Eliot Spitzer's Biggest Challenge — Winning Back the Trust of His Daughters!

Silda Spitzer looked about as devastated as any human being could be as she stood at her husband Eliot's side while he announced that yes, he had patronized a prostitution ring.

But as awful as this must be for her, there are three other innocent victims of Eliot Spitzer's unseemly behavior — his three teenage daughters, Elyssa, Sarabeth and Jenna. Anyone who has ever been through the experience of having their father choose another woman over their mother, especially if it happened when they were a teenager, knows how traumatic this can be. Whether your father has an affair or anonymous sex, it's all the same and it's even more devastating when the world knows about it.

As Dr. Jenn Berman, psychotherapist and author of The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids, says, "when you're a teenager, it can be embarrassing enough just to be seen in public with your parent, let alone to have all your friends know about your dad's sexual escapades." And in this case, the world knows. There's no school that you can switch even in Timbuktu to, where your classmates aren't going to be whispering."

Aside from the embarrassment factor, the Spitzer girls no doubt feel like a warm, security blanket has been ripped off their backs. "Teens count on their parents to look out for their best interests and to take care of them and their family. Now they've been betrayed," says Dr. Berman. "They've even been betrayed financially. When their father took money that should have been used for their family and instead spent it on his sexual gratification, it's like spending it on drugs."

Most little girls grow up worshiping their fathers. Daddies are big and strong enough to pick you up when you fall down and scrape your knee. They carry you inside when you fall asleep in the car. They teach you how to ride your bike.

In Pictures: Eliot Spitzer With His Daughters

• • • • • • • • New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer orders some food at the New York State Fair on Wednesday, Aug. 29, 2007, in Geddes, N.Y. With him is daughter Jenna and wife Silda. (AP Photo Empire Expo Center, Mike Okoniewski)

And in this case, Eliot Spitzer wasn't just any old terrific dad, he seemed like a genuine and "wonderful white knight rooting out evil," points out Dr. Jacqueline Olds. He put bad guys behind bars. The problem with this is that "it makes him seem like such a hypocrite now and young people have a far lower tolerance for hypocrisy than adults. So it will make it especially hard for them to deal with this," explains Dr. Olds, McLean Hospital psychiatrist and author of the book Marriage in Motion: The Natural Ebb and Flow of Lasting Relationships.

It could also make it hard for the Spitzer daughters to develop their own positive loving relationships with men as they grow up, warns psychiatrist Dr. Carole Lieberman "They're at a time — 13, 15, and 18 — when they're starting to date and finding out that the man they love most has betrayed their mom and family could cause them to distrust any boy they start to get close to, because he may break their hearts," says the author of Bad Boys: Why We Love Them, How to Live With Them and When to Leave Them.

But they aren't totally alone in their boat of private family matters exposed in public. Other daughters have survived this situation, thrived and remained close to their fathers. Chelsea Clinton is remarkably adjusted post Monica Lewinsky. Ivanka Trump couldn't have found it easy when her parents' marriage imploded on the front page of the New York Post. Today she's a successful businesswoman who stars on Donald's hit show, "Celebrity Apprentice." Actor David Hasselhoff's two teenage daughters videotaped their father drunk and incoherent, lying on the floor and the tape was aired around the world. Today he has custody of the girls and apparently a close relationship.

"If Eliot Spitzer has been a good and decent father I believe that even teenage daughters can put this experience in context," asserts psychiatrist Dr. Keith Ablow, author of Living the Truth. In other words, despite the anger and betrayal that his daughters may feel now and for a long time, he can repair his relationship with them. "He must say to them 'I need to understand why I would have taken this risk not just with my own career but with your feelings and I will be there for you 1,000 percent now."

So true. Too often dads that disappoint their families make the betrayal even worse, by abandoning them. So Eliot Spitzer, despite the guilt you're feeling and despite the anger your daughters may express, the last thing you should do is take the "easy" exit from their lives. Even if it means years of personal and family therapy to figure out why you made such a huge mistake, do it. And don't think your girls are better off without you. They're not.

Comments

[kbuffler42]

Eliot Spitzer's daughters have had a reality check for sure. Let's not count them out. They can become victims of their father's unfortunate choices or they can see the situation for what it is and move on. it is possible to hate the behavior and love the person. It is also possible to see the behavior of this one man and find relationships for themselves with more trustworthy partners. The Spitzer children are not to be pitied, diminshed or categorized. They can learn from this, love their parents and move on with their lives. Hopefully the world will allow them the opportunity to do that in private.

[MercedesGabriella]

Sorry Bonnie, I don't agree at all with your attempt to console Eliot Spitzer by saying "don¨t think your girls are better off without you".

Actually, they are. If he has any decency left in him, Spitzer would leave his family so his wife and three daughters could get on with their lives.

My father betrayed my mother throughout their marriage. When I was five, and my mother was laid up for a week in a hospital giving birth and almost dying in the process, along with my baby brother, my father saw this as an occasion to take a vacation with his latest mistress. When I was 13, I opened a letter which had "accidentally" arrived at our home. It was from another mistress. When my mother had finally had enough and divorced my father, it was a relief to everybody.

I actually got along quite well with my father's last mistress - she became wife number 3 - and genuinely mourned her passing last year.

Having an unfaithful man for a father doesn't mean that his daughters will grow up distrustful of men. My boyfriends before marriage were all great guys, and my husband of 35 years is and always has been the love of my life.

[PeteBogs]

"Silda Spitzer looked about as devastated as any human being could be as she stood at her husband Eliot's side while he announced that yes, he had patronized a prostitution ring."

no he didn't... he made some general comments about mistakes he made... it was the same cowardly BS all public figures use - not actually addressing what they did...

I agree with the other commenter who said you may be contributing to the problem by showing a slideshow of the girls... I knew he had daughters, but I didn't really know what they looked like before now... I could've passed them in the street and not known who they were... now I do...

btw, I am not trying to be funny here, but is this one of those scenarios where people bring up the notion of young women "getting back at daddy" by their own behavior with men? sounds like that's what you're suggesting...

[SkimaskBob]

Also, just cause I'm cooking - why on EARTH IS THIS POSTED UNDER ENTERTAINMENT? Are the Spitzer daughters and what they're dealing with somehow entertaining to HuffPo? Seriously guys, what is going on over there?

[LucyC]

What he said...both times. "Unwittingly?" I think not. Yer onna roll, Bob.

[SkimaskBob]

this is an exceedingly strange argument ... you lament the daughters position in the spotlight, and what it must be like (which, if anyone remembers high school, will be, to say the least, tough). However by writing about it, by SHOWING A SLIDE SHOW OF THE GIRLS, you (i hope) unwittingly throw them directly into that media spotlight. Did people toss up slide shows of Chelsea Clinton during the impeachment? No, because her parents made it abundantly clear (and thankfully the media showed some dignity by respecting their wishes) that Chelsea was not to given undue attention and stress because of the actions of her father. Seriously HuffPo, I'm on here all the time. But this kind of hand wringing over the Spitzer daughters while simultaneously putting them in the direct glare of the media spotlight shows a real lack of, well, class.

[darker]

Moral:

Americans punish SEX but NOT CORRUPTION.
Sex is bad but corruption is --OKAY?
And Republicans EXEMPT FROM INVESTIGATION.
WIRETAPPING is about catching Democrats & others.

What's all the FBI, CIA WIRETAPPING all about?
Why are middle-income Americans paying for a FOR PROFIT Iraq invasion that benefits
the "nanny state for the rich & corporate welfare queens" liek Big Oil, war profiteers and Cheney's CORRUPT Halliburton Corp.?

It's time for CORRUPT guys like JOE BRUNO to be swarmed by media and INVESTIGATED BY F.B.I. for his chronic CORRUPTION.

CORRUPT power-guys "on-the-take" for decades, like Joe Bruno who has siphoned out our tax money--WHY is he still boss in ALBANY NY?
How stupid are we?

NYState Legislature's CORRUPT JOE BRUNO shoud go next.

Enough of Bruno's manipulations, posing as the FAKE "innocent farm boy" and his lies and corruption. Bruno has been at his nasty game long enough. He has paralyzed the NYState Legislature for many years.

It's time for Bruno to go. The FBI should INVESTIGATE Bruno's corrupt practices. Or are Republicans EXEMPT FROM INVESTIGATION? What's all the WIRETAPPING all about?
Getting DIRT on everybody else?

The spotlight has been focused on Spitzer, but now it's time to
refocus on JOE BRUNO whose time is way past "over" in the NYS Legislature.

The Spitzer debacle should NOT DISTRACT us from the CORRUPTION we need to oust in Albany NY LEGISLATURE.

[MikeDu]

You are making some mighty unseemly assumptions. Admit it, you don't *really* have a clue about Spitzer's daughers' opinion of or insight into their father. You don't *really* have a clue about his daughters' relation to the opposite sex before this episode, or any informed insight into their future relations with the opposite sex afterwar. And you have no evidence that Spitzer is about to 'abandon' his daughters, as you put it.

[tinec02]

Why is it that those in the spotlight- politicians or celebrities- always seem to put their career first and their family second? If they thought of their families FIRST, instead of themselves, maybe they could avoid scandal. Hey, it works for the rest of the world.

[bronxite1957]

It doesn't seem lik Silda puts her kids first either- any time any mag has done a profile on her all it talks about is her work ethic and her charity, barely even mentioning her kids' names.

[PhillyQuaker]

May have been the smart thing actually, play down the kids. Spitzer has a lot of enemies...

[JohnnyCanuck99]

the rest of the (western) world doesn't put their kids first. they put their kids in front of the tv with prepackaged/fast food while they live their "busy, work-a-day" lives, while still managing to average 25 hours a week of tv

[saami]

His daughters actually need him and his love more than ever. Dads are their daughters first love. Dads can do anything. They tell you that you are pretty and you are pretty. They tell you that you are smart and you are smart. He has his work cut out for him. But absolutely he must put them first and help them past this pain.

[castlerider]

This really breaks my heart, seeing things from the young girl's point of view.

I'm not judging the guy, he's getting plenty of that already, in fact, as a guy, I get the impulse to look the other way, not because I don't care but because its just so damn embarassing for him, it has to be. Sure he was a dumb-ass, but, I don't need to even mention that.

But for the young girl(s), it's life-changing.

It stands to reason that if there's a story written about this kind of thing, it should be totally from the young girl's point of view, to have the really total lasting effects that a good story should have.
I hope that as a family, they can heal up quickly.

[bnewbs]

I agree. If Silda wants to stand by her husband then let her- we don't need news outlets like TODAY preaching about how she's a strong woman just because she hasn't dumped him (yet). The daughters are the real victims- they're just kids! Growing up is hard, now imagine growing up not only being the Governor's daughter but having daddy do THIS.