Iowa Republicans To Choose Their Favorite Fearmonger

Thursday night, Republicans in Iowa will gather in various caucus locations to choose the candidate who will do the best job of scaring the fucking shit out of America.

Months ago, the most overzealous fearmonger of the group, Rudy Giuliani, pulled out of Iowa and the resulting vacuum sucked Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney into the shared role of scaring the fucking shit out of Iowa. Since then, both have proved to be equally qualified in this regard.

Additionally, with the exception of 1980 and 1988, the Iowa Caucus has correctly chosen the eventual Republican nominee. It's also worth noting that the Iowa Republicans have elevated some serious wackaloons and hoopleheads into the top three.

Pat Robertson leg-pressed his way to second in the 1988 Iowa Caucus. In 1996, Pat Buchanan narrowly missed victory by three percentage points. Three points. This demands restating: Pat Buchanan achieved second place in Iowa and, in the view of Republican caucus-goers, was only three points less qualified to be president than Senator Bob Dole. In the 2000 caucus, Iowa Republicans thought John McCain was less qualified to be president than Alan Keyes who placed third. Senator McCain placed a distant fifth.

So not only do Iowa Republicans have a flair for choosing the presumptive nominee, they also possess an uninterrupted predilection for championing crazy people who use fear to better their political chances.

It's a lot of pressure. It's a matter of life or death -- and it all comes down to Thursday night. Huckabee or Romney. Who's crazier, Iowa?

You can choose Mike Huckabee, who said to Tim Russert on Sunday:

"But remember that [the president's] most single -- critical job is that of preserving and protecting the American people."

Huckabee is clearly referring to the Presidential Oath of Office here. Of course he totally misquoted the thing with phrasing that awkwardly reminded me of "putting food on your family." The oath says nothing about protecting and preserving the people, but rather:

"I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States."

The Constitution, it says. The president swears (or affirms) to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution. Not the people. Huckabee's stated goal, rather, is to preserve the people first and worry about the Constitution later because the evildoers will kill us otherwise. On the upside, no matter the outcome of Thursday night, this is probably the closest Huckabee will ever come to publicly reciting the actual presidential oath.

Running second to Huckabee is Mitt Romney whose ability to scare the fucking shit out of America has surged recently, especially when he told the Boston Globe:

"Our most basic civil liberty is the right to be kept alive."

The right to be kept alive, eh? Surely it's more concise than Huckabee's awkward mangling of the Founder's intentions -- and he's not misquoting the presidential oath in the process.

But Romney's talking about wiretapping here and he believes that "the right to be kept alive" is more important than the Fourth Amendment -- hell, more important than all other civil liberties combined. He's also missing the entire point of the Declaration of Independence which enumerates certain unalienable rights. "Life" is listed in there, but liberty and the pursuit of happiness are given equal weight. Sorry, Mitt.

Patrick Henry in particular had something to say about "the right to be kept alive." Ironically, a derivation of Henry's famous quote happens to be the slogan of New Hampshire: "Live Free or Die." But New Hampshire is next week.

"Our most basic civil liberty is the right to be kept alive." Do we need any further proof of how severely the Bush Republicans have bastardized the founding intentions of our nation: the intention of bravery in the face of fear -- the intention of liberty in the face of oppression?

Now, hundreds of years later, the Bush Republicans have outspokenly rewritten Patrick Henry's maxim and they're proud to live under the motto: "Give me liberty... unless it interferes with keeping me alive. Wahhh! Help!" Acquiescence and submissiveness is now somehow patriotic. As long as we keep shopping, we won't notice what's being done to the Constitution.

Deliberately scaring the American people -- political terrorism -- remains the single most effective Bush Republican strategy. It's shocking how quickly and willingly certain Republicans cave under the threat of attack, no matter how implausible the source. Torture, wiretap, and roll back their civil liberties, just so long as they aren't killed!

And the Bush Republicans fancy themselves the manly ones. That's rich.

Maybe Bush Republicans have taken their freedom for granted; consequently, they're all too willing to hand it over when their fight-or-flight instincts are triggered by the color-coded horror stories -- the toe-monster-under-the-bed tall tales spun by their heroes President Bush and Vice President Cheney. And Thursday night, a Republican successor will be chosen to carry on the work of scaring the fucking shit out of America -- a "manly man" Bush Republican who would rather we live in perpetual fear than to defy the terrorists by vigorously preserving, protecting and defending the Constitution of the United States.

Bob Cesca's Goddamn Awesome Blog! GO!

Comments

[rulerragingmain]

As the caucuses and primaries of 2021 draw nigh it is with heavy hearts and saddened souls that we must soon bid Godspeed to our beloved brother in Christ and two term President of the United Christian States of America, President Mike Huckabee.

President Huckabee has truly been a glorious Christian soldier throughout the eight years of his administration. His successes have been many and include his shepherding through of such landmark legislation as: mandatory Sunday morning church attendance, The Freedom For All Christian Churches from Investigation and Taxation Act of 2011, The Haggard-Roberts-Robertson-Craig-Foley law of 2012 which officially exonerates all ordained ministers and Republican politicians from previous lascivious acts once they have cried and asked God’s forgiveness in front of Congress and on TV, The Social Tithing Act of 2013 which replaced the socialistic Social Security Act and requires a mandatory payroll deduction of 10% which is held in privately managed faith-based mutual funds. Contributors are allowed to seek economic aid at churches in certain dire circumstances. The Mandatory Automatic Death Penalty Act of 2014 for any doctor convicted of performing an abortion. The 2015 Christian Immigration Act which bars immigrants of any religion other than Christianity from entering the UCSA.

But hope springs eternal, and through the grace of God and the new Christian Voting Rights Act of 2019 we pray that David Huckabee, Mike’s son, will carry forward the Christian banner and be elected President of the United Christian States of America in 2021. David says his platform will include expanded gun ownership rights for Christian animal rights activist such as himself.

Praise the Lord and vote Theocratic!

[Sidewhispers]

Has any one noticed that Huck has been putting a lot of food back on himself? Some one should scare the FS out of him...and Romney.

[Arleang]

I've been a Democrat probably longer than most of you have been alive because I believe in those things that the Democratic Party is supposed to believe in. That said, I don't see that much difference in the administrations starting with Reagan. The democrats seemingly are not as authoritarian and up-tight socially as the republicans, BUT BOTH PARTIES HAVE SOLD US DOWN THE FREE TRADE RIVER.

The republican candidates admittedly are a strange group and all play the fear, father protector card.

The democrats (and I will vote for one of them)tell me what I want to hear, but will any of them even try to reverse the damage done to America by "free" trade. They have all stood by as our national wealth escaped and is now returning to purchase our assets and dilute our sovereignty.

If a Democrat is elected, that would be the time to start pressing for changes that would encourage the creation of wealth by Americans for Americans.

As a bit of encouragement in that regard, did you know that the same people who have been making toys for your kids produce most the of the stuff in your pharmaceuticals?

[LorettaSingbiel]

"Our most basic civil liberty is the right to be kept alive."

According to our "fearless leader", NOBODY has "more inherent value" than a brain-dead woman, and 400,000 frozen embryos.

Any living, breathing, eating HUMAN is "scared shit" out of luck!

Stay safe, healthy and happy,
Love, Loretta

[Plisko]

"The right to be kept alive"

Doesn't Mitt realize that this is not an original thought? It is the excuse rising dictators use and it is the whine most heard from the citizens who give them power.

It's always about an emergency life and death struggle. Always. Since the beginning of warfare.

[Overd0g]

Sort of like using the fear of the rich, the fear of religion, and the fear of "global warming" to get votes.

[RustyCannon]

Bob, I was very offended by your use of the phrase "fucking shit". Couldn't you soften that up a little by substituting another word or phrase... such as "fucking Cheney", "fucking Bush", or "fucking Coulter"?
Just a thought. Loved the post.

[coloneblog]

That's a pretty f#%king good analysis! It should be considered mandatory reading for all Americans.

[rusino]

I wondered why my posts were never put on line.

I disagree with the all of you. At first I thought this was an intersting site. Now I realize that if I disagree, I will not be heard.

A former Dem now a Republican

[tumblewind]

I guess I am an oddball in this country. I really don't worry that much about terrorism and don't really understand all the people who are obsessed about it. It's just part of our modern day lives. It's been this way since the early 70's when terrorist groups started emerging to hijack airliners. So it's been going on for that long. I worry more about the airport that is a 1/4 of mile away and a airplane slamming in the middle of my house. They have had a few crashes there with fatalities. The point of this is. There are more important things to get concerned about in this country. So I don't really understand why people allow themselves to be terrorized by Republican candidates. I guess it's all part of the 'Republican Mystic' or maybe I should say it's required to be a good Republican!

[StevieRae]

Cesca's got his finger on it, amen. However, David Ignatius really put all of this "Internet Opining" as reflected by many of the postings on today's blog into perspective in the WashPost. Be mindful of the "Opinion Accelerator" as we move further into '08.

[PeteBogs]

where would Republicants be without terrorists, and gay and/illegal immigrant bogeymen?

[MikeInMaine]

Well, I still think NPR stands for "National Republican Radio", and I still believe Exxon/ Mobil and friends own the Republican party....and us too. For a musical summary ("Gouge 'Em 'Till They Bleed")please visit: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=170140

[TankerRat]

Pretty good post. Problem as I see it is that the electorate will swallow it all again. Never fails. The Dems will run the Hill and Billary show and you'll get one of these fearmongers as POTUS. AGAIN!!!! You hide and watch. The smirk on Karl Rove's face must be a mile wide. Add that, the whining on the HuffPo will go on along with the lack of concrete action and we'll see the results won't we. Four more years of what will amount to the Bush crowd. Happy Trails folks. Vote Richardson in 08 for real change.

[jfnorman2]

why the profanity? couldn't the same points be made in a more civil tone?