05/31/2011 02:51 pm ET | Updated Jul 31, 2011

Top 10 Ways Mitt Romney Can Redeem Himself With the GOP

When former Governor Mitt Romney signed the landmark Massachusetts health care reform legislation in 2006, he provided health insurance to almost all of his state's citizens. At this point, over 98 percent of all Bay State residents are insured. Of course, this moment of -- gasp! -- demonstrating that he actually cared about people has made Romney a sort of pariah in the Republican Party and ensured that he stands about the same chance I do of ever getting the GOP's presidential nomination.

The guy still wants to be president. But to do that, he must find a way to convince Republicans, Tea Partiers and other right-wing lunatics that he still shares their bedrock values and can be the standard bearer for the kind of society they envision.

And, hey, since Romney has obviously shared some of my liberal ideology for at least a tiny period of his political life, I'm here to help.

So with apologies to David Letterman -- and the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska -- I present my top 10 ways Mitt Romney can redeem himself with the Republican Party:

10. Strangle a kitten on live television.

9. Personally run a fully-loaded oil tanker aground in Gulf Of Mexico.

8. Bolster GOP family-values credentials by leaving wife of 42 years, remarrying, divorcing again and then marrying a much younger woman for number three. (Damn! That's already Gingrich's strategy.)

7. Let Tea Party leadership have sleepover and weenie roast at swank San Diego beach house.

6. Claim he thought his Massachusetts health care program actually did include death panels.

5. Ridicule John McCain's decorated military service at Republican National Convention. (Hey, it killed when they did it to John Kerry.)

4. Teenaged Congressional interns for all Republicans!

3. Make retired elderly work in rock quarries to offset Medicare costs.

2. Agree to wear "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt with arrow pointing at self for first month of campaign.

And the number one thing Mitt Romney can do to redeem himself with the Republican party...

1. Pledge to shave head of beautiful hair if he ever tries to help people again.

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