The Oscars Semi-Live Blog

11:48pm: Oh, I wish this could go on for another 7 hours, but it's time to eat and watch the news. Good night everyone.

11:47pm: Best Picture: Norbit! Just kidding. It's No Country For Old Men. There will be pissed off fans of another film that was nominated.

11:45pm: Best Director: Joel and Ethan Cohen, No Country For Old Men.

11:34pm: Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood.

11:30pm: Helen Mirren is the type of woman who seems so incredibly classy but might also say the word "fuck" at any moment. That also describes Diablo Cody, by the way.

11:25pm: Best Original Screenplay: Diablo Cody, Juno.

11:24pm: How the hell is Harrison Ford going to do all of the stunts in the new Indiana Jones flick?

11:22pm: There are still a few big awards left. This isn't going to be over at 11:30.

11:17pm: Best Documentary Feature: Taxi To The Dark Side.

11:14pm: Nice, having soldiers in Iraq giving the nominees for Best Documentary Short, which goes to Freeheld.

11:10pm: Best Original Score: Atonement.

11:07pm: I just realized I haven't eaten anything since 6pm. I think I have some pizza left in the fridge.

11:03pm: The annual salute to the People Who Died. This always makes me uncomfortable, because the audience claps for famous names and not so much for others. Did they even show Brad Renfro?

11:00pm: Best Cinematography: There Will Be Blood.

10:57pm: Wow, they let Marketa Irglova come back out and finish her acceptance speech. Is that a first for Oscar?

10:52pm: A clip of Steven Spielberg winning for Schindler's List. Did you know he dated Valerie Bertinelli in the 80s? Weird. She's going to talk about it Monday on Oprah.

10:50pm: Best Song: "Falling Slowly" from Once.

10:49pm: John Travolta almost falls down. That would have served him right for dancing in almost all of his movies.

10:43pm: Best Foreign Language Film: The Counterfeiters.

10:35pm: Mother of God, how is it possible that Robert Boyle is still alive? 98 years old. That's great. And he's better dressed and more with it than most of the people here tonight.

10:31pm: Nicole Kidman now looks like someone made up to look like Nicole Kidman.

10:30pm: Best Film Editing: The Bourne Ultimatum. Hey, if it's not going to get the biggie noms, these are the next best thing.

10:27pm: That's right, Forrest Gump won in '94. Jesus.

10:25pm: A montage of Best Picture winners. Have you noticed no one is clapping during these montages tonight?

10:19pm: The Wii looks like fun, but I think I'd be afraid that the controller would slip out of my hand and fly into my TV screen.

10:13pm: Best Actress: OK, who had Marion Cottilard in the Oscar pool?

10:08pm: No wins for Transformers, but Best Picture is still to come.

10:06pm: Best Sound Mixing: The Bourne Ultimatum.

10:03pm: Best Sound Editing: The Bourne Ultimatum.

10:00pm: Seth Rogan IS Dame Judy Dench.

9:54pm: Amy Sedaris, Mary Tyler Moore, Bonnie Hunt...I now have to add Kristin Chenoweth to my wish list.

9:49pm: Best Adapted Screenplay: Joel and Ethan Cohen, No Country For Old Men.

9:46pm: Anyone else remember Josh Brolin from a short-lived TV show in the 80s called Private Eye?

9:45pm: I don't know what sounds more odd, that Jessica Alba is on stage at the Oscars or that she hosted the Scientific and Technical Awards.

9:38pm: Best Supporting Actress: Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton. She looks genuinely shocked. Kudos to her for mentioning Clooney and the Bat-Nipples.

9:35pm: Ruby Dee seems amazed at her own performance clip from American Gangster.

9:33pm: Best Animated Short Film: "Peter and the Wolf." When I was in elementary school, if you finished your work early, your reward was to go into the corner of the classroom and listen to the "Peter and the Wolf" record with headphones. Really.

9:31pm: Oh my God, Jerry Seinfeld and that damn bee are back.

9:30pm: Best Live Action Short Film: Le Mozart Des Pickpockets, which I believe translates to "Mozart Got Laid By A Pickpocket."

9:28pm: Owen Wilson!

9:26pm: Nothing against the song from August Rush, but I'm taking this time to mix another drink. This sentence is brought to you by Hendrick's Gin.

9:19pm: While we're in a commercial break, let me remind everyone that Lindsay Lohan also won an acting award this weekend.

9:17pm: Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem, No Country For Old Men.

9:11pm: Best Art Direction: Sweeney Todd

9:08pm: Best Visual Effects: The Golden Compass.

9:00pm: Amy Adams is singing one of the 33 songs nominated from Enchanted. Strange that she's singing as her Princess character but in regular clothes.

8:57pm: Best Make Up: La Vie En Rose

8:54pm: Best Animated Feature: Ratatouille

8:44pm: Best Costume Design: Elizabeth, The Golden Age.

8:41pm: "Gaydolph Titler." That's going to be someone's screen name before the night is over.

8:35pm: One of those opening montages that make you think "wow, the movies were better years ago."

8:27pm: No, it's not "Xavier" Bardem, Reege.

8:26pm: ABC has a countdown clock in the lower left hand corner. Three and a half minutes! Can you feel the excitement?! (Answer: no)

8:17pm: Reege is interviewing the "oldest Oscars bleacher fan," an 85 year-old who is talking about her very first trip to the Oscars, way way back in...1986.

8:10pm: Alright, I have to start drinking. Gin and tonic here I come.

8:04pm: "Edith Piaf died before you were born!" Shauna Robinson's in-depth observation to Marion Cottilard

8:01pm: Regis Philbin? I think he hosts every other show currently on television (the ones that Seacrest doesn't host).

7:59pm: OK, time to switch over to ABC...

7:41pm: Is that Tilda Swinton or Eric Stoltz?

7:35pm: Sean Puffy Diddy Combs has a new nickname: "The Did."

7:34pm: Seacrest wants to know if Jessica Alba is going to breast feed her kid.

7:22pm: OMG! IT'S HANNAH MONTANA! SHE'S LIKE TOTALLY CUTE AND EVERYTHING! MILY CYRUS 4EVA! OMG!!

7:19pm: Gary Busey just popped up between Seacrest and Jennifer Garner and slapped Seacrest on the back hard. Very weird moment.

7:09pm: There's no way that James McAvoy was ever seriously considered for James Bond. What is he, 5 foot 6? (Actually he's 5 foot 7 - thank you IMDb!

6:55pm: John Travolta now has the painted-on hair of GI Joe. The hell?

6:51pm: E! is showing what different people look like with "The Bardem," Javier Bardem's hairstyle from No Country For Old Men. Personally, as a balding man, I'd go for a Clooney or a Carell or at this point even a Carrot Top.

6:44pm: A producer for a show in the UK has his face directly in Ryan Seacrest's crotch. [Insert your own joke here.]

6:41pm: Yes, I do.

6:40pm: All this talk about dresses and jewelry and fashion, I have to check to make sure I do indeed still have testicles.

6:29pm: I should probably tell you right now that I'm wearing a sweatshirt by Champion, jeans by Levi, and sneakers by Nike.

6:20pm: Wow, I didn't know Steve Buscemi was co-hosting E!'s red carpet coverage. Oh, sorry, that's Ken Baker.

6:15pm: Hello, and welcome to the 2008 Oscars Semi-Live Blog. I don't know what I've gotten myself into by blogging for the next five hours, but I don't have a social life, so let's get going.