Dear Mr. President,
Happy New Year! I've spent a lot of time ripping you apart on this blog. So it's only fair, in this season of giving, that I give you 10 legitimate and proactive tips on how to improve your station in 2007. Seriously, what do you have to lose?
1) When a reporter is asking you questions, make eye contact. Staring down at the podium like you're trying to bend a spoon mentally while the question is being asked makes you look like you're, well, trying to bend a spoon mentally. Trust me, it can't be done. In addition, I understand that you're showing your lack of regard for the press, but face it, the press was your biggest ally for many, many years. The least you can do is to look at them when they're talking to you. Besides, think of how many jokes about their clothing you're missing out on.
2) Hire Dane Cook as an advisor. Nothing will help your standing among MySpace shut-ins than opening a press conference with, "We're all gonna lie. We're all gonna cry. And we're all gonna take painful shits. I'll take your questions now."
3) I hate to break it to you, but when you do that lop-sided grimace/grin and thrust your head forward after talking about casualties, it looks like you think the casualties are hilarious and awesome. They're not. So when you feel the urge to do that, try to at least disguise your face. Cupping your hands over your mouth and eyes when you feel an "eh-eh-eh" coming on will make you look like you're broken up. Being broken up over casualties is good and people will relate to it. Word of warning: You might be fearful that cupping your hands over your mouth will suffocate you. It won't. Humans can breathe through their noses, too. Perhaps have the White House physician check the integrity of your septum just in case (you know why). If it's good to go, feel free to cup away!
4) Adopt a monkey. So the next time you're caught by the press in another lie or delusion, you can have an advisor (Dane Cook!) rush in to tell you that your monkey's going nuts and flinging poo in the Roosevelt Room. Who can argue with that escape hatch? Blurt out, "Monkey's freaking out. Gotta go!" Whenever someone tells me they have to bail because their monkey's going apeshit, I always go, "Wow. You better handle that."
5) Drop the George Washington references when discussing your legacy and how history will judge you. Switch to President Ford. He's hot right now. Use it.
6) Speaking of your legacy, it can't be Iraq (see item #9 below). So fire Cheney, replace him with Condi and BOOM! There's your legacy.
7) Lift the veil of secrecy and allow full reality show access to the White House. Let a camera crew film everything and allow them to broadcast your tantrums, your battles with Congress, and your construction of a custom theme chopper. Everything. In fact, bring in Mikey from American Chopper. He's the funny one from the show and could get into all kinds of antics while Cheney's trying to brief you on Iraq. And then Cheney could get all irritated, then you could comment later, "You know, Mikey's funny and all. But you know, we have a deadline on the Dewalt Power Drill chopper and that human-animal hybrid legislation. You know?" Mikey could also tend to your adopted monkey.
8) It's time to come clean and drop the cowboy act. Or, if you're going to keep up the farce, grow one of those giant Sam Elliot mustaches and employ the full array of slang from Deadwood. Carry a fucking giant knife in your belt and gripe about the hoopleheads from Yankton. If not, just cut the shit already because you've only ever succeeded in looking like a preening line-dancing instructor with an accent less believable than DiCaprio's in Blood Diamond.
9) You claim to have established a democratic government in Iraq. Saddam is dead (Malkin has the video and she's really, really proud of it). Halliburton has made a fortune. Just declare victory on those qualifications; set up a base in Kurdistan and bring the rest of the troops home. What's so hard about that? Not everyone will buy it, and many will disagree on the legitimacy of the victory, but really now. You're just being dumb on this thing. Iraq is in a civil war and it will continue whether we're there or not. Or, here's the explanation in terms you'll understand. You organize a frat party but after it's underway, your buddies remind you it's your turn to drive so you're forced to hang out in the corner holding everyone's keys in your -- I don't know -- your cowboy saddlebags because, yeah yeah, you're a cowboy. A huge fight breaks out among the crowd. It's mayhem. Bodies and bottles flying all over the damn place. And you, the sober cowboy holding the keys, is sprayed with blood, broken glass and puke, ruining your (sigh) cowboy chaps. That's not much of a party for you, is it? It sucks, doesn't it? Right. If you need a chart or ledger to figure out the metaphor, I can fax it over. Time to bail out, pardner.
10) And finally, Senator Lieberman is an asshole and, along with Senator Clinton, he's continuing his efforts to censor video games and other media. You should come out in favor of video games. Just make a brief prime time speech in which you tell the nation that video games are "totally bangin'" and as such you won't be Lieberman's friend any more. You'd have my support on that one, broseph. Really. I have no idea why in blue blazes some of the Democrats continue to support censorship, but they're making a huge mistake. Seize upon it.
And that's it. These tips might not rescue your presidency, but they'll inch you back towards the 50 percent mark within the year. Hell, Mikey and a pet monkey is five points right there. Thank you, Mr. President.
Cheers,
Bob Cesca
December 31, 2006
PS. What are your favorite holiday movies, Mr. President? Mine are as follows. Thanksgiving: Planes, Trains & Automobiles. Christmas: Die Hard. New Year's Day: Trading Places. If your favorites are those Tim Allen SHIT! I'm Santa! movies, I retract my advice.