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Blake Henderson
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Blake Henderson is a comedy writer and what some believe to be an adult human. He's in the process of moving to LA from NYC and would like someone to hire him.

Entries by Blake Henderson

Making My Life Better

(0) Comments | Posted March 24, 2015 | 3:09 PM

I don't need a lot to be happy in this life. I mean, I already have so much. I'm surrounded by the love of family and friends. I'm in a creative career. I know I've got it good. And while I hate to always be wanting more, more, more, I...

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Ask an AriZona Beverage Co. Sales Guy

(0) Comments | Posted August 27, 2014 | 7:57 AM

Q. Hey Sales Guy, I'm in quite the jam. You see, my 12th wedding anniversary is coming up, but it's over the same weekend that my dude crew is planning a trip to Reno for our annual guys retreat. I know I should stick around for the anniversary, but I...

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America Is Number One, Always

(1) Comments | Posted July 3, 2014 | 8:42 AM

by PatriotLover_USA

Let me start off by saying that I don't really care for numbers. Never have. But there's one number that I know in my heart to be true: that America is number one. And you can tell I care about that because I used the word "one" twice...

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This Place Sucks

(0) Comments | Posted June 18, 2014 | 5:16 AM

By An American Teenager Vacationing in Europe with His Parents

I mean, what's all the hype around this place? I've been here for three weeks already and I can't wait to get back home. Nothing cool. It's all, look: old shitty buildings. Look: old shitty churches. Look:...

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Anthony Weiner Is the Right Hombre for the Job

(1) Comments | Posted September 10, 2013 | 5:19 PM

By Carlos Danger

Tough times and tough places call for tough leaders. And el Cuidad de New York is the toughest place around, so we need the toughest leader around. But what many senors and senoritas don't realize is that the toughest leader around has been busy on the campaign...

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8 Reasons I'm Glad There Are No Expanded Gun Background Checks

(1) Comments | Posted April 22, 2013 | 1:24 PM

With the media focusing on the Senate's failure to expand background checks for guns, I'm focusing on the bright side of this news.

I, for one, am truly relieved that Washington has once again failed to follow the wishes of the American people. I mean,...

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BREAKING: We Found the Pope's Letter of Resignation

(1) Comments | Posted February 28, 2013 | 1:05 PM

February 11, 2013

To Whom It May Concern,

This is my letter of resignation. To be honest, I really don't know about the whole protocol over retirement for a guy like me. It turns out I am the first quitter in about 700 years in this neck of the woods....

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A Very Serious Business Proposition for You

(0) Comments | Posted January 9, 2013 | 5:50 PM

Dear Sir/Madam,

I'm so glad you came.

To be honest, I didn't think you'd show as it was. But I think I have what you WANT and MORE. Check out this deal I prepared just for you - our most preferred client.

Click HERE <--------> for all the details....

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I Want Instagram to Use My Pics for Ads -- They're Great!

(2) Comments | Posted December 19, 2012 | 9:11 AM

I just can't understand why people are all in a tizzy about this whole Instagram privacy thing. I mean, it doesn't anger or surprise me at all that Instagram would want to use my pictures in ads.

They're really fucking good pictures.

I mean, really good.

If you...

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Thanksgiving "Comedy" With My Uncle Barry

(0) Comments | Posted November 20, 2012 | 10:36 AM

Every fourth Thursday of November my family, like most families, gets together to give thanks and eat an amazing meal. But, fortunately and unfortunately for you all, no one else has my Uncle Barry there to give his pre-dinner Thanksgiving "comedy" routine. But now that I have this platform I...

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My 15 Thoughts on the 2nd Presidential Debate

(2) Comments | Posted October 17, 2012 | 5:15 PM

1) Americans looked really good. Robust, overwhelmingly Caucasian, pearish, male, resigned, sated. We're now in post-America America, and our citizens are looking the part!

2) Candy Crowley moderated the debate. Asking the questions. Kickstarting dialogue. Setting the tone. And how serendipitous and American is it that someone with her first...

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Guy Talk: Stay Cool This Summer!

(0) Comments | Posted July 20, 2012 | 1:45 PM

Guy Talk is a new column just for you dudes out there. There are tons of articles floating around that cater to the ladies, but I'm putting an end to that! Read on, and learn the ways of being an awesome, chill male in the 21st century.

For the first...

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Letters From the Past: Regarding the Dead Frenchmen Inside the Statue of Liberty

(3) Comments | Posted July 6, 2012 | 3:57 PM

This latest installment in my brand new ongoing history project, America Wins!: Letters from the Past, is a letter I unearthed in the archives from retired General Elmer Schultz to President William Howard Taft on July 4, 1912. I, for one, was shocked at Schultz's tone towards a sitting president....

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You're the Sole Survivor at the End of the World. Do You Have What It Takes?

(4) Comments | Posted June 25, 2012 | 7:08 PM

Here's a hypothetical for you.

An asteroid collides with earth. The human race is all but extinct. All inventions, buildings and institutions are gone. Everything made by our society has disappeared. Poof. The only thing left is you. You have your memories of how things once were and know that...

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Transcript of My 'Lifetime Achievement Award in Judging Strangers' Acceptance Speech

(2) Comments | Posted June 18, 2012 | 5:50 PM

The following is the official transcript from an acceptance speech I gave to my girlfriend after she awarded me, Blake Henderson, the 'Blake Henderson Lifetime Achievement Award in Judging Strangers.' This came in the direct wake of an epic 14-minute Saturday morning stroll from Prince and Elizabeth to...

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I Can't Believe They Benched Me: A Monologue By Space Shuttle Enterprise

(2) Comments | Posted June 11, 2012 | 1:51 PM

I mean, what the fuck were those NASA dweebs thinking? I got those idiots their jobs, their free doctorates, their geeky-ass spouses, everything. I got them everything. Then they bench me. Send me to fucking retire on a boat on the Hudson. I mean, I'm going to be...

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