Bush: Any Criminals in Leak to Be Fired (Some Exceptions May Apply)

President Bush today reiterated his pledge to immediately fire anyone in his administration found to have leaked the identity of an undercover CIA operative. He did, however, add some stipulations to his firm pronouncement.

In order for the firing to take place, Bush said it would need to be shown that an actual crime had taken place and that the act had been perpetrated while the leaker was hopping on one foot, simultaneously patting his head and rubbing his belly, and while he (or she) was listening to an iPod (specifically the special 20 gb U2 version and not the less expensive Mini or Shuffle models). The President went on to stipulate that the illegal act must have been committed on either a Monday or a Wednesday, unless the day in question fell during a week containing a national holiday, in which case the applicable days would switch to Tuesday or Thursday.

It could not be confirmed at press time whether Secretary's Day, Flag Day or the festival of Lag B'Omer would apply.

The President pounded the podium as he vowed to "hold firm" on his promise to fire the administration official, though he did say he would make an exception if the person in question looked him in the eye and said he was “really really sorry” or simply "appeared really really sorry."

Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlman called the President’s statements “forceful but fair”, then went on to refer to former ambassador Joe Wilson as a scurrilous liar and demanded that Democrats end their unjustified “smear campaign”. An unnamed source with close ties to the administration commented that he “really couldn’t agree more.”

Press Secretary Scott McClellan told reporters that the President’s remarks show that “nobody wants to get to the bottom of this more than he does.”

Moments after the press conference concluded, McClellan ran back to remind reporters that the President’s offer expires on August 31, 2005.

"The President wants justice to be done," McClellan said, "but he is a busy man."

The White House press secretary also said that the President retains the right to rescind his offer at any time and that no gift certificates, coupons or special passes will be accepted.