Iowa Republicans To Choose Their Favorite Fearmonger
Thursday night, Republicans in Iowa will gather in various caucus locations to choose the candidate who will do the best job of scaring the fucking shit out of America.
Months ago, the most overzealous fearmonger of the group, Rudy Giuliani, pulled out of Iowa and the resulting vacuum sucked Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney into the shared role of scaring the fucking shit out of Iowa. Since then, both have proved to be equally qualified in this regard.
Additionally, with the exception of 1980 and 1988, the Iowa Caucus has correctly chosen the eventual Republican nominee. It's also worth noting that the Iowa Republicans have elevated some serious wackaloons and hoopleheads into the top three.
Pat Robertson leg-pressed his way to second in the 1988 Iowa Caucus. In 1996, Pat Buchanan narrowly missed victory by three percentage points. Three points. This demands restating: Pat Buchanan achieved second place in Iowa and, in the view of Republican caucus-goers, was only three points less qualified to be president than Senator Bob Dole. In the 2000 caucus, Iowa Republicans thought John McCain was less qualified to be president than Alan Keyes who placed third. Senator McCain placed a distant fifth.
So not only do Iowa Republicans have a flair for choosing the presumptive nominee, they also possess an uninterrupted predilection for championing crazy people who use fear to better their political chances.
It's a lot of pressure. It's a matter of life or death -- and it all comes down to Thursday night. Huckabee or Romney. Who's crazier, Iowa?
You can choose Mike Huckabee, who said to Tim Russert on Sunday:
"But remember that [the president's] most single -- critical job is that of preserving and protecting the American people."
Huckabee is clearly referring to the Presidential Oath of Office here. Of course he totally misquoted the thing with phrasing that awkwardly reminded me of "putting food on your family." The oath says nothing about protecting and preserving the people, but rather:
"I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States."
The Constitution, it says. The president swears (or affirms) to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution. Not the people. Huckabee's stated goal, rather, is to preserve the people first and worry about the Constitution later because the evildoers will kill us otherwise. On the upside, no matter the outcome of Thursday night, this is probably the closest Huckabee will ever come to publicly reciting the actual presidential oath.
Running second to Huckabee is Mitt Romney whose ability to scare the fucking shit out of America has surged recently, especially when he told the Boston Globe:
"Our most basic civil liberty is the right to be kept alive."
The right to be kept alive, eh? Surely it's more concise than Huckabee's awkward mangling of the Founder's intentions -- and he's not misquoting the presidential oath in the process.
But Romney's talking about wiretapping here and he believes that "the right to be kept alive" is more important than the Fourth Amendment -- hell, more important than all other civil liberties combined. He's also missing the entire point of the Declaration of Independence which enumerates certain unalienable rights. "Life" is listed in there, but liberty and the pursuit of happiness are given equal weight. Sorry, Mitt.
Patrick Henry in particular had something to say about "the right to be kept alive." Ironically, a derivation of Henry's famous quote happens to be the slogan of New Hampshire: "Live Free or Die." But New Hampshire is next week.
"Our most basic civil liberty is the right to be kept alive." Do we need any further proof of how severely the Bush Republicans have bastardized the founding intentions of our nation: the intention of bravery in the face of fear -- the intention of liberty in the face of oppression?
Now, hundreds of years later, the Bush Republicans have outspokenly rewritten Patrick Henry's maxim and they're proud to live under the motto: "Give me liberty... unless it interferes with keeping me alive. Wahhh! Help!" Acquiescence and submissiveness is now somehow patriotic. As long as we keep shopping, we won't notice what's being done to the Constitution.
Deliberately scaring the American people -- political terrorism -- remains the single most effective Bush Republican strategy. It's shocking how quickly and willingly certain Republicans cave under the threat of attack, no matter how implausible the source. Torture, wiretap, and roll back their civil liberties, just so long as they aren't killed!
And the Bush Republicans fancy themselves the manly ones. That's rich.
Maybe Bush Republicans have taken their freedom for granted; consequently, they're all too willing to hand it over when their fight-or-flight instincts are triggered by the color-coded horror stories -- the toe-monster-under-the-bed tall tales spun by their heroes President Bush and Vice President Cheney. And Thursday night, a Republican successor will be chosen to carry on the work of scaring the fucking shit out of America -- a "manly man" Bush Republican who would rather we live in perpetual fear than to defy the terrorists by vigorously preserving, protecting and defending the Constitution of the United States.
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Header and others on this blog,
If the goal is to use words - "kind of like art that gets in your face" - a simple visit to the barnyard and kicking a fresh cowpie would achieve the same.
The definition of "civil" includes courteous, polite.
"Points" are like eggs; the longer you cook them, the tougher they are to swallow.
If one is sincere in their desire to affect needed change, they need to be watchful they don't bury their "point" in an art form.
Many bloggers claim want of revolutionary changes in business, politics, religion, family and on. A great tool towards achieving such is manners. Used everywhere, with everyone...at all times, manners are not only fun, they bring happy, healthy, beneficial results.
In my 62 years of life, I've not met one person who didn't love receiving good manners.
A last little note, the truly observant would of figured I don't police thoughts...and I'm not a Republican.
I'm simply an American who offers time honored ways for us to enjoy "civil" liberties, by doing no harm to thy neighbor.
Yes, those you do not agree with are liars and fear mongers...we get it. Does that still sound like wisdom to you? Or is it just overworked radicalized left wing propaganda even the left is tired of?
Bob, what scares the fucking shit out of me is how the Bush Administration is getting away with all this, right under our noses.
And someday there may be someone who knows where a ticking time bomb is, so it's ok to torture anyone and everyone from now on because that might happen someday!
America, Home of the Land, Free of the Brave
The only thing we have to fear, is a lack of fear
I would like to see Ms. Huffington and her journalist colleagues inject some civility. It's easy to use inflammatory sarcasm, but more difficult to be genuinely intellectual. I urge all respondents to imagine that a human being is standing in front of you. Your mission: to find a way to communicate civilly, without hyperbole and hatred, and still get your point of disagreement across.
To all the pacifists on this blog: peace begins with you.
As for Mr. Romney: he's a distant family member. He's no fearmonger. He was actually correct about life being our most fundamental right needing protection. It's listed in the Declaration of Independence as the first of the basic three: life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
Over the past weeks, I have listened to the ignorant (uneducated) comments being made in the media about my religion. Most of it is completely false and taken out of context. It is highly offensive to learn that my religion was founded by a rapist, racist and criminal, all of which is grossly false. Those who declare such nonsense only show their ignorance.
If you wish to learn more about Mormonism's deep theology and its history, go to www.FairLDS.org and www.byubookstore.edu and type "FARMS" in the search box.
If there is fear to be had, it is that I was unaware that such hatred for my religion existed. More than anything, I fear the fascist, bigoted ideology that a Mormon in America has limited citizenship because one cannot qualify to be president.
Let's do some word substitution based on the views of those who have caustically criticized us: "No Mormon [Jew] is, or should be, qualified to be president." How would citizens of this nation, respond if the same type of hateful and mocking language I've been reading on The Huffington Post and elsewhere across the Internet were used against the Jews? Would it be tolerated on this website? Or would it be blocked from being posted? I imagine the latter would be the case. Then why the double standard here?
Those who have not yet come upon The American Conservative should get themselves to a good newstand. Pat Buchanan is one of the leading opponents of the warmongering and overtly militarist Middle East strategy of the Bush administration. Giuliani truly is a frightening prospect, with McCain running a close second as an exponent of a gigantic US war machine perpetually in the Middle East, to protect Israel and attack any serious supporters of the Palestinians. Romney and Huckabee are totally ignorant about the Middle East, but this is equally true of McCain and that guy from Law and Order.
Supporters of Barack Obama who want to caucus but don't know their caucus location can go to:
www.iowa.barackobama.com to find their caucus location.
Republicans and independents who wish to support Barack can change their party affiliation at the polls to Democratic.
6:30pm tonight!!!
Good point. The worst crimes in human history were conducted in the name of 'security'. Stalin, Hitler used that really well.
The more a candidate speaks about security the more dangerous the candidate is for the public.
The definition of 'dangers' and 'security' must be taken from the insurance companies, not from the greedy two-faced politicians exploiting the stupidity of the mentally weak and disadvantaged.
I do believe I am the first to coin the phrase,
"Frighty Righties". I use it often on my posts on righty blogs, like right angle. It has a nice ring to it and it fits like a glove, don't you think?
I'll like Bob Cesca's columns. He's a fun, interesting and insightful writer.
But, I'm puzzled by his frequent use of profanities -- such as "scaring the fucking shit out of Iowa" above.
Surely he understands that once such language is introduced, he immediately decreases the possible audience for his piece. Rarely does the use of profanities enhance the message, meaning or preciseness of the writing. It inevitably diminished the credibility of the writer and disrespects the reader. And, profanity almost always looks particularly bad in archives.
So why do it – where’s the benefit?
(Don’t get me wrong, I swear like a drunken sailor, just not in writing.)
Great article Bob! It was quite funny in a frightening sort of way. Every word true. I am still amazed at all the people who still buy into that sort of fearmongering. It's almost enough to lose faith in my fellow man. (maybe there is something in the corn)
In the past, when I would start to feel this way, the best cure there was, was a Grateful Dead concert. Unfortunately, Jerry's gone to that Great Gig in the Sky.
He told me that if huckabee shows up in heaven, he's going to kick the crap out him.
The only thing we have to fear, is not fearing itself!
quote" "I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States."
well, that scares the "fucking shit" out of me. especially when you have people in power who would be more than happy to abuse the constitution to the best of their ability by thinking it's ok to just violate people and their basic human rights. that being said, it's one thing to protect the country against said "terrorists" but another thing to go and abuse that power for their own personal political gains. kind of like racial profiling in a way.. their motto is "give me a reason"...
i know, that's been happening for years but still, maybe at some point these people in office will start using their collective brains and try to evolve and work things out and possibly read a Gandhi book of something... or with that type of thinking you'd be better of with like, jerry farwell http://www.beliefnet.com/boards/message_list.asp?discussionID=82344 as president. i know so ludicrous right........*chuckles* but there you go. happy new year!!
We can hope that the republican and conservative parties shrink until the few remaining wingnuts can hide in the NEO-NAZI party they so love.
The funny thing is that the biggest fear monger of the crowd, Mr. 9/11 himself Rudy, didn't even make an effort in Iowa.
FDR may have said that we had nothing to fear but fear itself, but the Republicans have been playing the fear card fro longer than most of the current crowd of republicans were alive. Who was the party of McCarthyism? Who beat the drum about the 'red menace'? Who'll keep you safe from communists invading your schools became who'll keep Gays from invading your schools and who'll keep Darwin away from your children.
Fear has been the dominant theme of the republicans for nearly sixty years. That puts it pretty deep in the philosophical genome.
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