My Dead Mom Wants to Be Dug Up

I never realized that trying to get a headstone for my mother's grave would be a full-time job. At least, that's what it must require to be successful. Since I haven't been able to accomplish that yet, I can only guess that to actually get a gravestone selected, engraved and placed on a grave, must necessitate quitting whatever you do to earn a living, canceling out of all your children's assorted baseball and soccer games and giving up on sleeping and eating.

I say this because despite my best efforts and hours spent leaving messages or being put on hold... forever, I have been unable to even order a grave marker from the specifically required headstone supplier that my mom's cemetery will accept.

What's fascinating about this, is that Jewish tradition -- my family is Jewish -- requires that you hold a funeral and bury your deceased loved one superfast -- usually within two days of their passing.

But once that milestone is accomplished, the whole urgency factor evaporates. Jewish tradition prescribes that you wait several months before holding a ceremony to "unveil" the headstone, which is then placed upon the grave. I'm not sure why, there is supposed to be this waiting period but now I'm beginning to see the "unveiling" in a whole new light.

It isn't merely a sombre event of remembrance -- it's more like a relief ceremony. People have clearly overcome innumerable hurdles to get that gravestone on the grave -- they need to celebrate their success.

I say that because I can't even get the Benjamin Landmark Memorial and yes, I'm naming names here, to return my phone calls to discuss my mom's headstone order. First of all, the place is never open. It's closed days like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and oh yes, Friday. I've heard rumors that it's open on Sundays. It's also closed on holidays I've never heard of and can't pronounce. If it is open, the only person that you apparently can talk to isn't in that day.

After a a few months of my mounting frustration, my husband Michael agreed to give it a go. He thought I was kidding or inept. Now he's also shaking his head.

He did after multiple phone calls -- we live in New York, the cemetery is in Toronto -- get through finally to some guy named Howard. Basically, Howard told him that NO, we couldn't do anything special, artistic, carved or sculptured on the headstone, that my mom would have loved. NO we couldn't have anything but the standard size of 2' by 2'. And NO, we couldn't have too many words carved on it either. If you wanted a short, squat, plain gray headstone with a giant Star of David and her name -- that they could do.

I have to admit that I haven't spent a lot of time in graveyards particularly modern ones, but one of the most charming aspects of the older cemeteries I've walked through is the variety of the shape, size and inscribed effects on the tombstones. The fact that they are personalized has always seemed loving and beautiful to me.

So why does the Holy Blossom Memorial Park in Toronto have so many rules? Who decided that gravestones that were all nondescript, one shape and size, the regulated way to go? Why is there cemetery dictatorship? It feels so Mao Tse-Tung to me. Apparently, one other poor family attempted to bend the headstone rules and they ended up with their "unique' tombstone, sitting in a shed... while they butted heads in litigation with the cemetery, FOR TWO YEARS!

Now I can understand when you have a memorial park like Flanders Fields with its miles of simple, white crosses, that the conceptualizers were going for a striking effect. But rows of short, squat grey headstones doesn't say spiritual to me.

I'm wondering though who are the strident advocates for dull, uniformity at my mother's cemetery. It's not like people are saying "I refuse to be buried there if you allow mixing of different tombstone styles... I'd rather die than be buried next to a taller one. Wait, no, it's I won't die, if I'm going to be buried next to some individualistic headstone."

Now maybe I just hit the reason for the lack of responsiveness to my and Michael's attempts to order a tombstone. Cemeteries truly are a recession-proof business. No matter what the economy is doing, people keep on dying at the same rates. Dying is one thing most people can't cut back on, like their heating bill. So cemetery operators don't feel the need to compete. They can treat grieving relatives with callous disregard. It doesn't matter -- after all, what are you going to do to protest? Get cremated?

In the meantime, we have finally thrown up our hands on trying to create a more beautiful sculpted headstone that reflects my mother's love of nature and art. We did the best we could with the standard choices, ticking off all the boxes on the headstone order form that we finally obtained.

Michael faxed it in over a month ago. He's now left 45 messages trying to follow up with Howard to make sure that our order is underway. But no luck on a returned call.

Since especially after this blog, my poor mom is probably going tombstone-less forever or until I get really rich and can have her dug up and moved somewhere more dead-friendly, we have decided on an alternative plan. Since we know my mother's spirit isn't hanging around that cemetery anyway -- it's in nosebleed country -- and we feel her presence in our home, we're commissioning a memorial sculpture in her memory to place in our garden, which she loved.

Sorry Ma, that we've been headstone failures so far. We just hope you're laughing along with us at the ridiculousness of this situation.

But if any of you who read this have had similar experiences and have advice on how to successfully overcome this headstone impasse, my husband and I, and I'm sure that my mom as well, are all ears! Please share! And when her new gorgeous marker is ready and planted in our garden, we'll toast her with a glass of chardonnay and chocolate, which she'll love!

My husband and niece are raising money for cancer research in memory of my mom Tanya, with the Ride to Conquer Cancer. If you can, please donate!

Follow me on Twitter at twitter.com/bonniefuller.

Comments

[llisa]

Bonnie, I am sorry for your loss.

My Dad was generous to all of us all his life, and that didn't change with his death. He asked to be cremated and scattered in a place where we had all made many wonderful memories. He knew that his daughters, granddaughters and brothers were scattered across the country and didn't want any of us to feel obligated to visit and bring flowers to a graveyard.

My sisters and uncles and I met up several months after his death and made a trip to the place he wanted to be scattered (and where he had scattered Mom's ashes four years before) and, though it was a sad occasion, it was also a trip down memory lane. We walked the area and reminisced all afternoon, then had lunch at a quaint little place and talked some more.

My dad was a wise man. We are all planning to follow in his footsteps.

[deebles]

This is an important reminder to anyone that we are not mind readers and we are not fortune tellers. When my son attended my grandfather's funeral, he mentioned that he would not like to be buried in the ground like that. Such a help when he suddenly died after a surgery at twenty. He now rests in all the places he loved. My only problem is my mother who thinks that the lack of a grave is my big problem, since he's been dead for two and a half years.

[chrisfromky]

Unfortuneatly Bonnie it is sounding like that these are the rules of the cemetary and maybe you should have looked into it a little better before putting your mom there. I don't mean that in a rude way but it seems to be the new trend in these corporate cemetarys. When my grandmother died a few years ago she had everything pre-planned except for the head stone. We also wanted something nice and original and were willing to pay for that but we soon learned the only type of marker you could have was a flat to the ground bronze marker. I mean its nice and all but the entire place is like that. If you think about it the reason they probably do it is because they can ride over them with the lawnmowers and dont have to weed eat. Sorry to hear of your troubles I hope it works out for you.

[mlaiuppa]

If Bonnie's Mother bought her own plot, Bonnie had no control over the rules or choices.

Personally, I think the custom statue in the garden their mother loved is a much better tribute and remembrance.

[lieslgee]

Bless your heart, Bonnie. First of all, thank you for acknowledging that losing a parent is hard.

When my father died suddenly, my mom bought a double-decker package deal that included the marker. They have to be flat so the cemetery can mow over them, but there is a pot for flowers that turns upside down into the marker. There was one place on the marker for personalizing it, so when mom died all we had to do was add her date to the marker.

[crowepps]

"what are you going to do to protest? Get cremated?"

Yep, absolutely. My kids can take the thousands of dollars saved and put it in my grandchildren's college account.

[Arizonarutz]

Losing a parent, even as an adult, is pretty sobering. And the whole funeral-mortuary-cemetery trifecta can really take a lot out of you. When my Dad died suddenly in 2001 in my hometown of Phoenix, my brothers and I just went to the "family" mortuary Whitney-Murphy, where everyone in my childhood parish goes to. They took care of everything. They did a great job-- if you can say that with the whole death of a parent experience. We ordered a headstone, beautiful, nicely inscribed. It arrived. No drama. I actually visit my Dad's gravesite and the headstone looks lovely. Feel free to call them. I am sure that they can ship to Toronto.

[fishgirl26]

Oh Bonnie...when my mom died we knew she wanted to be cremated. We had to find something to put her in because an urn just wasn't "her"..so we went to the garage and found a flower pot that had sunflowers painted on it and a bright $1.99 sticker on the bottom. To me, my dad and sister...it was perfect. When we brought mom home from the service (which had green and red chile lights strung around the funeral home..she loved christmas and loved new mexico...and also served mimosas and hours d' vours cause that was my mom) my uncle tried removing the sticker. My dad said "What in the h#ll to you think you're doing" My uncle says "The sticker looks horrible" My dad says "If there is one thing Vicki loved it was a bargain and you know right now she's saying "can you believe it? My urn was a $1.99!!!!!!!!!!"" We later took mom to a place where there was water running and wildflowers as she had told us so often to do. We spread her ashes and my dad put a small tree in the flower pot and planted it in his yard. We now have our tree. Although I know mom is around alot (in spirit) it's still nice to have something close and I imagine your memorial in your garden will make you so happy.

[truthartbeauty]

that is the way it should be done!