My Dead Mom Wants to Be Dug Up

I never realized that trying to get a headstone for my mother's grave would be a full-time job. At least, that's what it must require to be successful. Since I haven't been able to accomplish that yet, I can only guess that to actually get a gravestone selected, engraved and placed on a grave, must necessitate quitting whatever you do to earn a living, canceling out of all your children's assorted baseball and soccer games and giving up on sleeping and eating.

I say this because despite my best efforts and hours spent leaving messages or being put on hold... forever, I have been unable to even order a grave marker from the specifically required headstone supplier that my mom's cemetery will accept.

What's fascinating about this, is that Jewish tradition -- my family is Jewish -- requires that you hold a funeral and bury your deceased loved one superfast -- usually within two days of their passing.

But once that milestone is accomplished, the whole urgency factor evaporates. Jewish tradition prescribes that you wait several months before holding a ceremony to "unveil" the headstone, which is then placed upon the grave. I'm not sure why, there is supposed to be this waiting period but now I'm beginning to see the "unveiling" in a whole new light.

It isn't merely a sombre event of remembrance -- it's more like a relief ceremony. People have clearly overcome innumerable hurdles to get that gravestone on the grave -- they need to celebrate their success.

I say that because I can't even get the Benjamin Landmark Memorial and yes, I'm naming names here, to return my phone calls to discuss my mom's headstone order. First of all, the place is never open. It's closed days like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and oh yes, Friday. I've heard rumors that it's open on Sundays. It's also closed on holidays I've never heard of and can't pronounce. If it is open, the only person that you apparently can talk to isn't in that day.

After a a few months of my mounting frustration, my husband Michael agreed to give it a go. He thought I was kidding or inept. Now he's also shaking his head.

He did after multiple phone calls -- we live in New York, the cemetery is in Toronto -- get through finally to some guy named Howard. Basically, Howard told him that NO, we couldn't do anything special, artistic, carved or sculptured on the headstone, that my mom would have loved. NO we couldn't have anything but the standard size of 2' by 2'. And NO, we couldn't have too many words carved on it either. If you wanted a short, squat, plain gray headstone with a giant Star of David and her name -- that they could do.

I have to admit that I haven't spent a lot of time in graveyards particularly modern ones, but one of the most charming aspects of the older cemeteries I've walked through is the variety of the shape, size and inscribed effects on the tombstones. The fact that they are personalized has always seemed loving and beautiful to me.

So why does the Holy Blossom Memorial Park in Toronto have so many rules? Who decided that gravestones that were all nondescript, one shape and size, the regulated way to go? Why is there cemetery dictatorship? It feels so Mao Tse-Tung to me. Apparently, one other poor family attempted to bend the headstone rules and they ended up with their "unique' tombstone, sitting in a shed... while they butted heads in litigation with the cemetery, FOR TWO YEARS!

Now I can understand when you have a memorial park like Flanders Fields with its miles of simple, white crosses, that the conceptualizers were going for a striking effect. But rows of short, squat grey headstones doesn't say spiritual to me.

I'm wondering though who are the strident advocates for dull, uniformity at my mother's cemetery. It's not like people are saying "I refuse to be buried there if you allow mixing of different tombstone styles... I'd rather die than be buried next to a taller one. Wait, no, it's I won't die, if I'm going to be buried next to some individualistic headstone."

Now maybe I just hit the reason for the lack of responsiveness to my and Michael's attempts to order a tombstone. Cemeteries truly are a recession-proof business. No matter what the economy is doing, people keep on dying at the same rates. Dying is one thing most people can't cut back on, like their heating bill. So cemetery operators don't feel the need to compete. They can treat grieving relatives with callous disregard. It doesn't matter -- after all, what are you going to do to protest? Get cremated?

In the meantime, we have finally thrown up our hands on trying to create a more beautiful sculpted headstone that reflects my mother's love of nature and art. We did the best we could with the standard choices, ticking off all the boxes on the headstone order form that we finally obtained.

Michael faxed it in over a month ago. He's now left 45 messages trying to follow up with Howard to make sure that our order is underway. But no luck on a returned call.

Since especially after this blog, my poor mom is probably going tombstone-less forever or until I get really rich and can have her dug up and moved somewhere more dead-friendly, we have decided on an alternative plan. Since we know my mother's spirit isn't hanging around that cemetery anyway -- it's in nosebleed country -- and we feel her presence in our home, we're commissioning a memorial sculpture in her memory to place in our garden, which she loved.

Sorry Ma, that we've been headstone failures so far. We just hope you're laughing along with us at the ridiculousness of this situation.

But if any of you who read this have had similar experiences and have advice on how to successfully overcome this headstone impasse, my husband and I, and I'm sure that my mom as well, are all ears! Please share! And when her new gorgeous marker is ready and planted in our garden, we'll toast her with a glass of chardonnay and chocolate, which she'll love!

My husband and niece are raising money for cancer research in memory of my mom Tanya, with the Ride to Conquer Cancer. If you can, please donate!

Follow me on Twitter at twitter.com/bonniefuller.

Comments

[spashilk]

By the time they got around to getting my sons plaque this valentines day, the had lost him.
They don' t know where he is buried and won't believe me. They misplaced my husbands cremains in 84. I am sure you are dealing with SCI, the largest funeral service co in the world along with Dignity Memorials. They just paid a $100,000,000. for a class action lawsuit involving a Jewish cemetary in Florida. They have lawsuits from all over for letting bodies rot ,losing bodies, moving without asking or telling, burying babies only inches underground so that wild animals were trying to did her up, digging up old graves and reselling the plots,etc. If you check you will probably find out that your 'local' funeral home is owned by SCI. Most are.

Google SCI/lawsuits.

When they lost my husband my boys were 4 and 7 and I just wanted the problem solved. Had to get the State involved but we got it fixed.
This time I'm MAD. So I went to an atty. We filed. Then I googled and discovered that $100,000,000. didn't even slow them down. They got the Katrina and Ike contracts ( headquartered in Houston
and a Bush Buddy) and have disposed of bodies in mass unmarked graves.These people are committing atrocities every day and ID don'nt know how to stop them.

[DesertTruth]

Well, I feel for your difficulty. I've seen plenty of loss myself over the last 10 years, but thankfully in most cases I never had to deal with much of actually preparation work. I don't deal with that stuff well, and I'm better as the steady shoulder for people to cry on.
It's mainly because of that and my own love of nature, that I've come up with a new tradition for myself and any members of my family who are interested. My personal wish is to be cremated. After that I want only a small portion of the ashes to be retained for a family memorial. The rest I want to be mixed with the soil of a freshly planted tree. Preferably something that flowers ^^
I came up with the idea when I was in the sixth grade. The death of a grandparent and adult conversation around me made me go ahead and think about what I would like, and for some reason it's never changed.

I understand that situation you're currently going through. I just really think that if you're a person who wants to be able to still feel connected, as many do, in that way - if there's even some small way you can eventually make your own experience more personal and the grieving a bit easier, then you should really try for it. Graves and memorials aren't about aesthetics, they are about sympathy for the family and remembrance of a person - not just

[DesertTruth]

Ahem- it cut off the last 2 while I wasn't looking... I meant and not just the remembrance of a person's name.

[myjs]

Who picked that cemetery? Mom? Maybe she wanted something simple. If you wanted something different then you should have picked a different cemetery.

[larry278]

To be snide, I buried my parents naked & face down. There are 2 benefits to doing that for me: If I visit their graves-I have a place to park my motor cycle & if they try to dig out from their grave-they will go deeper into the ground. They could be lazy so I don't think that either 1 would bother to turn in a grave. The cemetary won't allow the use of stones. Each of them have a cast bronze marker above their grave-so my lawyer told me. When you have toxic parents, you still have to dispose of their remains. As for deceased relatives, I have no contact with any of my relatives. They live in fly over country. I live in the east.
There are people who never want to be reminded in any way of either parent.
Your way of creating a memorial is practical. You are able to put a stone on the grave marker often. But check with your Rabbi to be safe.

[huffyISaHottie]

LOL....you are a sick puppy

[larry278]

& you, huffyISaHottie, are an aging K9? My parents were convinced that I'd make pilgrimages to their grave sites often. Since they are dead, they have no way of knowing what happens on earth. Going to a dying, factory, town in fly-over country's rust belt would be a bummer. I stay in air conditioned comfort in SE Pa. I've paid for my corpse to be cremated. I've asked my undertaker to put my remains in the ash barrel at the bottom of a west bound lane of I-280 outside Milburn, NJ. My remains might enable a driver to get out of NJ during a snow storm. That warms the cockles of my heart when I think of that. Since it's 80 degrees f in Allentown, I don't need to be warmed in the cockles of my heart or heart of my cockles. I think that I'll have another big glass of iced tea & end my blithering

[NHBill]

Everything about death has to be funneled through the funeral directors. That's why the headstone people are being difficult. This whole industry is going through massive changes as more and more people do not feel the need for expensive and elaborate end of life rituals. I've told my loved ones that I want a 'Lebowski" service. Just make sure to check which way the wind blows.

[kaptap]

So sorry for your loss. I do like the idea of having a memorial at your home where you can enjoy it. We were lucky to find a great cemetery when my brother died. For my parents and I, the only place that we could think of was that huge, ugly and coldly commercial cemetery where only flat stones are allowed. I knew I couldn't bury my little brother there. Our funeral director recommended this little historic graveyard - its hidden away where I'm sure most people don't even know its there. Some of the graves are from the 1850's when our area was first being settled. It's co-owned by all of us, the relatives who own the plots, and there's a trust set up. The have a few rules, but definitely encourage individuality, and they take care to keep up the older graves. Every year, they hold a meeting where we can make suggestions for improvements or vote on changes. But I also like the idea of green burials - there's a great book called "Remember Me" about our changing funeral rites and traditions in the US - I recommend it.

[KennethBowen]

I you replace "headstone for my Mother's grave" with "paint our front door," the cemetery sounds just like our Home Owners Association!

Your plan of placing a memorial in the garden sounds wonderful.

[cinemaven]

Sorry for your loss Bonnie, I think the sculpture is a wonderful idea.

We lost my wonderful artist mother-in-law last year and she was cremated. When we got to the funeral home, they showed us an assortment of boxes to hold her ashes and they were hideous and ridiculously expensive so we went shopping and found the most amazing painted wooden box at Winners for $19... the funeral home was VERY disapproving but she would have loved it. We buried her at a heritage cemetary in Caledon that had just opened a few spaces. It's glorious and when we got there to bury her, the groundskeeper wasn't there yet so her sons got to do the honours. There was so much laughter and a feeling that she was happily at rest. We haven't yet worked on a monument because we want to do something that will fit with the stones already there.

[RustNeverSleeps]

Bonnie, I am so sorry for your loss.

My father-in-law, who was truly like a father to me, died a few weeks ago. You could drive a truck through my heart right now. You and I both know that we will get better with time, but it doesn't seem that way right now.

My father-in-law's body was cremated and as far as I know there weren't any hassles. (The way it should be.) My wife and I both plan to be cremated too.

[Imzadi]

Cremation.

[johnie2xs]

That's the way.

Sorry for your loss, Bonnie

[mlaiuppa]

Locally here you get a little stone set flush into the ground. This is so they can mow over it easily with the riding mowers. Unless you get right on top of the cemetary and look down, from a distance it just looks like a big green park with a few trees. You have no idea it's a cemetary. Except it's in the middle of a not so great neighborhood. And has a fence around it.

I remember visiting my grandparents' plot in Heumaden, Germany. It was small, because they bury the urns, and surrounded by a little fence. In that cemetary all of the plots were unique. Some had difference stones. And all had different flowers planted permanently. They were like little pocket gardens. The families came out on Sundays to picnic and maintain the plants. It was lovely.

I had our cookie cutter bland monotonous cemetaries.

I'm going to have myself cremated and my ashes scattered.

But I do love the idea of the new eco-friendly cemetaries. You're not embalmed and placed in a biodegradeable box. You're buried with a GPS unit. If your loved ones want to find you, they get a GPS to locate where you've decomposed. I kinda like that.

[Sylvarose]

Bonnie,

Sorry for your loss. I wanted to cremate my mother and scatter her in Vermont which she loved. My Aunt objected. We compromised; we created her then opened the plot of a relative and buried the ashes there.

Personally..I say fight for green cemeteries in your community. That's my preference..a green burial..no headstone..no embalming..no expensive casket..(http://www.greenburials.org/). In lieu of that...cremation (but make sure teeth with mercury filling are yanked first).

SR

[truthartbeauty]

You are right. this is the last area where there need to be such tight pointless cold inhuman rules! its like everything else, it will be regulated to death ( no pun) and before long only one shade of gray will be allowed. a cemetary does not need to be laid out in rows and rows of identical anything unless it is specifically a military cemetary.

[ashisu]

I'm so sorry for your loss, but I commend you on being able to have a sense of humor about the situation. I've never had to deal with a cemetary or gravestone company, but I have had similar encounters with businesses and institutions that are excruciatingly uncooperative. I work in customer service and know that when you piss off just one customer, word of it spreads fast, and you end up losing at least a dozen other potential clients as a result. By spreading the word of your experience, you are doing exactly what you should. Good for you!

[Virginia Plain]

Sincere condolences Bonnie, on the loss of your beloved mother. If your mum had a sense of humour like you, she is hopefully seeing the funny side of this ridiculous carry on.

It seems like we are all living in a "nanny state" wherever we are in the world. Where I live, people are no longer allowed to plant hedges, or put fences around the gardens of their own homes. The graveyard where my parents are buried does not allow the purchase plots in advance (everyone is buried in the strict order in which they died), no headstone is to be over 3 feet in height and no surrounds are allowed on the graves.

I am reminded of the song " And they all get put in boxes, little boxes all the same. There's a green one and a pink one, a blue one and a yellow one and they're all made out of tickey-tackey and they all look just the same".

For the fun of it, why not gather a party of family, friends and a photgrapher from the local press, Give them shovels and get them all to stand around your mum's grave threatening to "dig her up" if the problem of the headstone is not sorted out!

Gone indeed are the days when you could have an inscription like the one in an old graveyard in Belfast. "Here lies the body of Willie-John. The bicycle stopped but he went on".