Dear Martha,
I was so happy to hear that you, a mature woman and public figure, are actively searching for love on Match.com. It's been a little while, and I was wondering how it's going. As a dating and relationship coach for women over 40, as well as someone who found her husband on Match at age 47, I know that this is the best place to find love and romance. So kudos to you, Martha.
You said it loud and said it proud! Your single status is not a defect. Looking for love online does not mean you are desperate. I happen to know it means the opposite: You are confident, smart and savvy.
Martha, don't listen to those haters out there who post vicious comments like "She's cold and seems so bossy," and "I can't even believe she's interested, so old and such an ice queen!", and the worst of all, "She should give up now, she's too old and it's never going to happen for her." I've helped people connect and fall in love into their 70s... it's never too late.
I, for one, give you huge credit. Aside from blasting confidently to the world that you are actively working to find love, you were actually quite lovely in your interview with Matt Lauer on the Today Show. For the first time, I felt some connection with you.
Are you slightly stiff? Maybe. Are there mistakes in your past? You bet. Are you a bit of a control freak? Most definitely; an avowed one at that. And, honestly, are you getting any younger? Uhhhh... no! All the money and power in the world does not stop father time and, no one, not even Martha Stewart, can avoid growing old alone without taking some action to attract a partner.
I have no doubt that you will get tons of dates. Though it's what you do on those dates that determines if you will find your Mr. I Love You. Like you, Martha, I'm an expert who helps people bring new pleasures into their life. I don't glaze my own pottery or concoct my own artisanal cheese, but I do help women over 40 find smart, sexy, relationship-minded men. I can help you too, but in order to do that I must insist that you take off your "billionaire-media-mogul-I'll crush all-my-competition" hat for a minute and listen up.
For sure, it takes a great deal of ambition, drive, brilliance and competitiveness to reach the heights you've reached in business. How you do all that is extraordinary. But that's exactly what is likely keeping you from meeting Your Man.
Martha -- and you other single 50+ gals who aren't finding love -- I know you didn't ask, but I'm advising: if you want to connect with confident, smart, successful men you simply must drop the boss-lady stuff.
Don't stop reading now. Hear me out.
First, do not buy in to the "men don't like smart women" crap. The men you want are grownups. They are leaders. They have countless achievements and lead full and interesting lives. Not only do these guys want their partner to be a smart and independent, they absolutely require it.
But here's the thing: When a woman is looking for love with man like this, it's her femininity that magnetizes him and keeps him coming back. These men are awash in masculine energy. These "alpha" dudes are attracted to w-o-m-e-n. Kindness, softness and sensuality are what make them feel safe being themselves... and feel like a man.
Fight it all you want, but it's just how this stuff works. It's nature, girlfriend. (As a note, "soft" doesn't mean dumb or subservient and sensual isn't walking around with your boobs hanging out. Together, these simply mean creating a divine, loving place for your man to land. Maybe you can think of it as just being really nice.)
Don't worry, I'm not saying you have to be this super sweet woman 24/7. Be who you are, Martha; just lead with your feminine qualities. Take your passion, compassion and dare I say, vulnerability (I see glimpses of it... I know it's there!), and mix that with all your fantastic-ness. That makes you one hot mama to the alpha male.
Another tip: Resist the urge to compete. Men instinctively need to feel needed and respected. If he's interested in you he is going to try to impress you. Don't write him off as a conceited jerk. Give him the opportunity to puff his feathers a little. An unconscious game of one upsmanship will kill any relationship potential. Let him have his moments. Let him impress you and help you when he can. Take his private jet to Cannes every now and then, even though yours is bigger.
Finally, be a whole person. The grownup man you fancy wants the whole package. He wants your amazing accomplishments and opinions. He'll appreciate your strength and intelligence. But learn the difference between being a partner and lover from being a colleague or friend; he has plenty of those at work. Give him your feminine, kind compassionate energy in equal doses with your intellectual business savvy-side.
So, Martha, play up both the Smart and the Woman. Take your dirty martini making skills and your shiatsu neck massage techniques and, instead of just getting rich off of them, put them to good use with a hot man!
Oh, and Martha, even if this is all a stunt, thank you for talking openly about this topic. Women in their 40s, 50s and beyond have some unique challenges and complicated feelings about being single when they really don't want to be. It helps to see that "even you" want love and are truly going for it. Ignore the haters. It's never too late to learn a few new tricks so you can find lasting, fulfilling grownup love.
Love,
Bobbi