We spend billions of dollars every year on a variety of self help programs. The self-improvement segment of the book market alone is worth nearly $700 million annually, according Market Data Enterprise. You could then toss in another $354 million for audio books in the category. But are we getting our moneys worth? Do we really change? I mean really, really change -- not just in the days and weeks following the weekend seminar, the Wayne Dyer PBS Special or a book we read. Is the change lasting? And if it isn't, if we jump from the self help du jour to tomorrow's you-can-be-better blue plate special, could that have a negative effect on us?
I had a conversation recently with a few guys about what has really worked that led to permanent change. One of my friends is a credit card short of a self help junkie. He goes from Sedona Method to Marianne Williamson to A Year to Live: How to Live This Year as if it Were Your Last. The truth is he doesn't seem to be any different. He has the same income he endlessly complains about, still has the ongoing contentious relationship with his adult child and his girlfriend, but most importantly, he doesn't seem to be any happier. He does not deny that his life is radically different as a result of all of the self improvement but he says he always learns something. Knowledge is good, but change is supposed to be the outcome of all this investment.
Another one of the guys subscribes to the pain theory of change. That is, we only modify our behavior when what we are doing becomes too painful. But does that mean we would only stop smoking when the doctor tells us we have a brown spot on our lung? Isn't a little too late?
I think there's a lot to the pain principle of change but I believe you can imagine or envision the consequences of your behavior in or order to act differently. Presumably you're smart enough to know that smoking can kill. The problem is, too many of us live in the land of deny and justify.
You may need to hit rock bottom, but sometimes the more mature of us can see where this is heading and put on the brakes of bad behavior.
What about the continued failure of self help programs to deliver what they promise? Does that not confirm the worst suspicions that many of us have of ourselves, that our problems are incurable and that we are doomed to spend the rest of our lives unhappy or unfulfilled?
I've spent more than a few dollars on self-help myself. Did it help? Hard to say. I've also wrote a book called What Men Won't Tell You, but Women Need to Know. I'm telling you this so I don't come off as too sanctimonious. I guess I'm looking for (and perhaps giving) answers like many others.
What about you? What's been your experience with self help? Or have you found some way, your own or someone else's to make tangible, lasting change?
Follow Bob Berkowitz on Twitter: www.twitter.com/bobberkowitz
David Wygant: Where Is The Compassion?
Morty Lefkoe: Why Self-Help Usually Doesn't Work ... and What Always Does
Anne Naylor: Is Surrender A Sign Of Weakness?
Mike Robbins: The Power of Desire Without Attachment
we live in a culture obsessed with feeling good. while i don't subscribe to the no pain no gain crowed it is clear that facing oneself requires courage and a willingness to be uncomfortable. unfortunately we see discomfort as a problem and immediately attempt to sedate it. most self-help is just another sedative and is marketed that way. but even legitimate techniques that can root out blocks can be turned into a sedative by an adept avoider.
most people cannot do this on their own and require regular contact with fellow travelers. as i have said many times, if one person tells you you're full of shit you can blow them off. but if 5 people you trust tell you you're full of shit, you're probably full of shit.
self-help is, for the most part, a team sport. its not that it can't be done alone, its just that we are so good at deceiving ourselves that is a rare person who is honest enough to directly confront themselves, unbuffered and unfiltered. until you have reached that level of maturity find kindred spirits.
keep bringing these things to our attention, bob
It was well worth my investment. The key is to realize that self help knowledge is not a substitute for action. You feel good in the moment but you’re not doing anything. I gravitated to self help because I was not getting my needs met in relationships – romantic and otherwise. My initial mistake was I attempted to use the self help knowledge to change other people. I learned how to let go of behaviors/habits that prevented the necessary change I needed to make. For instance, I discontinued behaviors that imbedded toxic people into my life. If toxic people were toxic 24/7 there would be no need for self help. It’s the little morsels of healthy interactions with toxic people where self help was an invaluable tool. I learned how to identify toxic people early on and my quality of life improved 1,000%. Changing how I react to people and situations changed my life. A huge return on a “small” investment.
I think you're right about taking action. People get exciting following a weekend or reading a book on self help and forget to do the hard work from then on.
They seem to believe that reading or listening to someone is enough and as you found out, it's not.
Bob Berowitz
www.bobberkowitz.com
twitter.com/bobberkowitz
I agree with you that the part of self help that a lot of people forget is that it (like almost anything important in life) takes a lot of hard work.
www.bobberkowitz.com
twitter.com/bobberkowitz
and
Getting is the hangover (unhappiness)
May be happiness is the dream of wanting/achieving/desiring something
and unhappiness is the getting or a fulfilment of those dreams and the horrible realization that it
does not feel as good as one may have thought...
in other words may be happiness is the journey towards something and not the destination...