How to Optimize Your Blogging Experience

02/17/2015 12:04 pm ET | Updated Apr 18, 2015

If you happen to be a blogger who falls into one of the following categories, please note this article is a satirical representation of blogging tips. Do not send me hate mail. Send it to my advertisers who have staff standing by to respond.

Guide to Better Blogging

Welcome to your first blogging experience! Join the millions of others who have found a worthwhile outlet for their creativity and genius. To turn the page, put your right index finger on the top right-hand corner and gently pull it toward you. It should turn to the next page automatically. DO NOT WET YOUR FINGER TO DO THIS OPERATION!

Before we begin, take a few moments to think about why you want to blog. DO NOT WRITE DOWN "FUN." Blogging is not supposed to be fun. And, frankly, we're a little tired that we have to keep reminding people that blogging is an authentic outlet for creativity, inspiration, food recipes, crafts, and gooey sentiment. Humor can work as long as it's not satirical, ironic, or sarcastic. You need to keep things simple. Do not fail at this first task. If you disregard this critical rule, you'll never succeed as a blogger. Pay-per-click advertisers aren't interested in "fun" blogs. They want you to write about things readers will want to purchase.

A list of safe subjects:

FAMILY -- Ideally, family blogs should consist of one blogger, a spouse or significant other (of either sex but that's all we really need to know) and one child. More would be good. Extended family may be included, especially if they have medical issues of some kind. Pharmaceutical companies are particularly interested in bloggers who are on automatic prescription refills.

KIDS -- Keeping readers informed about every aspect of your child's life is the epitome of successful blogging. Parents today know that raising a kid is all about keeping them busy and productive. Advertisers LOVE this type of blog. The opportunities to sell you stuff you can't really afford and your kids will tire of faster than you can say, "Don't give me that look... I paid good money for that iPad, iPod, iPhone... no, you can't go out and play in the mud... I want you locked in your room, plugged in and online" can't be quantified. Insiders refer to this as SUCKER SYNERGY.

RECIPES -- Who doesn't love to read about food? With national obesity rates at an all-time high, it's your job to make sure you're feeding your family the best BRAND NAME products available. Snack food companies rely on you to introduce sugar early and include it often in your family's diet. They want to WEIGHT THE SCALE in your favor and help keep America at the bottom of the food pyramid. And, if you blog about "365 Days -- 365 Ways with Lard" you get to feature ads on your site from weight loss companies and the Cholesterol Center for Heart Health. This is what we in the business call a muffin-top moment.

You've read this far so we know you are serious about turning your blog into a money-making bonanza. Time to bring you the top two voices that will ensure the vertical integration of your blog!

LOVE -- In this category, you get to let your emotions overpower your common sense. It doesn't matter if you write about reciprocal love, unrequited love, or self-love. Love is love. It's what makes the world go 'round and helps keep greeting card companies in business. Gooey sentiment sells. Who doesn't love to see images of sentimental quotes (all original by the way) written in red lipstick on the side of a grande coffee paper cup, photographed in soft focus with little teardrops around the edge and signed with a tiny glitter heart. Please pass the tissues.

CRAFTS -- Now we come to the motherlode of blogging supremacy. Homemade crafts. This is the right blog category for you if you've ever been told you have talent. It could have been when you were two and learned to go potty first time out of training pants. The "when" is not important. Craft blogging is a boom industry and appeals to anyone accused of hoarding and who can now run around the house screaming, "See? I told you that collection of sidewalk spit would make me rich one day. With the right packaging, I could break open the organic glue market."

Craft suppliers will be knocking at your door offering you a lifetime supply of yarn remnants at cost and signing your readers up for the "Sticker of the Month" club. Your blog followers will look at your primitive furniture made out of empty toilet paper rolls, and think -- What?! They did that? With their own hands? Quick! Hand me that garbage bag of used tissue and my staple gun. I've got a blogging empire to build!

CONGRATULATIONS! You've come to the end of Chapter One. Now it's time to drill-down and focus on your blog theme. For a list of paid blog themes, check out our website. Orders processed in the next 24 hours will receive a personal blog dynamics inter-spatial critique by our own award-winning blog-a-ticians. CRITICAL REVIEW AND POTENTIAL quantifier (CRAP) will show you how you can up your readership by following our blogging rules. It's MISSION-CRITICAL thinking at its finest.

Now, continue to Chapter Two to find out how you can ENHANCE your commenting experience, and learn how to INCENTIVIZE your blog so advertisers can KEY IN to their OPTIMUM target market.

Our Guide To Better Blogging will help you become an ADVERTISER-FRIENDLY blogger. But wait, there's more! Once you're done reading, you can turn this guide into paper shavings for the bottom of your hamster's cage. Maybe he'll knit a sweater out of it and take it viral on YouTube.

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