THE BLOG
10/17/2012 01:33 pm ET Updated Dec 17, 2012

Binders

Mitt Romney revealed a McKinsey-like regard for women's issues in the second presidential debate when discussing his Binders Full of Women. Breakthrough investigative journalism has uncovered several more binders that inform and help define the Romney candidacy. Sources tell me that these collections represent campaign policy bibles that shape major points of the Romney platform.

Binder full of know-how

Sub-titled "I know how to do that," this notebook presents inspiring affirmations that are startlingly absent of specific knowledge.

Binder full of slackers

An immense and encyclopedic series of densely packed volumes containing over 146 million pages. A sticky note inside the front cover reads, "Question for research team: could it be 48 percent?"

Binder full of puppets

As expected, Big Bird is featured prominently in this strategy book. Other puppetry targets are identified as future budget-cutting emblems: Crow T. Robot, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and Lamb Chop. A special page is given over to Howdy Doody, whose picture is covered in heart stickers.

Binder full of ex-presidents

Differentiation research. Curiously, each of the 44 pages carries the same single sentence: "Different man in different times."

Binder full of investments

A whopping big book. One hastily scrawled memo is slipped between the pages: "LIGHT BULB -- ask B.O. about *his* pension! Ha!"

Binder full of dogs

Because when dogs emigrate to the Romney household, it's just a matter of time before they self-deport.

Binder full of deductions

A crazily misaligned book. The pages don't match up, and when you pick it up for examination the whole thing falls apart.

Binder full of evasions

A complete methodology for avoiding questions. One potentially controversial letter is tucked into the back cover: "Dear Mitt, collaborating on this binder was bi-partisanship at its best! Cheers, Barack."