Iowa Republicans To Choose Their Favorite Fearmonger

Thursday night, Republicans in Iowa will gather in various caucus locations to choose the candidate who will do the best job of scaring the fucking shit out of America.

Months ago, the most overzealous fearmonger of the group, Rudy Giuliani, pulled out of Iowa and the resulting vacuum sucked Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney into the shared role of scaring the fucking shit out of Iowa. Since then, both have proved to be equally qualified in this regard.

Additionally, with the exception of 1980 and 1988, the Iowa Caucus has correctly chosen the eventual Republican nominee. It's also worth noting that the Iowa Republicans have elevated some serious wackaloons and hoopleheads into the top three.

Pat Robertson leg-pressed his way to second in the 1988 Iowa Caucus. In 1996, Pat Buchanan narrowly missed victory by three percentage points. Three points. This demands restating: Pat Buchanan achieved second place in Iowa and, in the view of Republican caucus-goers, was only three points less qualified to be president than Senator Bob Dole. In the 2000 caucus, Iowa Republicans thought John McCain was less qualified to be president than Alan Keyes who placed third. Senator McCain placed a distant fifth.

So not only do Iowa Republicans have a flair for choosing the presumptive nominee, they also possess an uninterrupted predilection for championing crazy people who use fear to better their political chances.

It's a lot of pressure. It's a matter of life or death -- and it all comes down to Thursday night. Huckabee or Romney. Who's crazier, Iowa?

You can choose Mike Huckabee, who said to Tim Russert on Sunday:

"But remember that [the president's] most single -- critical job is that of preserving and protecting the American people."

Huckabee is clearly referring to the Presidential Oath of Office here. Of course he totally misquoted the thing with phrasing that awkwardly reminded me of "putting food on your family." The oath says nothing about protecting and preserving the people, but rather:

"I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States."

The Constitution, it says. The president swears (or affirms) to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution. Not the people. Huckabee's stated goal, rather, is to preserve the people first and worry about the Constitution later because the evildoers will kill us otherwise. On the upside, no matter the outcome of Thursday night, this is probably the closest Huckabee will ever come to publicly reciting the actual presidential oath.

Running second to Huckabee is Mitt Romney whose ability to scare the fucking shit out of America has surged recently, especially when he told the Boston Globe:

"Our most basic civil liberty is the right to be kept alive."

The right to be kept alive, eh? Surely it's more concise than Huckabee's awkward mangling of the Founder's intentions -- and he's not misquoting the presidential oath in the process.

But Romney's talking about wiretapping here and he believes that "the right to be kept alive" is more important than the Fourth Amendment -- hell, more important than all other civil liberties combined. He's also missing the entire point of the Declaration of Independence which enumerates certain unalienable rights. "Life" is listed in there, but liberty and the pursuit of happiness are given equal weight. Sorry, Mitt.

Patrick Henry in particular had something to say about "the right to be kept alive." Ironically, a derivation of Henry's famous quote happens to be the slogan of New Hampshire: "Live Free or Die." But New Hampshire is next week.

"Our most basic civil liberty is the right to be kept alive." Do we need any further proof of how severely the Bush Republicans have bastardized the founding intentions of our nation: the intention of bravery in the face of fear -- the intention of liberty in the face of oppression?

Now, hundreds of years later, the Bush Republicans have outspokenly rewritten Patrick Henry's maxim and they're proud to live under the motto: "Give me liberty... unless it interferes with keeping me alive. Wahhh! Help!" Acquiescence and submissiveness is now somehow patriotic. As long as we keep shopping, we won't notice what's being done to the Constitution.

Deliberately scaring the American people -- political terrorism -- remains the single most effective Bush Republican strategy. It's shocking how quickly and willingly certain Republicans cave under the threat of attack, no matter how implausible the source. Torture, wiretap, and roll back their civil liberties, just so long as they aren't killed!

And the Bush Republicans fancy themselves the manly ones. That's rich.

Maybe Bush Republicans have taken their freedom for granted; consequently, they're all too willing to hand it over when their fight-or-flight instincts are triggered by the color-coded horror stories -- the toe-monster-under-the-bed tall tales spun by their heroes President Bush and Vice President Cheney. And Thursday night, a Republican successor will be chosen to carry on the work of scaring the fucking shit out of America -- a "manly man" Bush Republican who would rather we live in perpetual fear than to defy the terrorists by vigorously preserving, protecting and defending the Constitution of the United States.

Bob Cesca's Goddamn Awesome Blog! GO!

Comments

[plummaddie]

Thanks for your posts. I keep all of them. I'm hopeful that someday we'll get out of this mess. I want my kids to know this really happened and could happen again!

[martinchill]

"Our most basic civil liberty is the right to be kept alive."

which, of course, implies that 'we' NEED 'someone' to keep 'us' alive.

anyone who openly admits to supporting this loon deserves to be punched in the nose.

=:^o

"Ironically, a derivation of Henry's famous quote happens to be the slogan of New Hampshire: "Live Free or Die." But New Hampshire is next week."

seriously.­..

[msfiskvletterman]

1/2/08
10:45pm
Alexandria, VA

I didn't think anybody could make me laugh about the race until I read this post.
Good one.

[Superfelo]

We are given a sucker punch, that may or may not have been an inside job; and then we go into color coding of days. We forgot to include telling people what the color of the day was so that we could wear it.
And a responder says: "but, the Democrats are as much to blame for "scaring us" about terrorism. With their lack of spine since 9/11, many democrats have also been "quickly and willingly cave under the threat of attack, no matter how implausible the source. Torture, wiretap, and roll back their civil liberties, just so long as they aren't killed!”
No, the Democrats were being politicians.
The Master of Illusion, Karl Rove, made them think that people were "scared shitless" and would not vote for them unless they toed the line. Thereby hang a tale.
Mr. Cesca it is well to point out what you have pointed out. It is important to remind us that the presidential oath says:” I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States."
Wonderful!!!
Enough said. Thank you.

[Danny]

"Keep them scared, Keep them scared" has been a winning motto for the Repigs for a long time. I think we have had enough of it, perhaps even Iowans.

[degobah]

Wow. I've been afraid to use the "F-word" in comments here on the Huffington Post for fear of being blackballed, or worse. But now I read a post from one of my favorite bloggers and... fucking-A!

There is one of my favorite expletives right in the first fucking sentence. Fuck yeah. I'm gonna fucking use the word fuck like it was fucking going of fucking style now. What a liberating fucking feeling. Fuck. It just slides off your tongue like a fucking oyster, doesn't it?

And, there is even a whole fucking town in Austria named, get this, Fucking. That's right. Fucking, Austria. If I ever go there I'm gonna send a postcard to my mother saying "Hello from Fucking, Austria."

Well, I've got to go feed by fucking fish. Then I think I'll turn on the fucking radio and listen to fucking NPR for awhile. I'm sure fucking glad that the fucking caucuses are over tomorrow. I'll sure will be glad to stop hearing about fucking Iowa all the fucking time. Fuck.

Degobah from fucking So Cal

[llozano]

I agree with everything you said and I would add that it is not just the people in Iowa who fall for this fear mongering but I have come across otherwise thinking, intelligent people from all walks of life who have bought into this fear mongering. I don't know the exact reason for this other than my own observation that people are not doing the research and are not getting the full story from the mainstream media. It really does not take too much effort to become informed about this and other issues. Maybe people just don't care or have other things to concern themselves with. God save us.

[maldux]

As an Australian, the only nation in the world I now fear is the USA. We used to look up to and admire you. That's all changed. Whatever happened to "the land of the free and the home of the brave"?.

[Aily]

I couldn't agree with you more, but the Democrats are as much to blame for "scaring us" about terrorism. With their lack of spine since 9/11, many democrats have also been "quickly and willingly cave under the threat of attack, no matter how implausible the source. Torture, wiretap, and roll back their civil liberties, just so long as they aren't killed!".

I have serious doubts if Clinton (Bill) would have done anything different in terms of wanting to attack Iraq (although he recently said differently). And Hillary doesn't seem to be striking a different tone from the Bush administration with her voting records, first in favor of the war...and recently, labeling Iranian Guards as terrorists.

Going back, you have "smart" democrats like Madeline Albright praising Bush/Cheney for their handling of the terrorism issues, Pakistan, etc... Only recently did the democrats started to vote their conscience­...or balls.

I could only hope that the next Democrat President doesn't fold under the pressure of "terror" and repeat the nightmare that we all have lived under for the past seven years. One more year to go...and hopefully, there will be some substantive change.

[cylindar]

Yeah well if the dumb f#ck Americans who voted for Bush are willing to vote for another dumb f$ck republican I think they would deserve what they get. Lets face it Americans are a sick lot of people. They lack guts, they lack brains and they definitely are not going to make it into the near future. The Late Great America. Isn't this place a joke!

[TimothyD11]

No no no, won't be the best fearmonger.

The delusional red state loonies will vote for the person they most perceive as someone that would turn over Roe v Wade.

And that should be TERRIFIC for whoever the Democrat candidate is because Democrats and independents go easy on the kool-aid and will have none of that.

[elkabong]

Yesterday's "commie" is today's "islamofascist". Conservative dupes remain the same

[Berettasskeeter]

Bob, are you suggesting that it is NOT a Presidential priority to protect the lives of Americans whenever possible? From what reading of history, the Constitution, or of the Declaration of Independence do you take this?
I find your mischaract­erizations of their words laughable and dishonest, at best.
Semper fi

[KarenZipdrive]

Mitt is evil, devious and cultish.
Huckabee is ignorant, backwoods and goofy.
See?
It'll take TWO Republicans to give us what just one George W. Bush delivered.

[volum]

Best opening line of any article I've ever read on HuffPo.