There are plenty of blogs where parents share their wit and wisdom. I don't possess much of that, so don't look for it here. But if you want to smile, this might be the place. And it won't start with me, but my 8-year-old twin daughters, who have a natural habit of speaking "off the cuff." And since I don't have a monopoly on funny children, I'm hoping that readers will share their own kids' verbal gems as well.
My girls, Anza and Josie, have uttered things that make me laugh out loud, look at the world through different eyes or rush to cover their mouths before anyone else hears them. I will share some of those conversations with my daughters and give you the opportunity to submit your own kids' quotes so I can include them in coming "Kids Off the Cuff" blogs. (There's an email address below.)
Conversations with my daughters
In the kitchen, just before dinner.
Josie: She moved the chair and made me fall.
Me: I don't think she meant to.
Josie: Well, I'm not going to sit next to her if she doesn't say she's sorry.
Me: I don't think I like an ultimatum like that.
Josie: I'm not an old tomato. Stop calling me an old tomato!
At the top of the stairs, Anza shouts down to her sister.
Anza: Josie! Are these underwear mine now?
Josie: Which ones?
Anza: The "Smart Cookies" -- are they mine now 'cause I threw up on 'em?
I'm driving with Josie in the car. I have to slow down.
Me: That squirrel wasn't moving.
Josie: I've seen a toody squirrel before.
Me: A toody squirrel? What's that?
Josie: It's a squirrel that's 2-D instead of 3-D.
Me: Oh, two dimensions. Where did you see that?
Josie: In the woods. It was on the ground.
Josie: Yep. Dead. Flat. A 2-D squirrel.
I pick up the girls from school. They're in the back seat, discussing friends.
Josie (to Anza): Daddy doesn't know who any of our friends are. Watch this --
Josie (to Me): Daddy, do you know who Samuel Billington is?
Josie (to Anza): See. He doesn't know anybody.
On the way to the American Girl Doll Store with my girls.
Me: Girls, you've had lunch at the American Girl Doll store before, haven't you?
Me: What happens?
Josie: Well, we eat.
The girls keep asking if they can play out back with the neighbor kids, and I keep saying "no."
Finally I have to lay down the law.
Me: Look, playing with the neighbors is not high on my priority list on a school night. It's more important that you're prepared for school tomorrow. It's more important that you do your --
Josie: You made a list?
My girls also say things that come from a distinctly non-adult perspective of the world.
The meaning of life.
Me: Anza, what do you want to do in life?
Anza: Slide down the banister.
During an outdoor pool break at the YMCA.
Me: Girls, here, I got you these ice cream drumsticks. I hope you don't mind that I didn't let you take the money and buy them yourselves.
Anza: No, not at all. Money is just something in the world. It's not special. It's not like something that can turn you into a Mermaid.
In the coming weeks I'll be sharing more of these conversations, but I'd like to make the blog about all kids, not just mine. Please send your funny quotes to firstname.lastname@example.org (If you submit a quote, you are extending permission to publish it. And feel free to leave out information, like last names or geographic locations, to protect your kids' privacy.)
The tooth fairy.
Anza: The tooth fairy left me three dollars. All in quarters.
Me: If you add up all the quarters, how many are there?
Anza: Three dollars worth.
Don't ask if you don't want to know.
Me: Who do you love more, me or Momma?
Josie: Can I have another choice?