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The DC Tickle Fight

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It's a shame Eric Massa is leaving when he is. Never mind the definite impression he's a wacko, lying sleaze bag; what causes him to stand out in Washington is his acknowledged experience with the "Tickle Fight." He's a regular old Elmo.

By now, we all have heard that's all he was doing to prompt charges he had groped staff members. So at the very moment Democrats are groping for some way to pass health care reform, he bails, just when his expertise would be useful.

Now that he's a former member of Congress and before he goes into rehab, so he can run for re-election, he would be tremendously useful as a TV analyst. He could provide the insider's view on all the moves during the ticklish legislative process ahead and the naked politics in and out of the shower room.

Who knew there were so many Congressional emperors with no clothes on? Sort of makes one long for the days when we compared lawmaking and sausage. At least both would grind something out. Now things have ground to a halt.

Here's how we get things moving. How about a full fledged tickle fight in public. Let's invite C-Span in to see everything. We should place cameras everywhere, including the Capitol gyms.

We probably should assign one to simply follow Rahm Emanuel around to watch all of his moves and, just as important, listen to his every subtle persuasion. That way, we don't have to hear what he's thinking via his favored reporters. We can get it straight from the horse's...uh...mouth.

Here's a thought: We can follow the lead of the news networks and let each official carry his or her own equipment. Think of the money savings, as these one man bands do it all...debate, shoot the video, run the audio, edit their remarks. For that matter, they could interview themselves and have primetime shouting matches with each other without the Glenn Becks and Keith Olbermanns of this world to goad them.

Naaah. Nobody can do so many things at once without the quality seriously suffering. And heaven knows, quality is already in short supply. But hey, if the TV executives don't care, why should anyone else?

Another possibility: Since law enforcement has already blanketed the country we could just take the material from their surveillance. Perhaps we could also have access to the wiretaps of telephone calls between House members, and Senators and the lobbyists who control them by financing their campaigns.

Admit it: You thought this was going to be some silly rambling. Little did you know there were so many creative new ways to get the job done here in Washington, so many untried tactics that could very well break the cycle of failure, or at least alleviate the boredom. And these are just a few ideas. They barely scratch the surface. Or tickle it.