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An Open Letter to Bill O'Reilly About The War on Christmas

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Dear Bill,

I'm writing to you about the War on Christmas. More on that below. But first, I'd like to baselessly make fun of you. Why is it your head seems so narrow and foreheady from the front, but in profile your head is like E.T.'s head: super wide. Or deep. Deep and wide. Whatever. It looks like a completely different head. That of a fat man. Or as if your head was mashed in a vice grip like that scene from CASINO. That's a weird thing, don't you think? Would it be possible to clarify this in "The Memo" one of these nights?

Anyways, the War on Christmas. I totally agree with you. It used to be that a guy could turn on the television or visit the local shopping mall and become instantly blasted with Christmas yule in every form imaginable. Did you see that Christmas movie last year with Tim Allen in which he gets Botox injections in his face? Do you think that hurt? Is that what made him "Kranky?" Will there ever be a movie like that again now that Christmas is under attack? I hate to say, but I doubt it.

Christmas is very much under attack by the Grinch-o-nistas! (You can use that.)

Honestly, I don't think 25-days-from-today will even happen. Will an estimated 159 million Christian households in America wake up to gifts, church, feasting, and songs being sung by a choir -- or will they just simply... not wake up? With nothing left to remind them Christmas is coming, will they know it's Christmastime at all?

In a few days, my daughter is scheduled to play drums for her school's jazz band in something ambiguously billed as a "Holiday Concert." What the Christ is THAT? It should rightfully be called a "Christmas Concert." Or "A Very Jazzy Jesus' Birthday!" How else are we supposed to know what the theme of the concert will be? I say screw the Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, and Miscellaneous students who don't celebrate Christmas. Who asked them to go to public school and participate in extra-curricular events anyway? Not this Christo-phile! Hell, I bet half of them don't realize that Jesus himself wrote the jazz arrangement for "Oh Holy Night" -- AND he could hit that crazy high note in there!

But the Grinch-o-nistas won't allow us to mention that. They want us to be more accepting of other religions by not shoving our (one and only) Religion down their throats. Our nation's slogan should become: "In God We Trust and Shove Down Your Throats!" That'll show the Godless mud people who aren't like you and me that if you dare sneak into our country, we fully intend to shove a plastic Nativity Jesus down your various dirt-worshipping heathen throats.

Honestly, Bill, how the hell will I spend myself into massive credit debt this year? Usually, I begin on Black Friday by using a bicycle chain to thwack old people in Wal-Mart. Last year, I totally booted this four-foot-tall Granny in the spine for an iPod. Look, she had it coming! Don't get between me and my Christmas, old fucker! And that's just the warm up. Next, I try to hit every Sharper Image store in the Northeast Corridor where I buy massage chairs and air purifiers for everyone on my list. Jesus would've wanted that, as he was no fan of allergens. Not this year, though. Christmas is practically cancelled. So I'll be forced to buy crap I personally don't need. There's a pile of flotsam on my floor and it has the word "Roomba" written all over it. Small consolation.

Speaking of buying, I have a problem with your online shop there, Bill. Yeah, yeah -- I hate to interrupt a good misguided rant, but I'm disappointed in you guys at Fox News and the O'Reilly Factor. Being as I'm holding out hope that Christmas won't be stolen by the liberal Whos of Evil-doer-Whoville (you can use that one, too), I went to the online Fox News Shop to buy some of your balls. But what's this? I couldn't find a single Christmas ball in the store! They'd been replaced by these bizarre spheres called "Holiday Ornaments." The description under the The O'Reilly Factor ornaments claim they're designed to adorn something called a "holiday tree." What is this so-called holiday tree? I know what is a Christmas tree, but this holiday tree thing has me stymied. Do I need to buy a second tree? What's the deal?


I thought that of all people, Bill, you'd understand. I thought you'd sell some good old fashioned Christmas balls alongside your other quality The Factor merchandise. By the way, when will you offer the No Spin Zone Lazy Susan? That would be hilarious and ironic because it spins. Get it? See, I'm always thinking. And right now, I'm thinking that you've betrayed The Cause, Bill. You've let us all down. And by "us," I mean white Christians. We white Christians stand for freedom, liberty, and Christmas and have promoted such ideals throughout recorded history. Sure, we've had some missteps now and again like the Crusades, slavery, genocide, religious bigotry, and the band Creed. But Christmas is our birthright. And by selling ornaments and not balls -- for holiday trees and not Christmas trees -- you're mocking a 2000 year old tradition of religious brow-beating.

Please make that adjustment in your shop, Bill. Become a part of the solution. Stand up for the 159 million persecuted Christian households who look to you for kneejerk guidance every night of the week.

Meanwhile, I've called a strategy meeting in a last ditch effort to save Christmas. I'm in touch with the estate of Burl Ives and an emergency summit is scheduled for tonight at Hannity's secret ginger bread bunker. I hope you can come. You have some explaining to do. Tonight's theme: the Gift of the Magi. Bring your fake beard, a staff, and some myrrh. Falwell called frankincense, so you're myrrh. Sorry.

Yours in Christ,

FOOTNOTE: Since the Fox Ornament Gate first appeared on Crooks & Liars yesterday, The Fox Shop has corrected its anti-Christmas error. The word "holiday" was replaced with the word "Christmas" sometime this morning. I'm glad I got a screen capture of the "holiday ornaments" wording for posterity.

And thanks to Crooks & Liars for discovering the Fox News holiday wording in the first place.

FOOTNOTE 2: For those of you who were offended by my remarks regarding O'Reilly's E.T. head, I'd like to clarify my admittedly baseless observation. He's always accusing people of being pinheads, so I figured -- hey, if his head were perfectly shaped, I could maybe understand. But his head is vastly more wide in profile. Let he who is without an oddly shaped head, cast the first pinhead stone.