How Does He Manage Those Giant B**ls?

08/11/2005 09:23 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

"I sympathize with Mrs. Sheehan. She feels strongly about her position. She has every right in the world to say what she believes. This is America. She has a right to her position. And I've thought long and hard about her position. I've heard her position from others, which is, 'Get out of Iraq now.'" George W. Bush, August 11, 2005

Today's brave comments proved to the nation that all those rumors about the president's tangelo-sized cojones are true. So, so true. Has Halliburton engineered a special nut-sling made from the same material as the belly of space shuttle? Were I him, I wouldn't want Barney mistaking those boys for an armadilla'. Thanks for protecting the president's goodies, Halliburton.

It's staggering, the pluck and courage of this president. Look how geographically close he came to Cindy Sheehan today. The president risked his own safety by coming within -- what? Couple miles? That's my "Struggle President"! Risking his own safety to speak to dangerous people like Cindy Sheehan exemplifies the sort of fortitude -- the sort of raw grit that makes us all proud to be Americans.

How about those touching words? The excessive use of "position" might seem like overkill in the saccharine department. Maybe too mushy there, Mr. President. But we forgive you.

And thank goodness he finally addressed Sheehan's chief concern: the "get out of Iraq" talking point she's been beating to death all this time. Off the record, you'd think she'd instead want the president to address the false and purely political justifications for the war which ultimately aborted her son in the 96th trimester. But hey, bully-bully to her for not putting the memory of her child first. And extra brownie points to the president for having the tact and respect to avoid the subject altogether. President Clinton would've been all, "I'm so sorry for Casey's loss, Mrs. Sheehan." How embarrassing.

Yes, the president, filled with resolve and a heaping dollop of Jesus, lived up to his iron-willed, go-it-alone reputation by finally facing the gathering storm that is The Sheehan Threat. Salute, Mr. President. We salute you.

Years from now, historians at the Rove Center for Post-Constitutional History will upload today's example of heroism into the News Corp Neural Implants of future citizens as they learn about 2005 from within the confines of their protective goo pods. Those Americans of the future will be fortunate indeed if their robo-president has the same raw testicular power as President Bush: the man who confronted The Sheehan Threat and lived to tell the tale.