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New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer orders some food at the New York State Fair on Wednesday, Aug. 29, 2007, in Geddes, N.Y. With him is daughter Jenna and wife Silda. (AP Photo Empire Expo Center, Mike Okoniewski)
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Silda Spitzer looked about as devastated as any human being could be as she stood at her husband Eliot's side while he announced that yes, he had patronized a prostitution ring.
But as awful as this must be for her, there are three other innocent victims of Eliot Spitzer's unseemly behavior — his three teenage daughters, Elyssa, Sarabeth and Jenna. Anyone who has ever been through the experience of having their father choose another woman over their mother, especially if it happened when they were a teenager, knows how traumatic this can be. Whether your father has an affair or anonymous sex, it's all the same and it's even more devastating when the world knows about it.
As Dr. Jenn Berman, psychotherapist and author of The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids, says, "when you're a teenager, it can be embarrassing enough just to be seen in public with your parent, let alone to have all your friends know about your dad's sexual escapades." And in this case, the world knows. There's no school that you can switch even in Timbuktu to, where your classmates aren't going to be whispering."
Aside from the embarrassment factor, the Spitzer girls no doubt feel like a warm, security blanket has been ripped off their backs. "Teens count on their parents to look out for their best interests and to take care of them and their family. Now they've been betrayed," says Dr. Berman. "They've even been betrayed financially. When their father took money that should have been used for their family and instead spent it on his sexual gratification, it's like spending it on drugs."
Most little girls grow up worshiping their fathers. Daddies are big and strong enough to pick you up when you fall down and scrape your knee. They carry you inside when you fall asleep in the car. They teach you how to ride your bike.
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New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer orders some food at the New York State Fair on Wednesday, Aug. 29, 2007, in Geddes, N.Y. With him is daughter Jenna and wife Silda. (AP Photo Empire Expo Center, Mike Okoniewski)
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And in this case, Eliot Spitzer wasn't just any old terrific dad, he seemed like a genuine and "wonderful white knight rooting out evil," points out Dr. Jacqueline Olds. He put bad guys behind bars. The problem with this is that "it makes him seem like such a hypocrite now and young people have a far lower tolerance for hypocrisy than adults. So it will make it especially hard for them to deal with this," explains Dr. Olds, McLean Hospital psychiatrist and author of the book Marriage in Motion: The Natural Ebb and Flow of Lasting Relationships.
It could also make it hard for the Spitzer daughters to develop their own positive loving relationships with men as they grow up, warns psychiatrist Dr. Carole Lieberman "They're at a time — 13, 15, and 18 — when they're starting to date and finding out that the man they love most has betrayed their mom and family could cause them to distrust any boy they start to get close to, because he may break their hearts," says the author of Bad Boys: Why We Love Them, How to Live With Them and When to Leave Them.
But they aren't totally alone in their boat of private family matters exposed in public. Other daughters have survived this situation, thrived and remained close to their fathers. Chelsea Clinton is remarkably adjusted post Monica Lewinsky. Ivanka Trump couldn't have found it easy when her parents' marriage imploded on the front page of the New York Post. Today she's a successful businesswoman who stars on Donald's hit show, "Celebrity Apprentice." Actor David Hasselhoff's two teenage daughters videotaped their father drunk and incoherent, lying on the floor and the tape was aired around the world. Today he has custody of the girls and apparently a close relationship.
"If Eliot Spitzer has been a good and decent father I believe that even teenage daughters can put this experience in context," asserts psychiatrist Dr. Keith Ablow, author of Living the Truth. In other words, despite the anger and betrayal that his daughters may feel now and for a long time, he can repair his relationship with them. "He must say to them 'I need to understand why I would have taken this risk not just with my own career but with your feelings and I will be there for you 1,000 percent now."
So true. Too often dads that disappoint their families make the betrayal even worse, by abandoning them. So Eliot Spitzer, despite the guilt you're feeling and despite the anger your daughters may express, the last thing you should do is take the "easy" exit from their lives. Even if it means years of personal and family therapy to figure out why you made such a huge mistake, do it. And don't think your girls are better off without you. They're not.
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Actually, they are. If he has any decency left in him, Spitzer would leave his family so his wife and three daughters could get on with their lives.
My father betrayed my mother throughout their marriage. When I was five, and my mother was laid up for a week in a hospital giving birth and almost dying in the process, along with my baby brother, my father saw this as an occasion to take a vacation with his latest mistress. When I was 13, I opened a letter which had "accidentally" arrived at our home. It was from another mistress. When my mother had finally had enough and divorced my father, it was a relief to everybody.
I actually got along quite well with my father's last mistress - she became wife number 3 - and genuinely mourned her passing last year.
Having an unfaithful man for a father doesn't mean that his daughters will grow up distrustful of men. My boyfriends before marriage were all great guys, and my husband of 35 years is and always has been the love of my life.
no he didn't... he made some general comments about mistakes he made... it was the same cowardly BS all public figures use - not actually addressing what they did...
I agree with the other commenter who said you may be contributing to the problem by showing a slideshow of the girls... I knew he had daughters, but I didn't really know what they looked like before now... I could've passed them in the street and not known who they were... now I do...
btw, I am not trying to be funny here, but is this one of those scenarios where people bring up the notion of young women "getting back at daddy" by their own behavior with men? sounds like that's what you're suggesting...
Americans punish SEX but NOT CORRUPTION.
Sex is bad but corruption is --OKAY?
And Republicans EXEMPT FROM INVESTIGATION.
WIRETAPPING is about catching Democrats & others.
What's all the FBI, CIA WIRETAPPING all about?
Why are middle-income Americans paying for a FOR PROFIT Iraq invasion that benefits
the "nanny state for the rich & corporate welfare queens" liek Big Oil, war profiteers and Cheney's CORRUPT Halliburton Corp.?
It's time for CORRUPT guys like JOE BRUNO to be swarmed by media and INVESTIGATED BY F.B.I. for his chronic CORRUPTION.
CORRUPT power-guys "on-the-take" for decades, like Joe Bruno who has siphoned out our tax money--WHY is he still boss in ALBANY NY?
How stupid are we?
NYState Legislature's CORRUPT JOE BRUNO shoud go next.
Enough of Bruno's manipulations, posing as the FAKE "innocent farm boy" and his lies and corruption. Bruno has been at his nasty game long enough. He has paralyzed the NYState Legislature for many years.
It's time for Bruno to go. The FBI should INVESTIGATE Bruno's corrupt practices. Or are Republicans EXEMPT FROM INVESTIGATION? What's all the WIRETAPPING all about?
Getting DIRT on everybody else?
The spotlight has been focused on Spitzer, but now it's time to
refocus on JOE BRUNO whose time is way past "over" in the NYS Legislature.
The Spitzer debacle should NOT DISTRACT us from the CORRUPTION we need to oust in Albany NY LEGISLATURE.
I'm not judging the guy, he's getting plenty of that already, in fact, as a guy, I get the impulse to look the other way, not because I don't care but because its just so damn embarassing for him, it has to be. Sure he was a dumb-ass, but, I don't need to even mention that.
But for the young girl(s), it's life-changing.
It stands to reason that if there's a story written about this kind of thing, it should be totally from the young girl's point of view, to have the really total lasting effects that a good story should have.
I hope that as a family, they can heal up quickly.