THE BLOG
02/19/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Day the Porn Stood Still

If video killed the radio star, the Internet has killed the porn star. The information super-highway is about to intersect with the Hershey highway and, soon, no one will be able to get off.

I can live without the auto industry. I can accept that Fannie Mae may kick my fanny out of my bungalow, but I can't live in a world without well-crafted and beautifully-lit pornography. Call me a romantic.

To understand the function pornography plays in any culture, one need only look at the museums of Pompeii, replete with vases depicting XXX felattio and gladiator bondage challenges in ancient times. The earliest films were pornography. The earliest photographs were pornography. The first record of a gay encounter on the telephone was Alexander Graham Bell's original plea to his buff assistant: "Watson come quick. Right here."

In these recent hard times, we have become addicted to the quick burnout stories--war in the Gaza Strip; another Presidential inaugural (isn't there one every four years?), and the new Ice Age. But here's the real news: In the last year, the U.S. porn industry has had to watch video sales go down faster than the girls and boys in them. Porn impresarios and C.E.O's have had to watch helplessly, their hands cuffed behind their backs as Web sites such as Red Tube and Porn Hub are basically giving porn away for free.

In the 21st century Porn has become a "do it yourself" industry. Americans have figured out that all you need to do to be the next Jenna Jameson is aim your cell phone at the top your genitals when you're having sex. Easy as cherry pie. "Sex-ting"--sending nude pictures of yourself over the internet--is now trendy and is being done in junior high schools, high schools, and in select PTA meetings.

The ailing porn industry has had to scale back employees, and this week an estimated 1,200 fluffers are expected to be released in to the work force. These sex workers will go hungry. With no work on the horizon and nothing to hang on to, their idle hands...well, let's just say that things could get hairy.

Industry insider John "Wad" Bates reports, "porn baron's drops in revenue are getting harder and harder to swallow!" Soon, such names as Larry Flynt and Joe Francis will have no choice but to join so many failing American Industries get on their knees and beg the Government for a hand job/ a hand out ("yeah...you like that Big Government...").

It doesn't help that the mainstream media is dismissing a possible pornography bail out as if it's a joke. NO! A man slipping on a banana is a joke! A man having a banana shoved into his rectum is a $12 billion a year Business. And a whole of a lot of tax dollars

The puritanical American media has given relatively little face-and-ass time to this story. Instead, it has concentrated on the banking and car industries. Is Volvo really more important than vulva? I am encouraged by talk about the "massive size" of President Obama's "stimulus package." Rumor has it that it's both ribbed and double sided.

The failing porno business is belly up; they know things are about to get hard. It will take time and no doubt be it will be painful, but they need this big package. They need it bad.

A source who wished to remain anonymous says, "They don't want to suck it dry, they just want to save pornography as we know it. Smut is as American as jazz or the insider trading and non-specific urethritis."

The airwaves belong to us, and Americans crave what they have become accustomed to: well-crafted, provocative, stimulating erotica with dialogue that either reveals character or forwards the action.

Yes, and while Ann Coulter maybe super sexy, smart, slender and dazzling, can she shoot a pingpong ball from her opening? (I don't care how viral she gets)

At this juncture in history, let us remember the millions of American Girls who have pinned their hopes on someday being the next superstar airbrushed to perfection, the up-and-coming buck naked girl next door.

If porno ends, these girls, these Kendras, are sadly going to see that dream never fulfilled; they'll be relegated to grainy cellphones images while being filmed in fluorescent light by their boyfriends in the storage rooms in the back of Olive Garden. Their star will rise on a Verizon wireless Blackberry fiends and family network. Is that what America wants to see--how these girls really look, without soft lighting and instrumental music?

Well, if that's what you want, then go sit outside the ladies' bathroom at the Pomona Country Fair and see what flannel cakes will really do to a girl. Let's leave the porn in the hands the professionals, not the lunatic amateurs employees at the Olive Garden shooting their bottomless salad bars with those extra warm breadsticks.

America, let's save the slow-motion orgasm now! If we don't do something fast, Americans are going to have to go back to masturbating over J.C Penney catalogs and in public libraries. We cannot have all the references books on Italian vases ruined and sealed shut forever! It's time to spread our tax dollars wide and deep for pornography!