Iowa Republicans To Choose Their Favorite Fearmonger

Thursday night, Republicans in Iowa will gather in various caucus locations to choose the candidate who will do the best job of scaring the fucking shit out of America.

Months ago, the most overzealous fearmonger of the group, Rudy Giuliani, pulled out of Iowa and the resulting vacuum sucked Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney into the shared role of scaring the fucking shit out of Iowa. Since then, both have proved to be equally qualified in this regard.

Additionally, with the exception of 1980 and 1988, the Iowa Caucus has correctly chosen the eventual Republican nominee. It's also worth noting that the Iowa Republicans have elevated some serious wackaloons and hoopleheads into the top three.

Pat Robertson leg-pressed his way to second in the 1988 Iowa Caucus. In 1996, Pat Buchanan narrowly missed victory by three percentage points. Three points. This demands restating: Pat Buchanan achieved second place in Iowa and, in the view of Republican caucus-goers, was only three points less qualified to be president than Senator Bob Dole. In the 2000 caucus, Iowa Republicans thought John McCain was less qualified to be president than Alan Keyes who placed third. Senator McCain placed a distant fifth.

So not only do Iowa Republicans have a flair for choosing the presumptive nominee, they also possess an uninterrupted predilection for championing crazy people who use fear to better their political chances.

It's a lot of pressure. It's a matter of life or death -- and it all comes down to Thursday night. Huckabee or Romney. Who's crazier, Iowa?

You can choose Mike Huckabee, who said to Tim Russert on Sunday:

"But remember that [the president's] most single -- critical job is that of preserving and protecting the American people."

Huckabee is clearly referring to the Presidential Oath of Office here. Of course he totally misquoted the thing with phrasing that awkwardly reminded me of "putting food on your family." The oath says nothing about protecting and preserving the people, but rather:

"I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States."

The Constitution, it says. The president swears (or affirms) to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution. Not the people. Huckabee's stated goal, rather, is to preserve the people first and worry about the Constitution later because the evildoers will kill us otherwise. On the upside, no matter the outcome of Thursday night, this is probably the closest Huckabee will ever come to publicly reciting the actual presidential oath.

Running second to Huckabee is Mitt Romney whose ability to scare the fucking shit out of America has surged recently, especially when he told the Boston Globe:

"Our most basic civil liberty is the right to be kept alive."

The right to be kept alive, eh? Surely it's more concise than Huckabee's awkward mangling of the Founder's intentions -- and he's not misquoting the presidential oath in the process.

But Romney's talking about wiretapping here and he believes that "the right to be kept alive" is more important than the Fourth Amendment -- hell, more important than all other civil liberties combined. He's also missing the entire point of the Declaration of Independence which enumerates certain unalienable rights. "Life" is listed in there, but liberty and the pursuit of happiness are given equal weight. Sorry, Mitt.

Patrick Henry in particular had something to say about "the right to be kept alive." Ironically, a derivation of Henry's famous quote happens to be the slogan of New Hampshire: "Live Free or Die." But New Hampshire is next week.

"Our most basic civil liberty is the right to be kept alive." Do we need any further proof of how severely the Bush Republicans have bastardized the founding intentions of our nation: the intention of bravery in the face of fear -- the intention of liberty in the face of oppression?

Now, hundreds of years later, the Bush Republicans have outspokenly rewritten Patrick Henry's maxim and they're proud to live under the motto: "Give me liberty... unless it interferes with keeping me alive. Wahhh! Help!" Acquiescence and submissiveness is now somehow patriotic. As long as we keep shopping, we won't notice what's being done to the Constitution.

Deliberately scaring the American people -- political terrorism -- remains the single most effective Bush Republican strategy. It's shocking how quickly and willingly certain Republicans cave under the threat of attack, no matter how implausible the source. Torture, wiretap, and roll back their civil liberties, just so long as they aren't killed!

And the Bush Republicans fancy themselves the manly ones. That's rich.

Maybe Bush Republicans have taken their freedom for granted; consequently, they're all too willing to hand it over when their fight-or-flight instincts are triggered by the color-coded horror stories -- the toe-monster-under-the-bed tall tales spun by their heroes President Bush and Vice President Cheney. And Thursday night, a Republican successor will be chosen to carry on the work of scaring the fucking shit out of America -- a "manly man" Bush Republican who would rather we live in perpetual fear than to defy the terrorists by vigorously preserving, protecting and defending the Constitution of the United States.

Bob Cesca's Goddamn Awesome Blog! GO!

Comments

[Namtillaku]

Who is to protect us from our own government? The Justice Department? The Democrats? How about the media, are they charged with protecting us?

The general public doesn't realize, doesn't consider that the threat from within has been way more destructive to our nation than the threat from abroad. The Iraq war, unjust, based upon lies, with still no purpose given for us being there, has killed many more Americans than 9/11. Is this Republican protection? Do these candidates care for the Americans dying in Iraq? No, they don't. They don't even talk about it, other than to reiterate their version of; stay the course, we must win, or we have to fight them there so we don't have to here.

A vote for a Republican is a vote for hate and death. I will never understand how someone could vote for any of them.

[Shake-A-Spear]

Huckabee scares the bejesus outta me. That this total ignoramus could so charm even the inland yokels of I-O-WAY shows we in the US have much to fear. Look what we got when we let our guard down: Bush Jr.and his Dick.

[StillAmused]

Not every day you get to watch a full-throttle, dead-heat race to the bottom, conducted before an impassioned, adoring crowd.

Kinda remarkable these folks can grow and harvest corn, unsupervised by a literate adult.

[nippersdad]

Great post Bob! I have been wondering for years where all of the scared people are who, apparently, feel that security trumps...well, everything else.

I have a theory; no one is actually afraid of brown people swimming the Atlantic with knives in their teeth to shove them into burkhas. What we have is a population reared on slasher films that gets a thrill out of the thought that something like this MIGHT happen, and that they are studly enough to stave off the threat singlehandedly. They dream of something happening so that they can show off in front of their peers as in some kind of Rambo scenario.

Funny thing is, in the actual event, they would be the same people sitting at their keyboards in their Mom's basements daydreaming while whatever went down happened...elsewhere. Gutless wonders, just like the Administration they spend so much time salivating over.

[WolfLady]

Wonderful, Mr.C! In any case, allowing a thin cross-section of corn-subsidized fundie goobers to start off the presidential selection process is beyond insane. This whole Iowa Caucus madness really needs to be flushed down the crapper.
~Lannie

[Qbear]

Iowa Conservatives who support MotherHucker

http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2006-8/1210139/huckatrain.jpg

Huckabee won't get the pleasure of putting People with AIDS in CAMP trains...cuz one or the other of us won't be breathing.

[JohnnyRingo]

Why do these Republicans think the Constitution is optional? Do they think popular opinion can alter the document?
We dont pick the rights we want to honor from a buffet line.

Just because "most voters" regard safety over privacy doesn't mean the 4th is open to veto.

Maybe to explain in a way they better understand, just because "most people" think no one needs an assault rifle, doesn't make the 2nd ammendment available for edit.

[Bushwillresign]

The republicans are the ones that want to spend way too much money on the military. So, we end up with the best military in the world. We attacked people in Iraq that don't even have shoes to wear.
Why are the republicans hiding under their beds? I could see them hiding under their beds if we had no military. They should not be scared. Something is wrong here.

[LeeroyFDermit]

A recent news article explained that Hillary's support in Iowa is the result of voters wanting to get Bill Clinton back in the White House - primarily because he created a great economy.

This seems hard to believe based on the easily available facts exposed in these articles:

Hillary uses Myth of Clinton Economy
http://www.leeroyfdermit.com/2007/08/article-today-in-associated-press-said.html

Protecting the Constitution from Clinton and Gang
http://www.leeroyfdermit.com/2007/09/protecting-constitution-from-clinton.html

Bill Clinton and the Myth of Giving
http://www.leeroyfdermit.com/2007/08/i-see-that-bill-clinton-has-written.html

I'm voting for Ron Paul.

[OhgReaTone]

We write some pretty funny and clever stuff about the abuses of the Bush Administration - but in the end his Rule by Terror philosophy is not very amusing.
Ohg.
http://thefiresidepost.com/2008/01/03/government-by-terror/

[andyboy]

Good stuff Cesca! Very incisive and snide. Your developing an edge I see. I like it. Call the shit the way it is.

Iowa people are Pat Robertson people.

Enuff said? They are insane from sitting around on the farm being ugly.

[mrskittles]

The nightmare continues - not only for the citizens of the US but for the whole world. The crimes and lies of this corrupt administration are slowly but thankfully creeping out. The outcome of the "investigation" of the torture tape destruction will surely be interesting. This chick ain't buying the bullshit flung by these criminals - never have and never will. Peace to all.

[isis]

I predict a McCain/Huckabee ticket. People will go crazy if Huckabee isn't on the ticket but they need their tough guy too.

[gemstone1000]

This is, without a doubt, the best post I have seen. I have wondered why no one seems to pick up on the fact that all the Republican presidential candidates--Ron Paul excluded--are "scared white men." How is it that they're considered "manly" when they are the opposite of manly. Bill Maher said once that "George Bush ain't no pussy." Well, yes, he is a pussy. It doesn't take courage to send other people's children to war. When George Bush goes to war or sends his daughters to war, then I will agree that he isn't a pussy. Until then . . .

[kellygrrrl]

Bob, the Repubs (the ones who are actually going to vote Repub this year - or vote at all) will go for Shmuckabee. I have no doubt about it.
Sir Francis Bacon said:
Knowledge is Power
Faith is Blind.
That was 500 years ago.
apparently we haven't made quite the strides we'd hoped.

If ol' Huck would just vow to reinstate public torture and beheading of the nonbelievers, he'd be a sure thing