Cable News Has Run Out of News

Referring to cable news as "right wing" is about as obvious these days as calling it "televised." Sure it's transparently biased and apologetic to the Bush administration and the Republican party, thus extinguishing any notion of the Fourth Estate. But perhaps some day in our lifetime cable news will return to delivering investigative, insightful journalism which questions our leadership rather than defending it --

Shut up. It could happen.

What's become increasingly disturbing, though, is how the news networks have simply run out of news. Or worse, they're actively avoiding real news. Sure. We get it. It's hard work finding and saying all that elusive news. What with a war on; an investigation into national security leaks from the office of "The War President"; global warming; genocide; and those goddamn crazy sharks. Why sift for pointed stories from all that noise when you can engage in discourse which might appeal to, say, a six-year-old?

Wolf Blitzer: "Do you like tatertots, Mr. Rumsfeld?"
Donald Rumsfeld: "The question is not whether I like tots. Do I like tots? Of course I like tots as much as tots deserve my affection which is a lot in a broad stroke description of tots with errrrmmmm... ketchup. So do I like tots? Of course I like tots and ketchup. The question that needs to be asked about tots is --"
Wolf Blitzer: "Mr. Secretary! I have to interrupt with breaking news. We go now live to Bumpus, Virginia where some kid stepped on a bee!"

Here's three actual CNN stories from the past several days. These, sadly, are very real.

1) Wolf Blitzer, on Sunday, blew the lid off the Brad & Jennifer split (old!) with an in-depth report on a newly invented marital issue called "Emotional Cheating." Brad cheated on Jennifer... with his thoughts.

2) Yesterday, CNN spent many precious broadcast minutes delving into an issue which cuts to the very core of the Rove Leak investigation. The special report: "Why do men have nipples?" Look it up.

3) And today's top story? "Man forgets wife at gas station." Look, unless the gas station is in the town of Wekillwivesatgasstations, Kentucky, the wife will make it home with only minor cuts and bruises. Even if the husband drove off and never returned, she'll be okay. Besides, maybe she deserved it. Did you consider that, CNN? Maybe she's a stupid-head. Maybe she cheated on her husband with her thoughts. You told me the other day that it's wrong to cheat with your thoughts, CNN.

Maybe... Yeah... Can we stop now and go back to talking about the right-wing media? Because on second thought, reporting pointless news items is bad enough, but now I'm literally reporting on the reporting of thought-cheating, nipples, and abandoned wives.