By Carlos Danger
Tough times and tough places call for tough leaders. And el Cuidad de New York is the toughest place around, so we need the toughest leader around. But what many senors and senoritas don't realize is that the toughest leader around has been busy on the campaign trail for months, in clear view, refusing to understand the word quit, no matter what things he did that should preclude him from ever again holding public oficina. What I'm trying to say is that this man's toughness is unmatched. He is the firmest muchacho I know.
So, it is with great pride that I write to you today on El Huffington Post and endorse my good friend Anthony Weiner to lead Nuevo York City.
I have known Antonio for what feels like my whole vida. We grew up together, ninos of Brooklyn. We were unlikely amigos, he Jewish, I Hispanic. But we connected on a level that few will ever know. And he became as close to me as my shadow -- and vice versa. We are so very close that we have even been known to finish each other's sentences at times. Like we're the same hombre, but not.
So close that I know deep down how much he wants to be mayor. It's almost like an irrational, disconnected obsession by someone who may have had a psychotic break at some point in the last few anos. But that is not Anthony. He is clear headed. He will win this primary and he will win this election. It doesn't matter that he is only polling at tres per cent. He has ideas. And he cares about issues. And he has ideas about the issues. Muy issues.
Did you see his 125 Keys to the City? ¡Magnifico! You try to come up with 125 ideas. You can't. I tried. I only got 70. But boy did I spend a long time on number 69, if you know what I mean? (I just winked and blew a kiss when I wrote that.) But Anthony is clearly a better man than I am - - maybe one of the most brilliant muchachos I have had the privilege of knowing. And I am not just saying that. I would take a bullet for him. Okay, maybe just a paintball pellet. But you get what I'm trying to say, right? Because let's be honest, if I took a bullet for him that would be bad news for the both of us.
Now I know Anthony gets a bad rap in the media -- and that is something I am no stranger to, either. Seriously unfunny outlets like The Daily Show had a field day with both of us over the summer. But I didn't really care because I don't really get British humor. Or is it humour? Either way, it's not funny, Juan Oliver. And the rest of the media are just personas who don't care about the great ideas that Anthony has. Remember that he has 125 ideas for the city! ¡Ciento veinti cinco! Are they good ideas? I don't know, I have not yet read them. But they are more ideas than anyone else! Chris Quinn maybe has like 60. And Bill de Blasio only has like 20. ¡Only veinte! And yet the media doesn't dwell on their sexual escapades like they do with my poor Antonio.
Beyond just a quantity of ideas, one of the things that impresses me so much about Anthony is how closely in touch he is with modern tecnologia. Texting, Tweeting, FaceTimeing, Snapchatting -- he is la expert in all of those mediums. And there are probably many, many more emerging tools that he uses that he hasn't even told me, his closest confidante, about yet! He is truly at the tip of the spear when it comes to this stuff! (I just winked when I wrote tip, by the way.)
And let me address one final thing before wrapping up. This is about Anthony's dear wife, Huma Abedin. Reporters keep asking Anthony, "Where's Huma? Where's Huma?" Well listen here, media. It doesn't matter where Huma is, because I will always stand by Anthony. And under him, taking fotografias of him. And really from any angle that he wants. He clearly knows what he's doing in that area. And plus, that's what amigos are for. And WHEN Antonio wins the election, you can rest assured that I will be with him the entire time, advising him on the issues and telling him the best course of action. In Gracie Mansion. In the motorcade. On el Internet. Everywhere.
I will take up no mas of your time, but will leave you with this plea. Residents of Nuevo York City, vote not just with your brains and your better judgement this primary day, vote with all the other parts of your body and vote Anthony Weiner for mayor.
Blake Henderson is a New York City-based humor writer who thinks that Carlos Danger is pretty much the worst alias a public figure could use. H/T @dhb00.