THE BLOG
06/23/2006 12:27 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Senator Rick Santorum Finds Old Crap, Makes Ass of Himself

Senator Santorum is my kind of guy. Not only did he make a complete ass of himself on the national stage, but he perfectly exemplified the specious, delusional fearnauts currently occupying our government.

In case you missed it, the senator found weapons of mass destructions (WMDs) in Iraq. These canisters, left in the desert decades ago and armed with depleted and useless mustard and sarin gas, could cause deadly harm to countless people if used in conjunction with a time machine powered by a 1.21 gigawatt flux capacitor set for Hill Valley, 1988. Now if only Senator Santorum could also go back in time and prevent his parents from meeting, well then, bonus! Look out for that poop truck, Senator!

Secretary of Defense Doc Brown, in an awesomely ridiculous move, confirmed that these weapons, which predate the Gulf War, could hurt someone and therefore qualify as weapons of mass destructions (WMDs).

"They are weapons of mass destruction. They're harmful to human beings. And they have been found."

Based on Doc Brown's description and reacting from my gut, I'm saddened to announce that I found a weapon of mass destructions (WMDs) in my garage. This weapon doesn't have a cool name like Taepodong 2 (pronounced "Type O' Dong" -- thanks Rob Corddry) but it's a weapon none-the-less.

It's called a Grass Hog. You may know it by the pejorative "Weed Whacker." Some folks call it a Weed Whacker; I call it a Grass Hog. Whatever you choose to call it, believe you me, if I ever decided to harm human beings with it, I could. Oh yes. I could go batshit crazy from hating America and run right up to my neighbor, Wayne, and BZZZ! thwack him in the ankles, inflicting a really, really severe minor abrasion. That qualifies as harm, right? My neighbor Wayne qualifies as a human, right? I found it, didn't I?

Weapons of mass destruction. They're everywhere. And Republicans need them. So gather up your collection of old bicentennial firecrackers that you've kept preserved in a jar of denture juice. Send them news of toast! Not just any toast, but that crappy diner triple-decker toast that somehow rips the flesh off the roof of your mouth! Send them news of your snakes! On airplanes! Send them news of the lead Civil War minié balls from Gettysburg gift shops and tell them you found evidence that General Lee is about to attack Little Round Top! Send him some mustard and a fat guy suffering from gas!

For without the ability to incite irrational fear in American voters, the Republicans are rendered powerless. Sadly, these fear props are often as ridiculous as Senator Santorum's 20-year-old Iran-Iraq War relics. Ban same-sex marriage because it'll destroy hetero marriage, but sue for divorce as much as you want. Spy on Americans to fight the war on terror, while voting in favor of the pardoning of insurgents who attacked American soldiers. Round up illegal immigrants, but continue to allow corporations to send American jobs to Mexico. Wheel out breaking news stories about ancient terror plots, but ignore the recommendations of the 9/11 Commission, leave our ports vulnerable, and act surprised when North Korea unveils its Taepodong missile. And if none of it works and a majority of Americans recognize that it's all mostly horseshit Karl Rove thought of while glazing his forehead, just rig the elections.

No, we shouldn't deny Senator Santorum his scary campaign props, just so long as they embarrass the hell out of him. I have a great idea for his October surprise. Who wants to send the senator an anatomically correct sex toy with the word Taepodong scribbled on the side? Get your TiVO ready, John Amato!