on, hang on....Okay, here we are.... If I had to crystalize my philosophy for success and serenity into three points, which when you think of it is incredibly shortsighted because I have made Regis bucks dragging things out, but if I did, it would be very simple. 1) Expect nothing, 2) Blame no one, 3) Do something.

Let's examine each of these in depth. Point one: Expect nothing. This is crucial. Expectations are just resentments waiting to -- What? What is it, Landon? You have a chick? Oh, you have the check....

Will you look at the time.... Hey, you've been a dynamite crowd. Remember: Don't let your mind kill your body. It needs it for the transportation. Happy baggage!!!