Hillary, Barack, Randy, Paula and Simon

For this I missed American Idol? It's time to be honest. Last night's Clinton-Obama debate in Cleveland made me wish Hillary had really meant it when she said she wasn't going to show up.

Come to think of it, it would have been much more compelling had they folded it into the Idol show.

Can't you imagine it? Hillary finishes her rendition of that Ohio favorite "My Nasty NAFTA Man" and now it's time to face the judges.

Randy: "Check it out. I gotta tell you Dawg. That wasn't a good song for you. You didn't really bring a lot of conviction to it since we've heard you hum such a different tune before"

Hillary (angrily): "You have no right to call me a DOG!!" Why do we still have to endure such condescending treatment? If you don't watch yourself, I'll do a Helen Reddy selection. And while we're at it, why do I always have to perform first?!!!"

Paula: " (After mumbling something incoherent). Actually, I don't agree with Randy. I don't think it matters how you dance around your past versions of the NAFTA song. The way you're singing it now might be your best hope of getting the votes here in Ohio. It's now or never"

Simon: "I hated it. What bothers me most of all is that you showed such promise in the early stages but lately everything you've done has been nothing but dismal. I don't know who's been giving you advice, but they're obviously not worth what you're paying them. You could save everyone a lot of trouble if you just pulled out"

Instead, Hillary stomps off muttering something about being a "fighter" and providing universal health care for everyone but Randy and Simon. Now it's time for the rock star.

Barack: "HELLLLOOOO CLEVELAND!!!! (That's how he always begins his act.) . He then brings the audience to a frenzy as he belts out the year's big hit "Loose Change". It takes quite awhile for the applause to stop, particularly in the press section.

Randy: "I don't know what to say man. You really nailed it. I don't know what the words really mean but the tune sure sounds nice. Hussein, you are my MAIN man."

Paula: "You're kinda cute. Maybe we can talk after we go off the air"

Simon: "Paula. We've warned you not to do that. But I gotta tell you Barack. You're a real show business winner. My only criticism is that outfit you're wearing. It looks like it could be from Kenya or something. I'd lose the costume".

It could have been worse. This could have been Texas where we would have to listen to Ivy Leaguers Hillary and Barack pretend they're at home with country music. Wherever they are, it doesn't look like they're going to be singing duets anytime soon. Given the nasty tone, we should call this show "American Snide-el"

We'll know the vote tally in less than a week. All of us are watching closely. Unless candidate Hillary Clinton wins a big victory, the next time we see her debate could well be on the History Channel.

Comments

[Annisee]

Nice piece, Bob - something to laugh at for a change!

We surfed between channels last night - the effect was something like your article, but nowhere near as funny. ;-)

[CaveatMagnusFrater]

W already did the Ivy League/Tezan thing.

Who could ever forget his classic country hit: ALL HAT NO CATTLE

I'm an all hat no cattle Harvard cowboy
Moved to Texas when I was young
Learned to say "folks" and "y'all" like I mean it
In daddy's big mansion

I flew a jet for the guard, didn't need to try hard
And I bought me a baseball team
You can do anything as a millionaire's son
And I'm living the American dream

[dorisday]

Bob Franken..you are priceless! Great piece!

[Ides]

I'm an Ivy Leaguer and my roommate's best friend would crank up the worst country music he could get his hands on before a binge-fest. Just sayin'.